DAPHNE AND VELMA just Scooby-Doo It: "How about you and I head back to the Mystery Machine?"

by ELIZABETH DYE
243-2122 ext. 335

If this column were a master's thesis, it would be called something like "Iconography and the Sexualization of the Female in 20^th-Century Comic Illustration." Since it's a fashion column, we can cut to the mustard.

Cartoons make us hot: Sailor Moon, Aeon Flux, Betty Boop. Hell, The Powerpuff Girls. Yes, it's kiddie porn; yes, it's weird and disturbing; and yes, it's sometimes violent. Still, sexuality is a rangy, randy beast inside each one of us that likes what it likes, hang the connotations and consequences. And people have been getting off on cartoons since Judy Jetson was a twinkle in Hanna's (or was it Barbera's?) eye.

But it's not just the whip-thin waists and turbo ta-tas. Cartoons dress better than you and me, even if they do appear in the same outfit episode after episode. They get away with things we never could--clothes float and spin with a turn, skim curves perfectly, never ruche or snag. As much as we talk about teasing, revealing clothes being sexier than the "full monty," cartoons accomplish this far better than real people. Maybe it's because we suspect that our heroes' superhuman powers are inseparable from the folds of their garments. I mean, would Batman scale Gotham's skyscrapers sans Batcape? Nooo. Could Aquaman deep-sea free-dive and commune with all the beasties of the sea without his tight green skin suit? I don't think so. And what did Wonder Woman use to deflect bullets? Bracelets. Tell me it isn't a little deflating to picture She-Ra's warrior-wear heaped beside the futon at 7 am. To strip down our animated fantasies would be to rob them of the otherworldliness that inspires awe and arousal.

Fantasy came to life briefly at the Cartoon Cabaret hosted by Lucy Fur at Berbati's Pan on Sunday night. A crew of Portland's exotic dancers were done up in the garb of our better-known pen-and-ink icons, grinding for sawbucks to the strains of Pat Benatar and the old Scooby Doo theme. Old Jem episodes flickered from side screens. The scent of synthetic fruit wafted on the smoky air (the source: a woman-size Strawberry Shortcake, naughty-nice in petticoats and white panties). Attention to detail was faithful and often stunning--Rainbow Brite's orange moon boots, the jumpsuit worn by the Baroness (that female Cobra Warrior on G.I. Joe), Olive Oyl's noodly long arms and floppy sleeves.

Olive Oyl? Wait, is she sexy? Well, maybe she is. Maybe it doesn't matter. What rocked about the Cartoon Cabaret was that it mixed equal parts cheap thrills and comfort nostalgia, without the resulting blend feeling creepy or forced. The onstage tryst between Daphne and Velma (groping on the floor for lost glasses, a fumbled embrace progressing into full-on frontal mash scene) seemed like the confirmation--and consummation--of a long-repressed rumor. Josie and the Pussycats were more punk rock than T&A. And, though there's no doubt that She-Ra's sword licking got the most hoots and hollers, Olive Oyl, covered from wrist to ankle, seemed to be getting the most dollars.

There was an electric sense of play in the air at the Cabaret, a celebration of the footloose turn-ons that can result from dressing up and playing pretend. At this time of year, thoughts turn not only to love, but also to "when in hell is winter going to end?" February is the perfect month to dress like a cartoon, now that we're all loony and punchy and squirming for spring. In 'toon town there's a magic mall stocked with all that stupendous, form-fitting fantasy gear. But since most of us have to shop at more quotidian venues, I recommend taking a brief quiz to focus your superhero or -heroine profile. In your sexiest superfox moment, who would you be? What magic endowments would you use to vanquish villains and enthrall admirers? Don't be afraid to take a list with you when you shop, and don't be too shy to ask the salesperson for help--whether you need a bandolier and bondage thong, or stripy tights and kneepads. There are no wrong answers; this is YOUR fantasy. And remember, Smurfs and Smurfettes, it's for FUN.

YES! I WANT TO BE A 'TOON!

Fill out the following clip'n'save questionnaire to achieve supertoon stardom.

1. Alias:

2. Identity and occupation by day:

3. Vital statistics (eye and hair color, height, weight, marital status):

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5. Powers (circle all that apply): flight, telepathy, invisibility, super-strength, super-speed, night vision, shape-shifting, telekinesis, ESP, mind control, the ability to pass through solid matter, OTHER_______________

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OTHER_____________________

8. Animal mascot:

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16. Extras (circle all that apply): wings, helmet, musical instrument, light beams that shoot from eyes, glow-in-the-dark eyebrows or lipstick.