HOOP DREAMS

Ingrida Sabonis and Marshall Glickman host a welcoming cocktail party and announcement of teams.

Have you watched the evening news (or read the police blotter) and wondered what it would really be like to don the uniform of Portland's only major-league sports team? Now, thanks to the inaugural Trail Blazers Basketball Fantasy Camp, for only $2,995 you can find out. The four-day camp will be held next March in Beaverton and promises personal attention from "former Trail Blazer greats" such as Jerome Kersey, Maurice Lucas, Darrall Imhoff and Bill Walton, who will not only participate in daily games, but also "share experiences from their careers in the NBA!" While all that sounds great, WW imagined a grittier "fantasy" Blazers camp that would immerse its campers in a more realistic version of life in noble red, black and gold.

Wednesday

2 pm: Sam Bowie emcees player warm-ups
and draft.

7 pm: Ingrida Sabonis and Marshall Glickman host a welcoming cocktail party and announcement of teams.

Thursday

10 am: Breakfast seminar: Punch Up
Your Game!

Zach Randolph and Ruben Patterson explain the importance of teamwork, both on and off the court.

2 pm: Skills session, pre-game practice
and Game 1.

7 pm: Dinner seminar: Driving the Lane

Qyntel Woods and Rasheed Wallace explain the meaning of the words "insurance," "license" and "suspended." Useful information on fixing the towing-inflicted scratches on your Cadillac Escalade will be provided.

Friday

10 am: Grateful Dead appreciation brunch, hosted by Bill Walton in his 16-foot teepee in the parking lot. Don't forget to sign your release so you can appear on NBA TV's new reality show, Bill Walton's Long Strange Trip.

2 pm: Skills session, pre-game practice and Game 2.

7 pm: Dinner seminar: Joint Guard--The Pick and Roll

Damon Stoudamire will address such topics as finding a discreet drug dealer, reasons not to transport illegal drugs across state lines, the Fourth Amendment and closing your front door. Session to include a lab portion in which students will observe the interaction of aluminum foil and a metal detector.

Saturday

10 am: Breakfast seminar: The Pickup Game

Former Blazer stars Tracy Murray, Jerome Kersey and Reggie Smith discuss the art of estimating young women's ages, taking into account such adverse conditions as poor mall lighting. Cliff Robinson will talk about how to spot off-duty female officers outside nightclubs. Ruben Patterson will give tips on nanny selection.

2 pm: Skills session, pre-game practice and Game 3 (the Blazers' traditional playoff exit).

7 pm: Awards banquet, hosted by Paul Allen (via satellite).