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I took a sex-ed class in the eighth grade. Our teacher wanted to make sure that everyone in the course learned how to label all the different parts of the vagina, but she was incredibly adamant that we all knew exactly where the clitoris was. At the time, I thought it was a bit strange how often our teacher would emphasize the importance of identifying the clitoris and lifting the clitoral hood. But looking back on it, I realize just how much I owe that woman.
We also learned a little bit about menstruation in that class. Unfortunately, all the Catholic moms staged a coup halfway through the semester, took over the PTA, and convinced the school to shut down the sex-ed program before we wrapped up our lesson plan on periods. So I still have a lot of unanswered questions about Aunt Flo. Like, does the strongest woman in the area determined who syncs with whom? Is that woman's period called the Alpha Period? What's up with the blue fluid in every tampon commercial? Why do they want me to think that period blood looks like off-brand Listerine? And isn't it kind of shitty that you can't spell "menstruation" without the word "men"? It's like a monthly reminder that the patriarchy is still in charge of naming things that happen to your body.
There's a lot that I just don't know. But however uninformed I may be, I understand that periods are a natural part of life that fuck up a few days out of every month. So I was excited to read that a digital media company in Mumbai, India is now offering menstrual leave to its female staff and allowing them to take the first day of their period off work.
This isn't the first time that the idea of a paid menstrual leave has been addressed. It's already been a part of discussions in England, Italy, parts of China, and private companies in the United States.
Personally, I think that this is a great idea that more employers should consider adopting. Alas, women in America would never be able to take a day off for their periods without a bunch of sad dudes complaining that it was unfair. Luckily, I've come up with a compromise that should convince more guys to to get behind the idea.
Most men will never know the pain of menstruation. I won't ever understand how difficult it must be to bleed and ache once a month, all the while knowing that enduring such suffering is the cost a mortal woman pays for the miraculous gift of bringing life into this world like a beautiful fucking goddess. The pain, the responsibility, and the sheer power of it all completely eludes me.
But I do know what it's like to be a little too horny to focus on the job.
So I put forward that women get one day off every month at the start of their periods, and men get one day off every month whenever they're feeling too turned on to contribute to society.
I know that it's not exactly a fair proposal since women will be lying in bed and chewing Midol while men are masturbating with glee, but at least it'll get more guys on board with the idea of a menstrual leave.
Besides, I'm pretty sure that the only way to make men care about periods is to find a way to link female reproductive health to the male orgasm. After all—and I think this is true of all people, regardless of sex or gender—it's really hard to care about anything that doesn't make you cum.
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