We try to be
constructive, we really do. We may be partial to unleashing
the frequent ironic barb, but our goal is to be two parts
wise, one part ass. Our reporting and criticism are--or
should be--in the service of keeping the Portland metro
area a great place to live.
But last year,
in the bleak midwinter, we could no longer hold our tongues.
The Kvetchfest (Jan. 20, 1999) paraded dozens of petty grievances
before our readers. Portlanders responded in kind and for
two weeks picked nits that had been itching their scalp
for years.
This year, we
asked our readers and staff to come up with all-new bellyaching,
and they came through. For every reason Portlanders love
the city, we've discovered, there's a nagging flipside.
So for Kvetchfest 2000, we've named the reasons for Portland's
vaunted livability--and the everyday irritations that undermine
it.
One by one, we
roast the sacred cows of our civic virtue.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT TRANSIT
SYSTEM!
WHERE THERE'S SMOKE
If smokers are so rough, tough and macho, why are they always
hogging the bus shelter while we 'wimps' are getting drenched?
--Diana Swan
YOU CAN'T GET THERE FROM HERE
Tri-Met may think it's
the light at the end of its own tunnel, but holes in its
coverage dot the city map like craters--on the east side,
there are only five major north-south bus lines serving
the first 120 blocks.
FEET ON THE MAX SEATS
Part of the problem is the
floor plan, which was a very bad idea--turning the
seats facing each other and sideways. But do these people
put their muddy feet up on their home furniture?
--Christopher Onderko
AFTER HOURS
Just try getting a bus home after 1:30
am--you'll be walking 'til the sun comes up, bud.
STANDING ANNOYANCE
Irritating MAX passengers insist
on crowding themselves in front of the doors when there's
plenty of empty space in the aisles. Then they drink coffee
and refuse to hang onto a railing, all the while pretending
they are happily concentrating on their novel.
--Kelly Block
"PUERTAS A MI DERECHA"
Light-rail riders think they're
so clever when they talk along with the recording of the
announcement of stops or the Spanish phrase indicating which
door to use. Do they think they are impressing anybody?
--Dayna Cramer
PORTLAND IS SO CLEAN.
THAT SMART PARK SMELL
We only wish the ammonia came
from a cleaning product.
WE MISS THE WEINHARD SMELL
The brewery's aroma used
to permeate downtown and covered up the stench of Camas
nicely.
GARBAGE IS EVERYWHERE
It isn't pretty. It stinks.
It speaks volumes about the current state of Portland.
--Phiamma Elias
PORTLAND CLEAN & STERILE
Are you kidding? While other cities have streetcleaners,
P-town is so dainty that it hires crews to actually wash
the downtown sidewalks--like a little dirt would kill
us.
PORTLAND IS SO MUCH
BETTER THAN THE EAST COAST OR CALIFORNIA!
HIP-WADING
Recently I moved from South Florida to
Southeast Portland, and now I find myself surrounded by
vacant-eyed, pseudo-hip, aloof, pale-skinned, tattooed,
pierced, matted-haired zombies who congregate in scores
of oh-so-trendy coffee shops, bars, restaurants and "thrift"
shops that offer an array of overpriced crap.
--Dale Hill
BORDER HOPPERS
I know it's redundant, but these goddamn
Californians have got to go. They come up here, make
fun of our bento, mispronounce everything (COW-ch
Street, for Chrissakes). What really shakes up my
bottle of pop, though, is that they actually know how to
drive on the freeway!
--Scott Cherney
VISIT BUT DON'T STAY
People move to Oregon then talk
about how great Oregon would be if only things were
done here exactly as they were done in (N.Y.C., L.A., San
Fran, Chicago, Bosnia, etc. etc. etc.). If you don't like
it here, try this: Go home!
--Doug Ricketts
THE WEATHER ISN'T
AS BAD AS THEY SAY.
GEORGIA ON YOUR MIND
Listen, no one is as eager to
see the sun again as we are. But on a bright February morning,
breaking out the short-shorts and peeling open the cabriolet
doesn't change the fact that it's 20 degrees out.
SOLAR-FREE ZONE
Yo, Portlanders who covet constantly
cloudy conditions: Quit your sun-bashing, already. Not everyone
who moved here did so for love of rain. In this wet city,
your righteousness is a total buzz-kill.
--submission from "NG"
THE TRAFFIC'S NOT AS
BAD AS IN L.A.
SNOW DAY
September worry-warts slap on the spiked tires
way before there is any threat of snow or ice. As if we
don't have enough potholes already.
IT'S A STREET! NO, IT'S A PARKING LOT!
Could someone please explain the right-hand lane on East
Burnside Street? Sometimes it's for parking, and you never
know until you've been sitting behind a driverless VW Vanagon
for 15 minutes.
RUDE CARPOOLERS
You don't honk in traffic, but you do when you're picking
up my neighbor? Gee, which will it be: Wake up someone asleep
at a green light, or a whole street full of families?
