Seen a Rogue on the loose? Get in touch with our Roguemeister: JOHN SCHRAG jschrag@wweek.com (503) 243-2122 FAX: (503) 243-1115 Although WW's crack investigative team hasn't nailed down all of the allegations, it's clear that some Roguish antics are being planned in the Rose City for later this week. According to several informed sources, authorities believe that an unidentified man will attempt to fly into Portland the night of Dec. 24 and seek unauthorized access to an undetermined number of residential dwellings. Details are a bit sketchy, but here's what WW has learned: * The man--who dresses in gang colors--is preparing to leave symbols of crass corporate commercialism under trees for Portland youth. Some speculate that he is an agent of a global toy cartel. * The so-called "gifts" are awarded only to those youth whom this individual determines to be "good," which clearly jeopardizes the fragile self-images of any minors who end up on the "naughty" list. * The man's physique, which is described as "portly"--even, by some reports, "fat"--bears clear evidence of an unhealthy lifestyle. There are some reports, unconfirmed as of press time, that he extorts sugar-based foods and dairy beverages from parents. * Finally, the man allegedly gains access to rooftops using some sort of device (mysteriously referred to as "rain gear" by one source) which sometimes leaves animal waste products in gutters. These products could enter the Willamette River in the event of a Combined Sewer Overflow. If you have any information regarding this individual, we ask that you contact the proper authorities. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Willamette Week | originally published December 22, 1999

 

The Rules of Bedroom Golf: 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play--normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape to play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. **Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.