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With Captain America: Civil War pitting superheros against one another in a comic-book punchfest this weekend, summer movie season is finally here. That means studios are rolling out their finest dramas, coming-of-age tales and historical epics for the masses.
No. Wait. Fuck that. Not even in the previews. Shit's about to blow up. Literally. Sequels! Comic books! Sequels to comic books! Explosions!
Here's the rundown of the movies set to charge into the multiplex this summer.
High-Rise (May 13)
If you've seen any other Ben Wheatley movie– hitman horror Kill List, jet-black romantic comedy Sightseers and hallucinogenic period piece A Field in England among them—then the prospect of a Tom Hiddleston-starring, early Cronenberg-influenced tale of a dystopian society masquerading as a utopian condo complex is something that, at the very least, going to be a trippy, lucid, violent, hyper-sexual and highly stylized spectacle of a mindfuck.
The Nice Guys (May 20)
Shane Black essentially invented the modern buddy-cop flick with Lethal Weapon, and while he's now known to the masses as the director of the underrated Iron Man 3, he's also the brain behind neo-noir masterpiece Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, a film that reminded the world of the wonders of a snarky Robert Downey Jr long before Tony Stark. This basically looks like a big-budget version of KKBB, with Russell Crowe in the Val Kilmer role and Ryan Gosling filling in RDJ's ticks. For fans of snark, casual violence and badass sideburns.
X-Men: Apocalypse (May 27)
The Jennifer Lawrence Franchise Farewell Tour continues where The Hunger Games left off, here with L.Law making her final appearance as blue-skinned Mystique in the surprisingly fantastic X-Men Babies franchise of revisionist timeline-upfucking shenanigans. This time, it's in the '80s, and rumor has it that Taylor Swift has a cameo amid the chaos. If it's half as good as Days of Future Past, this is gonna be this summer's thinking-man's comic flick.
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (June 3)
Oh, sure, a Lonely Island-produced, Andy Samberg-starring mockumentary about a clueless Bieber-type American idol might sound like a toss-off SNL Digital Short stretched out to feature length, but anyone who caught Samberg's brilliantly bizarro HBO tennis riff 7 Days in Hell should know this could be a weird new classic. Hopefully, this is Walk Hard for the post-N'Sync world.
Swiss Army Man (June 17)
AKA "The Harry Potter farting-boner-corpse movie," this indie curio is basically Castaway, with Paul Dano as the stranded survivor and Daniel Radcliffe taking in the Wilson role. Except instead of a volleyball, he's a decomposing corpse. And he has a boner. And propulsive flatulence strong enough to allow his bloated body to function as a jet ski. So… yes!
Finding Dory (June 17)
Thirteen years after Finding Nemo, Pixar is finally rolling out a sequel, and making good on the animation studio's promise to make adults explain to children why they're crying again because of a fucking cartoon about fish. Just give them the Oscar. Sadists. Because goddammit, the trailer made us all cry twice. Haters, just keep swimming. In our tears.
Independence Day: Resurgence (June 24)
Twenty years later, Independence Day gets a sequel. Bet on some stammering Jeff Goldblum. Bet on some landmarks getting leveled. And bet on humans once again using some immediately antiquated technology to stop the alien menace. Last time it was a virus uploaded through dial-up internet. Maybe this time it's a spam-bot?
The Legend of Tarzan (July 1)
Alexander Skarsgard and his 24-pack abs take to the jungle in an effort to make my die of heat stroke. Thanks a lot, Skarsgard. Because of you, a whole generation of dudes is getting a gym membership for Father's Day.
The BFG (July 1)
The last time Steven Spielberg ditched history books for a live-action take on a kid's classic, we got Hook. Hopefully, his take on Roald Dahl's beloved Big Friendly Giant fares better. Or at the very least doesn't pull out a bangarang food fight.
Ghostbusters (July 15)
Everybody freaked out at the prospect of certified classic Ghostbusters, sand dongs. Well, look, Ghostbusters has already been remade. It was called Men in Black, and nobody really cared. If Paul Feig's Kristin Wiig/Melissa McCarthy/Leslie Jones/Kate McKinnon-starring official remake was called anything other than Ghostbusters, we'd be fine with it. At least it's not RIPD 2: Moon Cycle to the Afterlife.
Jason Bourne (July 29)
He swore he'd never murder somebody with a book or a pencil or whatever again. But then Jeremy Renner proved to be less likeable turning household items into murder weapons. And now Matt Damon, director Paul Greengrass and—from the looks of the preview—a bunch of HGH are back in the shaky-ass world of Robert Ludlum's Bourne series, ready to prove why even Bond wanted to be Bourne for the past decade. No dirtbike is safe.
Suicide Squad (August 5)
After Superman and Batman only made a billion dollars or so, DC is banking on Margot Robbie and Jared Leto as the world's sexiest juggalos to bring their comic-book universe around by changing supervillains into superheroes. The movie involves a bunch of outcasts from Batman's rogue's gallery as government-sponsored mercenaries. Pass the Faygo. Judging by all the reports of Leto's idiotic "method acting" shenanigans, audiences might need it.
The Founder (August 5)
Following his Oscar defeat for Birdman and snubbing for Spotlight, Michael Keaton's comeback tour hits year three with The Founder, the tale of how a shifty appliance salesman (Keaton) duped a couple of earnest brothers (Nick Offerman and John Carrol Lynch) into franchising out a little burger joint. Billions of Happy Meals later, we get a movie that makes Keaton's Ray Kroc look like a modern-day Daniel Plainview, milkshakes and all.
Don't Breathe (August 26)
A couple years back, rookie director Fede Alvarez astounded naysayers with a competent, slick and insanely gooey remake of horror sacred cow Evil Dead. Now he turns his eye to the home-invasion thriller in a film that, if buzz is to be believed, relies on genuine tension over gore and crazy effects. As summer palate cleanser, that sounds like a strangely fresh take on spectacle.
Willamette Week