Don't you find it difficult to find the right gift for a gay/lesbian/transgendered
pal during this season of giving? My yule-fueled attempts to get my mitts on
an acceptable present for the homos on my shopping list can make me shvitz quicker
than a Turkish sauna.
I should know better.
Unlike straight guys, gays don't have any problems shopping--for themselves.
And, give or take a few lesbian truck drivers, most homos I know really do exhibit
flawless taste and a predilection to buy everything they want, need or desire--thank
you very much.
Besides, why would anyone want to endure the indignities of childhood--socks,
socks and more socks--when you can personally pick out your own silk Underoos
in every color of the rainbow?
Which means these non-suffering types are nearly impossible to shop for.
But have no fear! An elfin sprite has invaded my eggy noggin and forced
me to come up with a cool list of queer gear that's sure to tickle the tinsel.
So relax. The following should help you on your last-minute mad dash to get
the holidays all wrapped up.
* For that man who spends too much time in the bathroom: a copy of the
International Male catalog (local magazine stores). If your dude's gonna
spend that much time in the john, he might as well put it to good use with an
IM issue brimming with bejeweled, bethonged and altogether becheesy men.
* For that big ol' queen with a penchant for over-accessorizing: Looking
for church-going hats, ethnic-friendly makeup, earrings the size of hubcaps
or a slew of wigs that can transform you into Grandma Klump? Look no
further than Mrs. C's Wigs & Beauty Supplies (707 NE Fremont St., 281-6525).
And remember to bring your big ol' purse.
* For the lipstick lezzie who likes her night(ies) naughty: Be reborn
in pure porn with a padlocked chastity belt. Made out of shiny patent-vinyl
fabric, this cunning contraption laces up the back and features a locking drive-thru
zipper. Give the key to someone you sorta like--and sorta hate. Fufill this
fetish fantasy at The Future (1015 SW Washington St., 241-0875).
* For the porno star who won't return your emails: Ask the man of your
dreams to pour himself into Body Double. This create-your-own-dildo kit
comes with everything you will need to perfectly replicate, in life-sized, rubberized
detail, that most intimate member of the male anatomy: your cock and balls.
Supposedly it comes in a vibrating version too. Start your collection at (where
else?) Fantasy For Adults Only (3137 NE Sandy Blvd., 239-6969, and various locations).
