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BEST NARRATION OF A FOX COP SHOW
A Japanese man freaks out, catches the attention of Tokyo's men in blue, grabs his kids and a shotgun, hops in his sport utility vehicle and speeds off, engaging the police in a good ol' high-speed car chase. Surprising as it may be, somebody in Japan got his hands on a video camera and caught the edgy events on tape as they occurred, from the daring escape to the dead-end finale. When the frisky Fox network needed someone to do play-by-play for its periodic series The World's Scariest Police Chases, it turned to Portland's LT. C.W. JENSEN. Earlier in 1997, it looked like Jensen's TV career was over when the bureau moved him from his post as public-information officer to another position, but now he's found a higher-profile role on Fox. Jensen is slated to narrate the third installment of the action-packed program in November. BEST PUBLICITY FOR AN INTERNET START-UP
Founded in February 1996 on the meager $12,000 combined savings of two wide-eyed Internet entrepreneurs named Adrian Russell-Falla, 35, and Andrew Hanson, 27, WEBQUICK has already scored glowing product write-ups in MacWeek ("the first must-have Web utility"), Rolling Stone ("makes the Web a lot more manageable"), MacUser ("the cream of the crop") and Webintosh.Com ("the Holy Grail of Web utilities").This wouldn't be so impressive if it weren't for WebQuick's slow start. Unlike Portland's The Palace, WebQuick didn't have media firms such as Wegner-Edstrom and KVO doing its bidding. Nor does it have a $15 to $20 million start-up budget from the likes of Time Warner, Intel or big-name venture capitalists in New York. Russell-Falla and Hanson booted up WebQuick and worked without pay for five months until their June '96 product release, which immediately garnered the MacWeek write-up and a rush of product sales. WebQuick's noteworthy product is an improvement on Net-browser technology, allowing cruisers to save specific pages of Web sites. Russell-Falla was recently the featured speaker at the Software Association of Oregon's conference about making money on the Internet. He's one to watch. BEST PORTLAND CONNECTION TO A PRIME-TIME SITCOM
An Ex-Portlander may be responsible for an all-new catch phrase: Must Not See TV. Oregon has long been well-represented in the realm of television situation comedy. Former resident Harry Anderson starred in the popular show Night Court for years and currently leads the cast of Dave's World. Portland's animation guru, Matt Groening, made TV history when he created The Simpsons. And Rebecca Schaefer made a splash on My Sister Sam before she was tragically killed by a stalker. Another former Oregonian, RICK REYNOLDS, got his start in TV when he wrote a television column for this very newspaper in 1979 and '80. He grew up in Wood Village and was briefly married to former WW theater critic Barbara Moshofsky before leaving to find fame and fortune in San Francisco. Reynolds' one-man comedy show about his weird childhood and tortured adulthood was extremely well-received across the country. Now, years later, he has finally achieved the ultimate prize for any stand-up comedian: a sitcom. LIFE...AND STUFF (KOIN Channel 6, Fridays, 8:30 pm) stars Reynolds as a Bay Area advertising hack married to a lovely gal (Pam Dawber) and father of two precocious tots. He even got to lend his hand in writing the episodes. Unfunnily, Reynolds' odd sense of humor doesn't translate very well to the small screen. The show's six sorry episodes will air this summer; then the series will most likely vanish. BEST AD CAMPAIGN RIP-OFF
The morning of the biggest recruitment weekend for REED COLLEGE's admissions office, students and faculty arrived on campus to find the front of their venerated Elliot Hall decorated like a used-car sales lot, complete with balloons, banners and cars (including President Steve Koblik's Saab). The prank borrowed the kitsch of the Thomason Toyota art. Plastered across signs that read "Welcome to Reed College!" and "Today only, tuition one-half off!" was a smiling Koblik with a Thomasonesque grin. The festivities climaxed at noon when students, the same students who staged the prank in the first place, held a protest against the ("Pig Dog Oppressor") college administration which, the students claimed, has made it a policy to finance the school's recent construction with car sales. The students were, in fact, protesting their own protest, and many of the visiting parents and students were rightly confused, particularly when administrators came out of Elliot to participate and students began chanting anti-Canadian slogans. BEST STREET PAPER
