It wasn't so long ago that I was just some schmuck who reviewed movies for Willamette Week. But in the past few weeks a couple of things I've written in this newspaper have put me in contention with Police Chief Mark Kroeker for the honor of Most Despised Man in the City of Portland.

If you've happened to see this week's letters page, you already know that I am a misogynist, a promoter of rape and violence against women, a bigot, an advocate of brutality against African Americans and an all-around asshole.

In one regard, I guess I should be grateful so many people are paying attention to my writing. All of this notoriety, however, has left me disturbed for a variety of reasons.

Three weeks ago, in reviewing the film Miss Congeniality, I suggested that Sandra Bullock ought to "put a sock in it"--though I used a much less appropriate metaphor. Some viewed my now-infamous "zipper" line as an endorsement of violence toward women, and two weeks ago I apologized for what was very poor judgment on my part (see Letters, WW, Dec. 27, 2000), though clearly I was not contrite enough for many people.

The most recent incident to result in outrage from some readers is a bit more complicated.

In my review of the film Bamboozled, I said director Spike Lee should be "beaten like a runaway slave" (see "Spike Strikes!" WW, Dec. 27, 2000). This statement has led to another flood of angry letters, email and phone calls from readers. Last week, the political action committee of the local NAACP held a special meeting to discuss a course of action in response to my statement. The next day there was an hour's worth of banter about it on the Lars Larson show on KXL 750 AM. On the heels of my statement regarding Lee, accusations have flown that I am
a white supremacist promoting violence against African Americans.

It's clear to me that many of my attackers failed to consider one simple fact: What if I am a black man (which I am)? Not that my being black is an excuse for what
I said about Spike--and don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to be excused--I just wanted to set the record straight.

The whole situation would be funny to me if I weren't so sensitive about being a "high-yella Negro," which is probably why I take great offense at being mistaken for white. Call me a racist, a misogynist or a spear-chucking porch monkey--just don't call me white.

For some people, the fact that I'm black doesn't cut me any slack. For others, it absolves me. Which raises the question, is it OK for some people to say some things but not for other people to say them? Or to frame it another way: Why is it OK when a black person says "nigger" but not when a white person says it?

That was the debate sparked last year when WW cartoonist John Callahan, who is white, used the dreaded N word in a cartoon. To me, the only thing Callahan did wrong was to make a joke too obscure for most people to get. Some, however, felt Callahan committed a mortal sin, and that no one should ever even think the N word. Still others feel it's OK for people like a black filmmaker to use the word indiscriminately but not for white people. It's what we call a "double standard." That may seem a copout or unfair, but double standards are a part of life. Double standards are what allow my co-worker Byron Beck to write things in his Queer Window column that would get me labeled as homophobic. It allows my editor, Caryn Brooks, to make jokes about Jews without being called anti-Semitic.

Let's be honest: If Chris Rock had said Spike Lee needed to be beaten like a runaway slave, a lot of you would have laughed a lot more easily than if Howard Stern had said it.

Does invoking the "double-standard clause" make my violent and disparaging comments OK?

For some people the answer is no. But what I was doing was "talkin' shit." People do it all the time. People talked a lot of shit about Rasheed Wallace, Steve Smith and the rest of the Blazers after a little thing called Game 7. Over the next four years there's going to be a lot of shit talked about George W. Even Spike has said some shit. Remember when he said Charlton Heston should be shot with a .44-caliber Bulldog a few years back? After pulling his foot out of his mouth, Spike justified not apologizing by saying it was a joke.

The things I said about Spike were strong, because I had strong feelings about some of the things he said in his movie. I was very clear in my review of Bamboozled, saying that Spike needed to answer for what I felt was blatant disrespect and disregard for the black performers who led the way in film during the early days of the 20th century. It seemed to me that Spike was equating such pioneering actors as Mantan Moreland, Stepin Fetchit and Hattie McDaniel with white performers in blackface--a comparison I find offensive.

Saying Lee should be "beaten like a runaway slave" was not endorsing violence toward black people. I am not condoning lynchings. I pray I never have to see another black man tied to the back of a truck and dragged to his death.

I suppose I could have said, "Someone needs to have a stern conversation with Mr. Lee and explain to him that it is wrong to condemn the black performers that helped pave the way for his career." Just as I'm sure Spike could have offered in his film a more constructive form of conflict resolution than murder. He chose his way of expressing himself and
I chose mine.

Words are powerful. At least that's how they seem. The truth is, the power lies within the meaning behind the words and how those meanings are interpreted. These past few weeks have taught me some valuable lessons about my choice of words, and the possible ramifications of how they are perceived. I hope some of my critics will also learn. We could ban the use of words like "nigger" and "faggot"--but that won't eliminate racism or homophobia. Remove all the disparaging words and phrases from our lexicon if it will make you feel better. Just keep in mind someone will simply come up with new ways to convey the same negative meanings.