The Dakota Access Pipeline Is Suing Greenpeace for “Criminal Activity,” You’ve Got to be Kidding

Greenpeace is definitely the real enemy here. Obviously.

(DAPL photo c/o Flickr user Fibonacci Blue)
By Curtis Cook

Energy Transfer Partners (ETP), the company behind the Dakota Access Pipeline, is suing Greenpeace for "criminal activity."

ETP claims that Greenpeace spread misinformation which lead to protests against the instillation of the pipeline, which may in turn have cost the company billions of dollars. But now that the pipeline is finally up and running, ETP is ready to take the next step in its bold fight for justice by suing the shit out of some tree huggers.

Sure, some might see this suit as a pathetic attempt by ETP to tie Greenpeace down with expensive, time-consuming litigation as punishment for the environmental organization's notable opposition to the pipeline's construction. But I personally believe it's only fair that the billion dollar natural gas and propane company seek indemnity.

After all, Greenpeace is the real enemy here. ETP spent years developing state of the art technology that allows them to turn ancient dinosaur bones into gas for your Prius. Then, the benevolent oil company financed the installation of a pipeline that will generously transport resources to those in need. But Greenpeace insisted on obstructing ETP’s altruistic deeds by complaining about petty nonsense like “water contamination” and “environmental safety” and “Indigenous people’s rights” and “the sanctity of human life” and “bla bla bla.”

Luckily, the suit against Greenpeace is just the beginning. ETP's bravery has already inspired other companies to step out of the shadows and demand their due compensation.

Though it's been almost three decades since the spill took place, Exxonmobil has finally decided to do the right thing and sue the Bligh Reef. And Exxon isn't just suing the reef. They're also suing all of the selfish, opportunistic seagulls who purposefully covered themselves in crude oil in a sad attempt to steal resources from Exxon back in 1989.

And it's not just energy suppliers who're filing similar suits. Minute Maid recently announced their plans to sue a six-year-old girl named Madison for unlawfully distributing their product at a small town lemonade stand. Some may consider this a rather controversial case, but it is completely within Minute Maid's right to pursue legal recourse against the child. Sure, in the eyes of the American public, Madison is just a cute entrepreneur who launched an adorable startup in her friend Olivia's front lawn. But in the eyes of the law, Madison is a  white collar criminal who deserves to be tried as an adult.

So remember: The little guy always wins, so long as that little guy is a filthy rich corporation.

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