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October 7th, 2009 RUSTY FEATHERCAP | Headout
 

Woman, Art Thou Loose?

12,000 Women of faith can’t go wrong. Or can they?

     
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IMAGE: Matt Grigsby

When we received an email two weeks ago with the subject line “12,000 Women Expected at Rose Garden Arena,” WW’s hetero male staffers got more than a little excited. Sexually. But as we continued reading, our chubs dissipated. The email was about the Women of Faith conference. These were to be Christian women. And everyone knows Christian women don’t put out...OR DO THEY?

Because we live in Portland and therefore have never actually met a Christian woman, WW asked local pop musician Danny Seim (of Menomena fame, and slightly lesser Lackthereof fame) about them. Seim’s religious upbringing colors many of the songs on his new album, Lackthereof’s A Retrospective 1998-2008, or I Was a Christian Emo Twentysomething. The song “Modern Christianity,” written in 2000, describes the difficulties of worshipping a god Seim “can’t touch, smell or see,” while “Abstinent Dry Sex,” written in 2004, is about the grueling process of resisting one’s dirty urges. Seim, himself no longer a believer, must surely have learned a few secrets of seducing the faithful in his years as That Christian Dude in the Band. So he helped us out with these sweet, sweet pickup lines.

  • Want to practice speaking in tongues?

  • You look like you need prayer. Can I lay my hands on you?

  • You make Amy Grant look like Mother Teresa.

  • Will you be the Eve to my forbidden fruit?

  • I’ll be a deer. You be Lot’s wife.

  • Girl, I’d repress an entire childhood of guilt and shame for you.

  • Your name must be Zion, because I’d like to mount you.

  • You’re making my Lazarus want to come forth.

  • Will there be a love offering tonight?

  • Want to have a threesome with the Holy Spirit tonight?

  • Want to join me at confession tomorrow morning?


JOIN IN: The Women of Faith Conference, “A Grand New Day,” featuring appearances from Christian musician Nicole C. Mullen, Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel and more, visits the Rose Garden Friday-Saturday, Oct. 9-10. $79-$109. All ages. For a review of Lackthereof’s new record, see localcut.com.

Headout Picks

WEDNESDAY OCT. 7


[MUSIC] POLVO
The next in the line of reunited guitar bands that was always more influential than successful, Polvo is back in town with the unthinkable: a new album that actually lives up to its storied legacy. Berbati’s Pan, 231 SW Ankeny St., 248-4579. 9 pm. $14. 21+.

[THREADS] PORTLAND FASHION WEEK
The second longest running fashion week on the West Coast struts designs from Anna Cohen to Ethos Paris and even bike-centric designers. Vigor Industrial Shipyards, Swan Island, 5555 N Channel Ave. Wednesday-Sunday, Oct. 7-11. $20 a day, $80 full week pass. See portlandfashionweek.net for full schedule.

FRIDAY OCT. 9


[MUSIC] RICHMOND FONTAINE
Willy Vlautin, how we love thee. The singer-novelist and his band celebrate the release of their excellent new album tonight. Dante’s, 1 SW 3rd Ave., 226-6630. 9:30 pm, $8 advance, $10 day of show. 21+.

[SCREEN] A SERIOUS MAN
God is dead, and the Coen brothers have killed him. Fox Tower, 846 SW Park Ave., 221-3208. See page 51 for review and page 57 for showtimes.

[INK] PORTLAND TATTOO EXPO
More than 300 tattoo artists gear up to ink Portland. Custom car show, burlesque and Ninkasi beer included. Portland Expo Center, 2060 N Marine Drive, portlandtattooexpo.com. Noon-10 pm Friday-Saturday, noon-6 pm Sunday Oct. 9-11. $20 a day, $40 3-day pass.

[WORDS] UNDERGROUND CHINESE COMIX
Wieden Kennedy introduces Portland to nine experimental Chinese comic-book artists. Floating World Comics, 20 NW 5th Ave., Suite 101, 241-0227. 6-10 pm. Free.

SATURDAY OCT. 10


[WTF] MISS WHITE TRASH PAGEANT
The competition to crown the world’s most white trash woman celebrates its 10th anniversary with a wiener cannon and a lineup of the most foul-mouthed, trailer-born products of incest ever gathered. One contestant is from the Netherlands. Mount Tabor Theater, 4811 SE Hawthorne Blvd., misswhitetrash.com. 9 pm. $7 advance, $9 door (ladies wearing tube tops get in free). 21+.

TUESDAY OCT. 13


[MUSIC] THE RAINCOATS
KRS just reissued the Raincoats’ seminal debut album on vinyl, and the band is playing Portland for the first time. Some say it’s 30 years too late, but we don’t agree. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 8:30 pm. $15 advance, $18 day of show. 21+.
 
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