Piratical Fun! Rum Tasting
One afternoon, I, Max T. Malt, awoke with a headache.
Perhaps it was that long night of "crazy liquor games."
Or maybe it was when that fella downtown decided to see
if my head was ripe enough to eat yet. Either way, my temples
were pounding. Time for two ice-cold cans of cheap American
beer, with holes cut into the sides. My brain spasms faded,
but I knew the symptoms could soon return. I realized this
was a job for the Captain. And as today was the third
Thursday of the month, I sailed straight to Sweetwater's
Jam House for the monthly rum-tasting extravaganza.
I secured a banana-yellow picnic table near the front door
and ordered a Carib Lager with lime. This diversion gave
me some time to peruse the extensive rum list.
Today's special deal--any three half-shots for $5--was
a no-brainer. I chose Red Rum, Stroh's and Captain Morgan's
Parrot Bay. The Captain kicked ass, though it did taste
like I was drinking Coppertone. The Stroh's, at 160 proof,
stripped my teeth of their remaining enamel but kept me
interested. Finally, Red Rum, billed as hauntingly exotic,
revealed heaven on earth. I was scared this "silky smooth"
nectar would be my undoing. I feared developing some wicked
fetish revolving around its misuse. Hello, Mrs. Torrance!
No longer would I drown my rum with margarita mix or Atlanta
sugar water. I would shoot it straight. My headache had
been conquered; the Captain would be proud. In the process,
I had liberated four plastic giraffes and an orange drink
umbrella to help shade my new pets from the hot and relentless
Portland sun.
The drinks got to me; I was no longer able to make rational
decisions. I started blabbering about Cuba and Communism
and all that Alien Gonzalez meant to the American way of
life. Visions of Che danced in my head, then faded into
a mental vision of a blister-colored Caribbean horizon.
All was peaceful, tropical and benign--but there, in the
red heart of the sunset, there was flaw. Black sails. Black
sails in the sunset. A death's head flag. The hour of the
Captain's vengeance had come.
The pain began to return. Like a slow train far in the
distance, I could feel the rhythmic pulses long before I
could see the engine. Hopefully, another "voyage with the
Captain" could get my caboose back on track.
PIRATICAL FUN! RUM TASTING
Sweetwater's Jam House
3350 SE Morrison St., 233-0333
Every third Thursday of the month, 4:20 (get it?) to 8 pm
COMEDY HA-HA!
Ronnie Sherwood
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Harvey's Comedy Club, 436 NW 6th Ave.,
241-0338. 8 pm Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday;
8 and 10:30 pm Friday; 6:30, 9 and 11:30 pm Saturday, Aug.
23-27. $8-$10
ComedySportz
Competitive all-ages improv: feel the darkness.
1963 NW
Kearney St., 236-8888. 9 pm Friday, 7:30 and 9:30 pm Saturday,
Aug. 25-26. $10, $9 with a can of food for the Oregon Food
Bank.
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