--Scott Simms
GET DOWN!
Note to Hawthorne Bridge operators: Once a boat passes
underneath, you can begin putting the bridge back down.
You do not have to wait until the boat passes under the
Marquam or the Morrison bridge before you begin this process.
NITWITS ON RAMPAGE
I have suffered savagely at the hands of whichever idiot
decided to close the Lovejoy Ramp. Our visitors from the
east side are routinely late and disgruntled when they arrive
for appointments, having been forced to sit in traffic on
the Fremont Bridge or snake through the construction zone
of Northwest Glisan to reach our office.
--Heidi Lawler
IT'S SO PEDESTRIAN-
AND BIKE-FRIENDLY.
KILLER SMILE
At least the drivers beam winningly as they blow through
red lights or bear down on you in the crosswalk.
JAYWALKING TICKETS
If there's no car coming, cross the street. If a car does
come, well, that's punishment enough.
ARROGANT PEDESTRIANS
Hey wankers: You're playing a game of chicken with thousands
of pounds of fiberglass and steel that you cannot win!
--e-mail submission from "insomnium"
BIKE RIDERS ON HAWTHORNE
How stupid are you? Adding unnecessary bikers to
this lethal mix of Tri-Met buses, pedestrians and flying
doors is utter stupidity, especially when there are bike
routes just a street or two over.
--submission from "AG"
THAT'S NOT A BIKE LANE, IT'S A SIDEWALK:
WHERE
THE SIDEWALK ENDS
Why are there so few residential sidewalks in far Southeast
Portland? Am I supposed to walk my dog down busy streets?
--submission from "NG"
[And there's no place to spit!]
Street signs with printing on only one side force you to
leap into traffic to find out where you are.
WE'VE GOT GREAT PLACES
TO EAT!
INK AND BREAD
If you work around food, coffee or drinks, cover up those
tattoos. Pale Oregonian skin can be enough to put us off
our feed, even without the added downer of garish skin graffiti.
SNEER WITH THAT?
We know how all-important it is to maintain your 'tude,
but your too-hip-for-this-job glare curdles our cream.
ZEN? REFRESH? CALM? OM?
Tazo's sprouting across the nation. Herbal teas are fair
game, but leave the black teas alone. It's English Breakfast
tea, not "Awake."
ONES AND FIVES ONLY, PLEASE
I wish the vendors for the Full Moon Burrito food carts
would keep enough small bills on hand so they don't have
to verbally chastise us patrons whenever we wish to pay
with a $20 bill.
--Bernard Drew
MATH-CHALLENGED WAITERS
Here's the scenario: Your breakfast costs $4.95 and you
give the waiter a 10. He brings back a five-spot and nickel.
Sure, his time is worth a tip--but if he's not smart enough
to break a big bill, he'll get the nickel.
FAST FOOD IT AIN'T
The McMenamin brothers have new pubs popping up like McDonald's.
--Acadia Baird
PORTLAND HAS A
VIBRANT CULTURE SCENE.
MATT ZAFFINO
Doesn't he realize that we all know he's wearing pants
that don't match his blazers? He might as well wear hip
waders and a fez.
--Jackie Parker
SAME OLD SONG
There's nothing decent to listen to on any of Portland's
radio stations. How many damn times can one person be forced
to listen to that ugly Rob guy with Carlos Santana before
experiencing a severe case of Radio Rage?
"BLAZERVISION" IS SOUNDING MORE AND MORE LIKE AN OXYMORON.
I HATE THE NIGHTLIFE. I HATE TO BOOGIE.
There is nothing to do in this city if you are a college-aged
under-21er looking for some fun. Cruising is immature, concerts
get old, and bars are out of the picture. I am surprised
that the teen-pregnancy rate in Portland isn't higher.
--Lindsay Hall
QUIT BITCHING THAT THERE'S NO NIGHTLIFE
What this city really lacks is people with the imagination
to look beyond prepackaged "fun." There has not been a weekend
since I moved here that I haven't found something to do:
theater improv, board games at Pioneer Square, a game of
Tag in the South Park Blox. Just because it may not be "adult"
fun doesn't mean it's not fun.
--Ryan McCarthy
ARE YOU STILL MOSHING?
ARE YOU STILL SWING-DANCING?
THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX?
Fox describes its Fox Box as a "public service" that uses
"cutting-edge technology" to allow people to "get involved."
First, screaming "Go Blazers!," singing, or bitching and
moaning is not getting involved! Second, a TV camera in
a box is not cutting-edge technology! Third, public service?
Yeah, right!
--Jay Hensleigh
IT'S A REALLY WALKABLE
DOWNTOWN!
GREAT EXPECTORATIONS
What's with the inordinate amount
of spit on downtown Portland sidewalks? Can't Portlanders
just hurl their loogies into the street like urbanites in
other American cities?