With only two computers and one paid staff member, THE BURNSIDE CADILLACstill manages to be Portland's best street newspaper. The title is a euphemism for the shopping carts that Portland's homeless use to transport worldly possessions. After seven years as a free newsletter, The Burnside Cadillac recently converted to a longer format and raised its cover price to $1. It is now part of a growing number of street papers, written by and about the homeless population. Although its current circulation is just 5,000, it has helped downtown Portland become more aware of the concerns of the homeless. The monthly publication is filled with insightful news, opinions, poetry and fiction written primarily by homeless people; this, says managing editor Sharon Pearson, is a commitment the paper has made. Writer Norral Johnson testified to the power of the pen: "It made me feel really good to see what I had written in the paper. I thought maybe someone can learn from my mishaps, my ups and downs." BEST LOCAL 'ZINE
Most 'zines deal in arcana, meting out minutiae to devoted aficionados of the obscure. But one local micro-mag has something for everyone. We all gotta eat, and COOKING ROCK ($3 at Reading Frenzy, 921 SW Oak St., 274-1449) is there to make sure we do it right. The goal is to cure hipsters of the notion that a can of Pringles and a Mickey's Big Mouth constitute dinner. A kitschy Kitchen Aid, this is essential DIY reading in these sadly disabling times. Cooking Rock's certified instructors include Fellini chef Jesse Garcia, Hubers cook Marc McCool, Satyricon dishwasher Eric Wilson and their writer pal and "cooking geek groupie" Marty Kruse. In Issue No. 2, the masters lay down the straight dope on the finest in cheap and healthy eating: rice 'n' beans, including a rice-cooking chart, the beef on beans and some fine recipes. Then they go the extra mile with a thorough guide to cooking tools, celebrity recipes by rock stars and some handy house-cleaning tips from pro cleaner Anna Horton. Laced with punk rock attitude, a sexy centerfold and delicious humor, Cooking Rock boils the flavor right out of heroin chic, reminding us that the ability to deal is a lot tastier than self-destruction. BEST PRESS RELEASE WRITER
The lives of newspaper calendar writers can be tough. Dozens of faxes, e-mails, letters and phone calls greet them each day, all trumpeting one or more events that the sender hopes will be included in the listings section. During the summer, when events occur outside as well as in, this can become a mighty headache. Rather than take two aspirin, however, calendar writers need only turn to CARY WRIGHT, an employee at Showman Inc. Wright assembled press kits for more than 50 different summer concerts, placed them in colored folders and divided them into purple, black, blue, green, yellow and maroon sections. She then placed the folders in a white box and used tinted magic markers to match the show with the venue. In other words, if a writer needed information about Michelle Shocked's appearance at the Washington Park Zoo, he would see from the key on the box that zoo events were in a yellow folder; then he could flip quickly to the proper spot (provided he wasn't color blind). Since Showman presents shows at Champoeg State Park, the Aladdin Theater, Blue Lake, Oaks Park, the zoo and Berbati's Pan throughout the summer, Wright did local calendar writers a tremendous service. But why go to all that trouble? "I just wanted to make sure that it was all at your fingertips," she says. BEST EXAMPLE OF AN APPROPRIATE PRESS RELEASE
WW calendar writers receive hundreds of press releases every month from organizations and individuals who want their events listed in the calendar section. But many of them are illegible, incoherent or lack such important information as time, date, price or place. The FRIENDS OF MYSTERY (P.O. Box 8251, Portland 97207, phone 241-0759), a local nonprofit group of about 100 people interested in mystery and detective fiction as well as true-life crime stories, are certainly not clueless when it comes to advertising their annual BLOODY THURSDAY LECTURE SERIES. Stanley Johnson, chairman of Friends of Mystery's program committee, supplies press releases that arrive well within the deadline and contain all the pertinent details. Even better, Johnson's missives evoke a feeling of suspense simply because of they way they look. Johnson types the releases on a second-hand, manual, Tower typewriter that he estimates is at least 30 years old. The uneven typescript makes the page look as if it were torn from the manuscript of a dedicated mystery writer. The 13th-annual Bloody Thursday lecture series, a succession of five free discussions beginning in the fall, will feature such suspense mavens as true-crime guru James Olsen and popular Alaskan author John Straley. Anyone interested in mystery and detective books is invited to call Friends of Mystery for more information at 241-0759. Johnson assures, "We're a very genteel group. We don't practice murder except in a literary sense." BEST GUERRILLA MARKETING PLOY
