A Brief List of all the Things I Would Like to Ask Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton

They include, but are not limited to: What are you going to do about Joseph Kony? How are we going to save the bees?

By Curtis Cook

By now, we all know of Kenneth Bone and the second presidential debate, which was rife with all the question dodging anyone could have ever hoped for.

It was dramatic to see how the candidates initially refused to shake hands. Then it was funny-in-a-gross-way to watch Trump attempt to defend his sexist comments from ten years ago. Then it was rewarding to see Hillary Clinton finally smile the very real smile of a woman who knows she's about to be president. And in the end, it all perfectly culminated with Karl Becker's closing question, which awkwardly forced two political opponents to say something kind to each other in a cordial—though not entirely genuine—conclusion.

I didn't watch the debate when it first aired because I don't trust live television. In fact, I haven't seen a live, televised event since the 2004 Superbowl when two pop stars robbed me of both my innocence and my ability to trust the family-friendly values of network television.

I did, however, watch the debate on YouTube last night at x2 speed, which I heavily recommend. Not only does it make the bullshit last only half as long, but it makes it easier to pretend that two chipmunks are having an urgent disagreement about the fate of the free world while Simon (from Alvin and the Chipmunks) and Jeanette (Simon's female counterpart from the less prominent Chipettes) do their best to moderate. Because you know in your heart that if Anderson Cooper had to be a chipmunk, he would be a Simon, and Martha Raddatz would be a Jeanette.

But as the debate wrapped up and the two opponents finally shook hands, I couldn't help but wonder what questions I might've ask the candidates if given the opportunity. After a great deal of consideration, I took a pen and began to write down every question I thought befitting to ask a presidential hopeful.

Of course, some of these inquiries are political in nature. I think, though, that there's plenty to be learned from how a candidate answers hard-hitting, personal questions. So below, I've included a brief list of all the things I would like to ask Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton (I know that there are technically more than two candidates, but c'mon now). I believe the answers to these questions would greatly serve the American people in deciding on our 45th president, and I sincerely believe that if you ask these questions of yourself, you may learn something new about what kind of a person you truly are:

  • What are you going to do about Joseph Kony?
  • How are we going to save the bees?
  • Did you actually watch The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, or did you just act sad when it got canceled to maintain your liberal credibility?
  • Given the current state of unrest, do you plan on continuing the further militarization the law enforcement officers?
  • Is Gucci Mane a clone?
  • Do you think Jay-Z actually cheated on Beyoncé, or was it all an elaborate ruse to get everyone to download Tidal for the free one month trial period?
  • As diseases such as Zika and Ebola spread from the developing world to North America, what do you believe is our nation’s role in better preventing these ailments abroad before they pose any major threat to folks in the U.S.?
  • Which of the Koch brothers do you think has the bigger dick?
  • What does Marcellus Wallace look like?
  • Will Daesh be the last terrorist organization created by our foreign policy blunders, or do you think we have another one up our sleeves?
  • Does ska technically count as music?
  • Do you in any way believe that young voters will actually show up to the ballot boxes when it comes time for Congressional elections?
  • Pokémon or Digimon?
  • Who is John Galt?
  • Who’s on first?
  • Why does Tumblr keep deleting all my favorite porn blogs?
  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
  • When will the Artemis Fowl book series get the credit it deserves?
  • Train A, traveling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Westville heading toward Eastville, 240 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Eastville heading toward Westville. When do the two trains meet?
  • Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it, or just let it slip?

There are certainly more questions I would like to ask. For example, I'd like to know if Hillary Clinton enjoys her present wardrobe or if she has some dope sundresses picked out for her second term in office when, for the first time in decades, she'll no longer have to placate the chauvinistic masses by exclusively wearing heavily starched pantsuits. I would also like to ask Donald Trump how he sleeps at night and/or lives with himself.

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