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June 16th, 2004 MARK BAUMGARTEN | Special Section Stories
 

Straight, But Not Narrow

Just because I...

     
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...WATCH THE OC, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GAY.

I don't necessarily believe in guilty pleasures. In my book, if you like it, you like it. And I like the FOX teensploitation drama The OC. Even more, I like it for the two male characters, Seth and Ryan, and their strangely homoerotic relationship. But that does not mean I'm gay. You see, I am not intrigued by them because I want to have sex with them. I am intrigued by them because I can relate to them. Although I will not deny that they are handsome.

...WAS IN SHOW CHOIR, THAT DOES NOT MEAN I'M GAY.

Some schools had jazz choir, others had drama club; anyplace where men (and women) are free to come together and put their teen angst to good, creative use. Mainly, though, it was a repository for all guys who were considered by many to be light in the loafers, or, as my Midwestern football-playing friends called me, a faggot. But that does not mean I'm gay. Sure, I performed a choreographed dance to Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" while wearing a sequenced cummerbund and tie. But, hey, I was in it for the ladies. Trust me: High-school girls love to watch guys in cheap tuxedoes sing "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables. Mad pussy.

...WEAR VERY TIGHT JEANS, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GAY.

I may or may not have purchased a pair of women's jeans from Red Light a couple of months ago. They were in the men's section, but all the tags were torn off, and these mutherfuckers are tight. So, yes, I might be wearing women's jeans right now. But that does not mean I'm gay. I'm a tall skinny guy with a small ass, and relaxed fit or, god forbid, loose fit makes it look like I shit my pants. So I need my jeans tight. And if I must wear women's clothing to achieve my desired aesthetic, so be it. Just because I'm wearing size 6 women's jeans instead of size 30 men's doesn't mean that I am any less prone to het sex. I just like lookin' stylish before I strip down to my skivvies.

...ENJOY HITTING IT FROM THE BACKSIDE, THAT DOES NOT MEAN I'M GAY.

There is a notion among some women in this world that men whose preferred sexual position is "doggy style" have hidden homosexual fantasies. This is totally false. How do I know? Because I enjoy the rear entry. Hey, I'm not talking about anal--that's gross. It's all about angles and geometry--you know, manly stuff like that. I'm not gay. Just because the most common position for gay men is similar to my favorite ass-slapping position, it doesn't mean there's a connection. Monkeys do it that way. So do two semi trucks on Aerosmith's Pump album. But that doesn't mean that I, or any gay man for that matter, necessarily wants to have sex with a monkey or a Peterbilt. So please get off my ass.


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