Heavenly Delights, Unearthly Pleasures
Drill just got out of jail. Takk's teenage girlfriend just
left him. Between the three of us, we have almost 50 bucks.
The plan is to rip some shit up.
At 9:30, we show up at Rake's and shotgun some Schmidt's.
The scene gets a little out of control when Drill and Rake
start arguing over which Korn album rocks harder. Come 10,
Rake's got some "company" coming over, so we've got to roll.
Problem is, we've got nowhere to go.
"There's this building shaped like a giant bottle of booze
on Sandy Boulevard," Rake expounds. "And, dude, there's
naked ladies inside. Seriously." The Raker never lies. The
decision has been made--we will find this so-called Sandy
Jug.
For 10 minutes we drive, fists pumping out the window to
the sounds of "That Smell." Drill's famous claim that he
drives better when he's drunk is hard to argue with right
now. We move fast. If we knew what lay ahead, we'd move
faster.
The bar is about the size of a living room, sporting elegant
'70s carpeting. The "plasti-wood" paneling on the walls
gives the room a rustic flavor, showing just how wild the
West can be. The interior of the Jug reminds me of living
with my mom. With the addition of a couple of TV trays,
I'd feel right at home.
Best of all, Rake's pronouncement turns out to be true.
There are naked ladies here! We look on as a naked
woman dances to "Back in Black." Then she sits down next
to her boyfriend. Our bartender seems to take offense when
we have a Pabst vs. Natty Ice taste test, pointing out that
"it's all just cheap beer, anyway." How can that be? Pabst
smells and tastes so clean, while Natty has a more mature,
sophisticated taste. She's the one serving the beer, though.
Our bartender fills the air with the pleasant scent of wild
strawberry via aerosol, which mixes well with the never-unfavorable
aroma of burning cigarettes.
Girl number two hits the stage. Takk excuses himself to
visit the restroom, where he remains for the next 20 minutes.
Drill and I stay completely focused. The dancer prances
around the bar in elf-like fashion. As huge enthusiasts
of Dungeons and Dragons, we find the act especially entertaining.
We cross and recross our legs.
The beer takes us from drunk to piss-drunk. We're almost
out of cash, and the naked ladies aren't naked anymore.
Time to grab a sixer of Natty and drive home. Morningtime,
I'm pretty sure one of the dancers smiled right at me
last night.
I cannot explain the Sandy Jug, for I don't understand
it. But one truth remains: There is a giant bottle
of booze on Sandy Boulevard. And there are naked
ladies inside. Seriously.
HEAVENLY DELIGHTS, UNEARTHLY PLEASURES:
Sandy Jug Tavern
7427 NE Sandy Blvd., 287-0561
LAUGHTER--THE SPICE OF LIFE!
Spanky
Super yuxxx!
Harvey's Comedy Club
436 NW 6th Ave.,
241-0338
8 pm Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday,
8 and 10:30 pm Friday, 6:30, 9 and 11:30 pm Saturday, Aug.
9-13
$8-$10
Rod Long
Even his name is FRICKIN' HILARIOUS!
Bradford's Down Under Comedy Club
2752 NE Hogan Road, Gresham, 492-0434
8:30 pm Friday, Aug. 11
$5
ComedySportz
Competitive all-ages improv...a bit like Gladiator.
1963 NW Kearney St., 236-8888
9 pm Friday, 7:30 and 9:30 pm Saturday,
Aug. 11-12
$10, $9 with a can of food for the Oregon
Food Bank
James Heneghen
Original Comedy Acts Jimmy Mak's
300 NW 10th Ave.,
295-6542
9 pm Monday, Aug. 14
$3
52nd Avenue Sports Bar
5201 NE Sandy Blvd., 288-0313
9 pm Tuesday, Aug. 15
$3
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