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Summer sends thoughts traipsing towards love and lust,
accentuating those secondary sex characteristics that separate
lovely lasses from their grunting male counterparts. To
speed the process, le Reducer Sonique offers some
selections from our sludge pile--some are for the ladies,
some are for the fellas. And one is for the misbegotten.
* FOR THE BOYS
* Various Artists:
Family Values Tour 1999 (Flawless/Geffen)
Aw, shiiiit, ain't it great to be a man? Like, a real tough,
tattooed, lid-sportin', goatee-growin', chick-chasin' and
ebonics-appropriatin' hunk of muscular virility? Yeah, yeah,
that's why we frat bros love the Family Values tour--cuz
they gots the killer rock (Limp Bizkit, Korn, Staind), and
rap (Method Man), and some fine ass for grabbin', too. Bringin'
back memories of Woodstock '99, yo. But the Crystal Method?
What's this faggy electronic shit? It's good for sexing
up the betties and that's it. Whatever, bizzatch.
* Various Artists:
This Is for the Homies (Thump)
Barrio party hip-hop with lowriding bass bump and Latin
G-funk street beats. It's the same old dated sounds and
played-out stories (rollin' chumps, ballin' chicks, etc.),
but then I ain't a homie, so it ain't meant for my pale
ass anyway.
* Various Artists:
The Return of the Rock (Roadrunner)
Umm...yeah. The saviors of rock 'n' roll are, naturally,
Kid Rock and Papa Roach--as if ripping off stunted metal
licks and sticking 'em under constipated raps could save
anything but a few jocks from using their brains for a change.
And POD? Sorry, but "Christian" and "rock" are mutually
exclusive terms. More interesting and inventive are the
post-Zombie disco-thrash bands (Static-X, Powerman 5K, hell,
even Tommy Lee's Methods of Mayhem) and those armor-piercing
Armenian spazzoids, System of a Down. Kittie steps up for
both girls and the Great White North--and here we thought
neither one could kick ass.
* FOR THE GIRLS
* Morcheeba:
Fragments of Freedom (Sire)
A demographer's dream, really--a little bit of dance for
the dance kids, a heavy dollop of Cool Brittanian modishness
for the alt-style hounds, guest trips by Biz Markie and
Bahamadia to entice the Hip-Hop Nation. However, the elegantly
ladysmith'ed vocals of Skye salvage this otherwise bland
confection. Lillithians will love it, but it might well
please all those thousands of intense cosmopolitans who
have yet to sell back those Portishead CDs, too.
* Jean Smith:
Eponymous release (Kill Rock Stars)
Smith's hair-raising vocals for Mecca Normal were a punk-rock
dream come true to the early Riot Grrl cadres, but this
willfully esoteric smattering of formless jazz and scant
obscure poetry is unlikely to launch any revolutions. Warping
strings and erupting sax weave a vaguely Oriental sound
that never quite slaps any conscious response out of its
listeners.
* FOR THE COMPLETELY INSANE
* Hampton the Hampster [sic]:
The Hampsterdance Song (Koch)
Somehow, that mind-destroyingly annoying website with the
spinning cyber-rodents is even more horrendous as a Euro-house
tune, with a chintzy disco beat stitched onto the lobotomized
and chipmunk-ized Roger Miller sample. I suspect the BATF
is already using it as a weapon against entrenched militiamen
somewhere in Montana. Duck and cover.
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