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March 23rd, 2005 WW Editorial Staff | Winners & Losers
 

The NewsCapsule (Patent Pending)

     
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Rosarian People's Liberation Front - WINNERS
WINNERS

The Rosarian People's Liberation Front rejoiced as Rosa Montoya, a single mom, won Roosevelt High School's spot on this year's Rose Festival Court. Traditionalists were shocked as the hidebound "Realm of Rosaria" saw another barrier crumble between itself and the 21st century.

Litigious parents everywhere cheered when a mom in the West Linn-Wilsonville School District hit a novel jackpot. She nabbed a $10,000 settlement after two school employees sheared her autistic son's overgrown locks.

Dorothy English, 92-year-old poster child for the ballot measure that's shaking up Oregon land-use laws, realized her wildest dreams when Multnomah County agreed to let her subdivide her rural property. After a decade-long battle, English may now build up to eight homes on her spread.

Al French, the Clackamas County prosecutor who helped the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth slime John Kerry last summer, has wriggled out of ethics charges. The state bar rejected claims that French lied in his anti-Kerry affidavit. And they say there's no such thing as Justice!

LOSERS

Portland drivers reconsidered that joyride to Estacada as gas prices soared-topping off at $2.37 a gallon along I-205. Coincidentally, the weekend also marked the second anniversary of the Iraq war and the Senate's vote to drill for oil in Alaska wilderness. Does news get any better?

Washington County couch potatoes may find their wallets with a coupla more bucks to spend on chips and beers. County regulators ruled that Comcast overcharged 101,748 customers for installation, equipment and service, and ordered the cable giant to pay up, with interest. Cable addicts in Multnomah County may also be in line for small refunds.

Oregon Ducks fans found their most lurid suspicions confirmed when an Oregon State football player was busted in possession of a stolen gay sheep. The wayward Beaver heisted his companion from a university research facility specializing in rams who love rams. No word on the couple's future plans.

 
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