Noisemakers

Gift Guide No. 1

-- gifts over $50, published Dec. 4, 2002

Gift Guide No. 2 -- winter fashions, published Dec. 11, 2002

contents Stocking Stuffers
Toys
Books and Music
Graphic Novels
Kitchen
Home Furnishings
Gadgets
Outdoors
Accessories
Pets
Sex
Spirits
No Sweat Shopping

So much for being tastefully seductive. Send those long-stemmed red roses and gourmet chocolate boxes back up to the North Pole. When you're shopping for your favorite little sex fiend, it's time to get dirty. That means a pair of serious handcuffs, lick-it-up body sugar and a naughty board game. And really, who wouldn't want to make love in the flickering shadows of a pecker candle? So go ahead. Get fresh. We won't tell.

Holiday Lock Down
If hardened criminals cringe at the sight of Peerless handcuffs ($27.95-$39.95, Cuffs N Stuff Law Enforcement Supply Store, 2714 NE Sandy Blvd., 595-0506), just imagine how your lover will tremble. Available in both chain and hinged versions, these cuffs are what the real police officers use. But no worries--if you lose the key, your submissive sweetie won't be attached to the bedpost for long. Cuffs N Stuff keeps a backup set of keys in case of clumsy kink.

Dirk Diggler's Wiggler
Move over, Marky Mark. Now that Val Kilmer has signed on to play John Holmes in a movie, fascination with the '70s porn king is sure to come to full erection. For those men who aren't quite as blessed as Holmes comes the John Holmes Personal Pump (sale price $21.56, Spartacus, 300 SW 12th Ave., 224-2604). The new "stallion pumper" delivers pleasure and inches with gentle suction from a vacuum chamber. The 8-by-3-inch chamber is big enough to accommodate the already well-endowed. Yeah, you wish.

Senior Sneak
The senior citizens of Seaside, Ore., were stripped of ideas to raise money for their favorite swimming pool. So what did they do? Taking a cue from British garden clubs, they stripped down to their birthday suits, of course, and posed for The Sunset Ladies and Gentlemen 2003 calendar ($15, Annie Bloom's Books, 7834 SW Capitol Highway, 246-0053). The result is 12 glossy months of naked 70-somethings playing cards, arm wrestling, going out to dinner and even golfing in the buff. No full-frontal shots here, but plenty of veins, saddlebags and saggy spare tires. They sure look like they're having a good time, though.

Dare to Bare
Sex is way more exciting when there is a chance of being caught. For couples who think they've done it all, the Wildly Sexy Dares board game ($19.95, Balloons on Broadway, 617 SW Washington St., 241-3336) takes you out of the bedroom and into a new world of naughty sexual adventures. Choose from 150 risqué escapades in three levels of play: mild, hot and extra spicy. One card asks the lady to wear a low-cut top to a restaurant and flash cleavage shots to her honey and to the waiter. Bonus points if the waiter noticeably stammers while taking the order.

Bottled Redemption
For liars, cheaters and wrongdoers comes the "Wash Away Your Sins" Bath & Body Sampler ($20, Little Finnegan's Toys & Gifts, 922 SW Yamhill St., 221-0306) to scrub you back to purity. The set comes with two soaps, bubble bath and four towelettes to wash away that dirty feeling, along with cheap-red wine-flavored lip balm to soothe overworked smackers. This pack allegedly heals all seven deadly sins, and a bubble bath sure beats reciting 30 Hail Mary's. But we still think you're a slut.

Pecker Heckler
Depending on how you look at it, the 7-inch gold pecker candle ($4.95, $24.95 for the 12-incher! Fantasy Adult Video, 1512 W Burnside St., 295-6969, and other locations) can be one of two things: homage to the male sex organ or an opportunity for those wronged by men to burn the Evil Penis. Either way, it's a hilarious bedroom accessory for those with a zippered-down sense of humor.

Sticking It to the Man
Fists pumping in the air have long been the sign of angry protesters. But this isn't the kind of fist that gets thrust into the air. The rubber fist (sale price $21.56, Spartacus) comes in two varieties--fingers together and pointing or fingers balled into a fist. It's well worth wrapping up this holiday season, if only to see the look on the recipient's face.

Pour Some Sugar on Me!
Sometimes sex needs a little sugar-coating. Turn your lover into a tasty dessert with the Sweet Ecstasy Body Decorating Kit ($19.95, Fantasy Adult Video). The kit comes with three tubes of icing with precious names like "Oh Baby! Blue" and "Tickle Me Pink." Shake on some of the body sprinkles and you've got a delicious little snack. If everything goes as planned, you'll soon work up a hunger of a different kind.

MORE GIFT IDEAS

Bathtub Foreplay Body Wash
Spin the wheel for some kinky bathtime fun, but be prepared to be naughty. Featuring slots such as Spank Me, Suck My Toes, and Wash My Privates, this sexy body wash will make you want to stay in the bathroom forever.

$11.95, Presents of Mind, 3633 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 230-7740.

Strip Chocolate Party Game
Always thought board games were boring? Not this one. The Strip Chocolate Party Game comes with chocolate paint and brushes. Not only do you get to paint your partner, but you can lick away your handiwork afterward. Of course, surface prep is key, so stripping is essential.

$24.95, Balloons on Broadway, 617 SW Washington St., 241-3336.

Taxicab Confessions
Some hot stuff happens in NYC cabs. Why not have a piece of the action? Resource Revival has made clocks out of discarded taxicab medallions.

$29.50, Mirador, 2106 SE Division St., 231-5175, and www.resourcerevival.com.

Silk Pajamas
Soft and sensual silken pajamas...need we say more? Available in leopard print, purple, red and black.

$39, Frederick's of Hollywood, Clackamas Town Center, 11800 SE 82nd Ave., 654-9948, and other locations.

Gift Guide No. 1-- gifts over $50, published Dec. 4, 2002