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QUEER WINDOW
2001
PreDICKtions
by
BYRON "JEAN PRICKSON" BECK
bbeck@wweek.com
Adventures
in Hangovers III: Princess XXV Poison Waters and Prince XX Shelley
host a New Year's Day party featuring a free buffet, drink specials
and MALE STRIPPERS.
Silverado,
1217 SW Stark St., 224-4493. 2 pm Monday, Jan. 1. FREE.
2001:
A Lesbian Odyssey
The
Lesbian Community Project will host a women's New Year's Eve dinner/
dance/ silent auction spectacular, with tango dancing and tarot-card
readings.
Lloyd
Center/ Doubletree Hotel
1000
NE Multnomah St., 233-3913.
7
pm Sunday,
Dec. 31.
Advance
tickets: $35-$50
Whew!
What a year for queerdom.
The new homollennium
gave us the Fat Naked Fag (swingin' survivor Richard Hatch) and
the phoenix-like return of a sweet-singing, bald-headed lesbian
(really?) priest (Sinéad O'Connor). It was also the year
everyone pried into the private lives of queers. Suddenly, straights
everywhere had no problem adopting the "gay talk" that had, until
now, been the bastion of butch femmes and nelly boys (read: the
merits of a well-placed package, clitoral piercings and, God forbid,
the Indigo Girls).
So where's 2001
takin' us? Who knows? But I can tell you one thing:
My gaydar's on full-blast in this New Republican era.
In an effort
to stay on top of the news, I am keeping my peepers pointed at a
few people. What's in store for these sure-to-be newsmakers in 2001?
Well, sit down a spell, and let me tell you, hon.
* Lon Mabon:
In an effort to win something, anything, Monsieur Mabon will
dip his hand into the Pillsbury Bake-Off. This dessert-lovin' doughboy
will forgo his momma's prized minced-meat pie (too many sexual overtones),
and instead fill his Pillsbury frozen pie crust with equal amounts
of vanilla, puffed (potentially toxic) cereal and processed Cheez-Whiz®.
In an attempt to win over the judges, Lon will--BAM!--take it up
a notch and mix in too many sour grapes, thereby spoiling his chances.
* Ellen
DeGeneres: Single and (not) lovin' it, Ms. DeGeneres joins Melissa
Etheridge to form a support group for women who love straight women
too much. Following a successful membership drive, these two forge
a family/
corporation in which k.d. lang becomes
a trusted adviser. The DeGeneres-Etheridges trade in the sperm of
David Crosby for the love juices of David Duchovny.
* Peter Paige:
This local homo has hit
it huge in Hollyweird as the queen of Showtime's Queer As Folk.
What's next? Big-budget remakes of camp classics. Except this
time they'll be retooled,
and retitled, for a gay-friendly audience. I just can't wait to
see Big Peter in All About Steve, Whatever Happened to Baby James?
and the glory-hole version of Rebel Without a Condom.
* Mark Kroeker:
No longer able to fight his feelings, Portland's top cop bares
his bottom for a light spankin' by a transgendered member of the
community. Suddenly inspired to try other new things, the chief
adopts the chat-room name "Lesbegay" and ventures into a twisted
relationship with a 42-year-old long-haul trucker named "La Verne."
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