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October 23rd, 2013 MATTHEW SINGER | Headout
 

Headout: Hello, Dolly!

Five other potential Dolly Parton musicals.

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You may have misremembered Nine to Five, the classic 1980 Dolly Parton workplace comedy, as a musical, considering the eponymous theme song is more famous than the film. Alas, it only received the song-and-dance treatment five years ago. Similarly, you’d assume there would be dozens of stage musicals based on Parton songs by now, but somehow, 9 to 5: The Musical—which hits Portland this week—is the first and only one currently in production. This is absurd, because, as you’ll see below, so many of Parton’s songs translate easily to the stage.


Love Is Like a Butterfly

Two feuding lepidopterists discover they have more in common than just an appreciation of the superfamily Papilionoidea. But can their relationship fully metamorphosize in a world that doesn’t believe in mixing the study of holometabolous invertebrates with pleasure?

Casting suggestions: Sandra Bullock; Nick Lachey; Meatloaf as Dr. Fritzwielder, the widowed head of the university lepidopterology department who no longer believes in love, only prothoracicotropic hormones.


Coat of Many Colors

A retelling of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, set on a Tennessee chicken farm. 

Casting suggestions: Powers Boothe as Papa Jake; the guy from Fun as Lil’ Joey; George Clinton as the Dreamcoat.


Jolene

A subtle allegory for the collapse of the U.S. economy, framed around a passive-aggressive catfight between two women battling over the same man.

Casting suggestions: Christina Hendricks and Adele as the women; Sam Elliott as Sam, the ladies’ shared object of desire—a loving uncle with a penchant for wearing garish colors and glaring at people while pointing.


Applejack

A disgraced breakfast-food magnate living as a recluse in an orchard befriends a lonely country gal and teaches her the ways of life through bluegrass songs and toilet moonshine. After his sudden death, she discovers his recipe for an apple-flavored cereal, which goes on to become a beloved treat for children everywhere. He is immortalized on the box in the form of a banjo-picking cartoon cinnamon stick. Then everybody sings.

Casting suggestions: Steve Earle; Taylor Swift; Melissa Leo as the young girl’s mother, who forbids her daughter from spending time with “that damn oat peddler!”



I Will Always Love You

Something about a singing bodyguard, maybe?

Casting suggestions: Channing Tatum; Selena Gomez; Lavell “Huell from Breaking Bad” Crawford as the rival bodyguard because the world needs more Huell.  


GO: Stumptown Stages presents 9 to 5: The Musical at the Brunish Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 381-8686. 7:30 pm Thursdays-Saturdays and 2 pm Saturdays-Sundays through Nov. 10. $29.25-$46.25.

 
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