--Mark Karecki
SPARE CHANGERS
All right, we won't get into whether
you should be working--we'll agree to call it a lifestyle
choice. But if you really need money for food, why not sell
some of the scrap metal hanging from your face?
I'D RATHER GIVE CHANGE THAN MY SOUL
I can hardly
ever walk from my bus downtown to work without being accosted
by either a God-fearing Christian or a clean-shaven Krishna
attempting to convert me. Give me a spanging gutter punk
any day.
--Kevin Mehrens
SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A "SIGN!"\
Displaying their initiative, the clipboard-enhanced
signature gatherers set up a gantlet on the library steps
and in front of the Fred Meyers. Don't want to help put
Lyndon Larouche on the ballot? You get the "informational
lecture." If you try the "I don't sign petitions" gambit,
you'll trigger the "Get involved, get informed" harangue.
Forget Big Government--what's it take to get the sig-bots
off our backs?
PORTLAND IS PUPPY-FRIENDLY.
NO LAP DOGS
Hey, Portland drivers: If you really love Emma or Cascade
like a child, what's the dog doing between you and the windshield?
DOGS LEASHED TO BIKES
We know bikes and pooches are essential to the active Portland
lifestyle, but folks, you've gotta keep 'em separated.
THE DOGS-BELONG-EVERYWHERE
For dog-o-phobes, Portland can be a scary place. You
walk out your door and there's a dog tied to your gate,
daring you to just try something (like leaving). You sit
outside at a cafe and people let their dogs run around all
willy-nilly. You go to rent a video and you're dodging poodles.
You go to people's houses and these creatures pounce on
your lap and ruin your dinner. Dogs, dogs, dogs. Damn them.
WHY AREN'T THERE MORE OFF-LEASH AREAS?
IT'S A COFFEE MECCA!
MEMO TO COFFEE PEOPLE'S NEW OWNERS
We are Coffee
People. Not Diedrich people. Portland doesn't want to "meet"
you; we don't care about you. What we do care about, love
and want is Coffee People, especially the travel mugs. "Establishing
your name" is a stupid waste of your company's money. Leave
well enough alone.
--Terry Thompson
THE STARBUCKS AT 37TH AND HAWTHORNE
Every time I ordered an 8-ounce latte double, tepid, skinny,
foamy, I got a humungo, scalding, flat vat of milk. "Excuse
me. Could I please have some more foam on my latte?"
"I already did make it foamy!" barked the Latte Nazi.
"Excuse me. Could I please have some cold milk to cool
my latte down?"
"I already did make it tepid!"
I don't even go there anymore. I'd rather drive to the
one down at 18th Avenue.
--e-mail submission from "rbm"
THINGS REALLY ARE DIFFERENT
HERE.
GETTING PUMPED
We can't pump our own gas, but we
get to bag our own groceries? The pump jockey may remind
us of when gas and coffee were under two bucks, but just
how quaint can a tradition be if it's shared only with New
Jersey?
ON THE OTHER HAND...
Sure, Oregon is the Wild West, but at least we have one
remnant of civilization that the rest of the unwashed nation
has cast aside: full-service gasoline stations. A pox on
those who want to turn us into a barbaric hellhole like
Vancouver and force us to pump our own. What's next? Cooking
our own dinners in restaurants?
EVERY BUILDING IN TOWN IS NAMED FOR MARK O. HATFIELD.
CIVIC INSECURITY
Portlanders tend simultaneously to belittle the city
for its size or alleged lack of cosmo amenities ("Oh, little
old Portland? Everyone's white here, plus it's nowhere near
as exciting as San Francisco!") and brag about trivial claims-to-fame
("Did you know Portland's city blocks are only half the
size of blocks in many other cities! It's great!")
WE'VE GOT GREAT PUBLIC
ART AND ARCHITECTURE.
THE NEW ODS BUILDING'S SCULPTURE
We don't send our artists out to erect a big, ugly apple
in New York, so why's a New Yorker trying to capture the
"Northwest thing" with a manacled tree that has no bark
and no bite?
SILO SCREAM
Can we please relocate the grain silos in front of the
Rose Garden Arena? The whole scene reminds me of Spokane's
"anything goes" style of urban planning.
--Scott Simms
[Oh, so that's the front! Who can tell with that
tortoise-shaped monstrosity?]
WHY CAN'T THE REMODELED CENTRAL LIBRARY BE OPEN SUNDAY
MORNINGS?
I PICK UP THE ALTERNATIVE
PAPER EVERY WEEK.
WILLAMETTE WEEK
How about being nauseated
weekly by a smug, cutesy and painfully self-aware weekly
newspaper? I, for one, am getting sick of 100-plus pages
filled with "winking irony." WW unwittingly embodies
the clownish, self-consciously awkward constipation of a
"city" that is neither small enough to care nor big enough
to matter!
So take that! (Along with your cutesy, ironic and sophomoric
"kvetch fest.")
--Wilbur McGillicuddy
Phhh...As if!
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Willamette Week | originally
published April 5,
2000
|