When you put aside the Third World labor controversies, it's hard to deny that NIKE makes a great shoe. Couple that with an outstanding advertising strategy and it's easy to understand why the company keeps posting record-breaking earnings. Now it even has the market cornered on group sales to UFO-worshipping suicide cults. Talk about amazing free publicity. BEST LOCALLY PRODUCED TV COMMERCIAL
If one ad has captured the attention of television viewers during the past year, it is the Nissan spot in which a G.I. Joe knock-off hops in a toy car and rescues Barbie from Ken's preppie dollhouse, all to the sounds of Van Halen's "You Really Got Me." The brains behind this 60-second gem entitled "Toys" is WILL VINTON STUDIOS, the local creators of the California Raisins. In addition to being named Commercial of the Year by Time, Newsweek and Rolling Stone, "Toys" has vacuumed up just about every possible honor from the advertising world, including the prestigious Clio award for best animation in a commercial. Animator and director Mark Gustafson, a reluctant Washougal, Wash., native, recently appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show to discuss the phenomenon behind his creation. "Yeah, I made Oprah," he gloats over the phone. "I was sandwiched between some transvestites and a blind juggler." The recognition is well deserved, and Nissan came back to Vinton for seconds. The next segment in the Claymation love triangle should be out later this year. BEST RADICAL HISTORIAN
In the ambitious new double-issue of his 'zine Nosedive, local artistICKY CICCONE pastes together a gritty collage of Portland's most illustrious anarchist lumberjacks, olde-time bike radicals, feminist witches and itinerant, minority dockworkers. A sort of Howard Zinn meets Oscar the Grouch, Ciccone offers a curmudgeonly yet openhearted history of Portland's radical activism, as well as its ongoing gentrification, over the last century. Laboriously researched and rendered in Ciccone's trademark scrappy style,Nosedive No. 7 is crammed with text on the IWW, the Cannery Strikes, Vanport, the Albina neighborhood, the Portland Black Panther Party and local alternative newspapers from the Firebrand (1895-97) to the Willamette Bridge (1968-71), to name but a few of its profiles in courage. Perhaps the most amazing segment resurrects turn-of-the-century rabble-rouser Dr. Marie Equi, infamous lesbian, doctor, abortionist, orator, convict and revolutionary. One time, upon discovering that her name had been omitted from the police's "red" list, Equi called up the chief and threatened to sue him if he didn't put her name right on top, as "Dr. Marie D. Equi, Queen of the Bolsheviks." A home-grown freak to be proud of, just like Icky. BEST DOGGED PURSUIT
We don't intend this issue as a means to print free advertising for local businesses, but that's how many entrepreneurs view the Best of Portland. Some start dropping hints around the time the issue comes out, but none has been more, well, dogged than BEAUTY FOR THE BEAST PET LAUNDERETTE, a do-it-yourself dog-wash in Northeast Portland. Week after week, owner Michael Shapiro has showered us with press releases. Nearly 20 different WW staffers, from publisher to editorial assistant, got the message; we're talking staff writers, editors, art director, promotions director, sales and marketing VP--even copy chief. Those who received 10 or 12 of Shapiro's mailings wanted him put to sleep; the rest of us just wished he'd bark up another tree. On June 24, when he sent a 10-page "customer satisfaction" missive covered with more than 550 doggie and kitty signatures, courtesy of their owners, we knew we were dealing with one mad dog. (Best Pet Name honors go to Jordache, Wormwood and Flora Lora Butterball.) But Shapiro really got into a lather last week when he and a canine comrade hand-(and paw-)delivered a 3-foot-by-4-foot postcard announcing, "Beauty for the Beast is simply THE BEST place to wash a dog." Subtle, eh? Does this make Beauty for the Beast the best? At this point, we're too info-whelmed to care. Now maybe if it were Portland's only pet-washing facility...but it's not. In fact, one dog owner we know let the cat out of the bag: Southeast Portland's Rub-A-Dub Dog is cheaper. BEST HEADLINES THAT WEREN'T
Q: What do you get when you put a dozen burnt-out, bleary-eyed journalists in a tiny room with no ventilation, too much caffeine and a bunch of pungent magic markers?
