Winners*

1. Portland's five city commissioners were all smiles after their counterparts at Metro last week agreed to switch posts. "Nobody knows what any of us does anyway," explained Erik Sten. "Plus, they've got cooler business cards and get those free Blazer tickets." Sten denied he's planning to alter the urban growth boundary to fill in the gap between his front teeth. "It's virgin space," Sten says, "and I expect it to stay that way."

2.Microbrew enthusiasts persevered in their efforts to change the name of the Yamhill County seat. The county board voted last week to officially change the town's name to McMenaville, to honor the arrival of a new brew pub.

3. School Board chief Ron Saxton announced the hiring a new superintendent for the Portland Public Schools--former police chief Charles Moose. "Nobody else wanted the job," Saxton said, "and the poor guy's been faxing us his resume since the gig in D.C. fell through." Moose got the job after locating Salem on a map of Oregon, a task his predecessor never mastered.

Losers*

1. Portland rock fans will lose a favorite concert halls now that the Church of Scientology has purchased LaLuna. Instead of hosting shows by Beck, the Foo Fighters and the Breeders, the Southeast venue will screen films starring John Travolta, Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley. LaLuna co-owner Mike Quinn is unapologetic, saying, "They made me a truly Dianetic offer."

2.Opponents of doctor-assisted suicide received another setback last week when the sheriff's office agreed to lease space in its Justice Center infirmary to euthanasia advocates. Sheriff Dan Noelle says given the recent experience of suspected cop-killer Steven Dons, it was a "natural fit."

3.Independent journalism took a beating last week when a trade publication revealed that local newspaper PDXS has been bought by global media magnate Rupert Murdoch, who plans to turn the once-alternative biweekly into a glossy S&M mag.

Photo: MELISSA GERR