Is Portland noisier than most cities its size? I live on a side street in Northeast Portland, and for whatever reason, every dickhead in the city has to walk or bike by between 10 pm and 3 am screaming at the top of their lungs.
—Praying for Early Hearing Loss
It will illustrate how little we know about the noisiness of American cities when I tell you that the most authoritative ranking we have to date was produced by erection-obsessed Men’s Health magazine.
The only noise MH really seems to care about is your turgid schlong clattering against your rock-hard abs. Still, in 2009 the magazine cobbled together a half-baked matrix of noise ordinances, traffic statistics and sleep data for 100 U.S. cities to estimate which were loudest.
I admit this method isn’t that different from the one I’d use if I, like the editors of Men’s Health, had been up for 72 hours straight typing Viagra reviews with my penis.
On this admittedly bogus list, Portland ranked 22nd-noisiest. So I guess the answer to your question is “yes.” But frankly, I’m more intrigued by the news that “every dickhead in Portland” is on your street.
We can conservatively estimate that one in four Portlanders is a dickhead. (Just imagine if we were doing this column in the Hillsboro Argus!) That’s about 150,000 dickheads, enough to make a single-file line 150 miles long.
Since they all pass by within five hours, though, they must be linking arms 10 abreast (a phallic phalanx!) to make their screaming, dickheaded way down your street in the allotted time.
Are you sure this is happening every night and not, say, once a month? Because what you’re describing sounds a helluva lot like Last Thursday. But I’m not a fancy bonerologist from Men’s Health, so what do I know?
QUESTIONS? Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org