A: Some really terrible headlines. When late-afternoon inspiration hits the WW editorial staff, we do what anyone kissed by the wicked muse would do: Write it down. These are some of our best rejected headlines: Real headline: "Why did the con man cross the road? To get to the widow's money." (March 26, 1997)
Rejected headline: "Swindler's List" Real headline: "Reversal of Fortune: Gayle Troutwine's gamble to win millions for women with breast implants is going bust." (April 23, 1997)
Rejected headline: "Deflated Hopes" Real headline: "Save the 14!: Cutting service on one of the city's most popular routes reveals bigger problems at Tri-Met." (April 30, 1997)
Rejected headline: "Vapid Transit" Real headline: "Fringe Justice: These men are part of a posse of misfits who meet each month to bash the government. The cops are worried. Should we be?" (May 21, 1997)
Rejected headline: "Confederacy of Dunces"
Real headline: "How She Beat the Devil: In three years, Jennifer Fultz went from being a stressed-out homemaker who had trouble handling two diaper-clad kids to someone who believed her parents once forced her to eat human flesh." (Sept. 25, 1996)
Rejected headline: "Satan's Pilgrim" BEST WAY TO LURE FILM CRITICS TO SEE A COMING ATTRACTION
As the quest for prerelease hype has reached critical mass, a strange new phenomenon is brewing in the world of movie promotion: invitation-only movie trailers for films not due to hit theaters for months. Last summer local critics were invited to a "mid-morning epicurean delight" and 10-minute preview showing of Evita, not due to defile theaters for another six months. While the gourmet coffee and array of flaky pastries, deli meats and cheeses was undeniably delicious, the celluloid appetizer, from Commitments director Alan Parker, was not as easily assessed. And considering how disagreeable Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical was as a feature-length film, it's apparent that some films were made to be seen--and promoted--as savory morsels rather than as bland, full-course meals. BEST PLACE TO FREE FREE SPEECH
No billboard is truly safe in inner Southeast Portland, where the dominant culture of mindless consumerism and bullying mega corporations is crushed by a tie-dyed tide of second-hand stores, organic gardens and junker cars with anti-establishment bumper stickers. Here, midnight militants smash the corporate state via "billboard liberation," the freeing of these monolithic messengers from their enslavement to Big Brother Buyout Inc. Sure it's illegal, but what's an outraged citizen to do? As media conglomerates buy up the traditional channels of free speech, the little guy is left to desperate measures. Located close to the ground in an often-deserted parking lot on Southeast Belmont Street, these TWO BILLBOARDS have seen their share of spray paint, but it was an anti-corporate coup when two separate attacks appeared side by side this spring. Aggie activists corrected the California avocado growers' "hand picked by movie stars" slogan with a sobering reality check, while tree-huggers reminded the U.S. Forest Service that its own salvage logging policy has caused far greater damage to forests than any careless camper. BEST OPENING LINE IN A LETTER TO THE EDITOR TO WILLAMETTE WEEK
Although I had neither fish to wrap nor birdcages to line, I nevertheless picked up a copy of the May 21 issue of your publication... BEST CLOSING LINE IN A LETTER TO THE EDITOR TO WILLAMETTE WEEK
Willamette Week...still free and worth every penny. BEST MULTIMEDIA AND FILM RESOURCE
Digital converts and Luddites alike can cozy up to the latest breakthroughs in Oregon's burgeoning multimedia, film and video industries with Oregon Screen Monthly, a monthly overview of the state of the art in the Beaver State. Published by Tanja Griffin, the trade magazine features profiles, essays, commentary and the latest news from Oregon's film, video and multimedia front. By stressing our bounty of indigenous talent, Griffin hopes to reinforce Oregon's growing reputation as more than just a pretty backdrop for Hollywood location vultures. "I want to prove to everyone both in and out of the state the innovative capabilities of people working right here," she says. "We're not event-driven or interested in uncovering a lot of dirt on the industry. We're not out to be another Willamette Week." BEST FULFILLMENT OF A PROPHECY
