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January 5th, 2011 MARTY SMITH | Dr. Know
 

Dr. Know: Synthetic Urine

     
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So, my job released a new drug policy where they “reserve the right” to randomly drug test. Does this mean I need to stop smoking pot now, or are they just blowing smoke? —Amy Crackhouse

Allow me to begin by mouthing some insincere pieties sure to warm the cockles of my parole officer’s heart: If you happen to be an airline pilot, neurosurgeon or nuclear bomb disposal technician, you probably should heed your employer’s policy, obey the law and just come to work drunk like everybody else.

Chances are, however, you’re a barista, shit shoveler, humor columnist or other harmless drudge for whom being baked out of your gourd presents no moral hazard, especially if you do it on your own time.

Of course, the 100 percent safe strategy is to quit smoking pot. But before you do anything rash, you might want to wait and see if they actually test anyone, and if so, how they go about it.

According to Bob Keith, whose Dragon Herbarium sells a wide variety of, um, personal privacy solutions, the most common reported method involves visiting a third-party testing facility. (There are also methods where the sample is collected right then and there, used by employers who feel the need to display extraordinary vigilance.)

In either case, Keith suggests you “keep a synthetic urine handy.” Check the Internet for strategies for keeping it at body temperature—trust me, they’re a hoot.

Now, God knows, we here at WW would never advocate that you break the law. But speaking philosophically, I think you have a right to choose whether any system deserves your willing participation. Especially one based on the notion that society will collapse if the potato masher at Olive Garden smoked a doobie four days ago.

 
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