On June 4, 1984, KURT OLSEN wrote an article for WW entitled "Star Struck" about a local artist. That artist, MEREDITH BROOKS, said at the time, "I think I've got at least another good, solid five years in me before I get too burned out." The popularity of her recent debut on Capitol Records, Blurring the Edges, and its ubiquitous first single, "Bitch," reveals that Olsen (if not Brooks) had the right idea. BEST SPORTS-RELATED JOB TALENT POOL
Last summer, the Philadelphia 76ers tapped KFXX AM basketball analyst Brad Greenberg as their new general manager. This June, the Portland Forest Dragons plucked Stan Brock from the station's morning show when the team decided to change coaches in mid-season. Unfortunately, neither Greenberg nor Brock has been particularly successful since leaving the radio booth. Greenberg was fired April 20 by Philadelphia and, at press time, Brock's arena league football team had won just one game under his direction. BEST LOCAL WEB SITE
For all the fanfare, the World Wide Web is mostly a huge electronic void: some fluffy press releases with pretty pictures, a few psychos on boring rants and a lot of links to other Web sites--which only contain more nothing. Maybe it's in part because a lot of the good stuff has been banned by various Internet providers at one time or another. That's why T.L. Kelly has provided us with ROOM 101 (www.teleport.com/~room101), a literary site with a focus on Internet censorship. In addition to her own poetry and short stories, Kelly's site offers Sauce*Box, a magazine of literary erotica, and Bad Thing, which provides links to sites about Internet censorship, sites that have been censored, and even a few "sick puppies" that might make you think twice about the First Amendment (Aryan Angel's White Links, for example, tested our tolerance). The list of sites that have been censored is pretty appalling: UC Berkeley's excellent progressive mag Bad Subjects; a tame vampire-sex-blood novella call Naked Hoof; the Secret Library of Scientology, which debunks the much-maligned religion; even aCalvin and Hobbes fan site that got slammed with copyright infringement for reproducing the cartoon. Kelly closes out the site with "Don't Just Sit There, Do Something," a list of links to sites that tell you how to get involved in the fight against censorship. In a virtual vacuum where meaningful content is already scarce, we can't afford to lose any more. BEST CHRISTIAN OUTBURST BEFORE A GLIB, RADIO-SPONSORED MOVIE SCREENING
Radio-sponsored movie screenings are a lot like time-share condo presentations: You have to endure a lot of crap before you get what you came for. After the usual disc-jockey spiels and T-shirt giveaways preceding the première of The Craft--a sort of Beverly Hills 90666 where a Clueless coven discover some 'ol black magic--something actually interesting happened: A willowy young woman wrapped in a diaphanous white gown bolted from her front-row seat, snatched up the microphone and addressed the audience with an earnest proposal: "You are all invited to the Downtown Catholic Chapel to take communion after the movie and to embrace the love of Jesus Christ!" BEST USE FOR A COPY OF WILLAMETTE WEEK
Who would have thought newspaper could replace duct tape as the miracle medical aid? When ORLANDO CERVANTES TERRAZAS entered the world July 25, 1996, his mother and father used resourcefulness even the docs on M*A*S*H couldn't touch. Without a hospital bed or swaddling clothes, Orlando's parents delivered him in the front seat of a car parked at a 7-11 and wrapped him in the loving arms of a handy Willamette Week. We couldn't imagine a more honorable end for our work. BEST ANTI-WILLAMETTE WEEK PROTEST
Five or six peeved bisexuals gathered around the Portland Art Museum on Valentine's Day, where the WW Personals Department was holding a singles dance and party. Signs and chants non-violently expressed the group's distaste at the fact that bisexual personal ads were placed under the "Other" category. In March, the same gang showed up at the WW gay personals party at Saucebox to voice the same complaints. The protest worked. In April, we added the "Either/Or" heading to our Classifieds page |
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