Some Drink to Remember: The Only Old-Portland Cocktail Menu You'll Ever Need

Old Portland. We all miss it, even though we aren't sure when it started or ended, or even what it was, necessarily. This weekend, you can celebrate that evanescent time with a Night Carnival for Old Portland, where they will serve Old Portland cocktails. If you can't make it, we've got a few of our own that you can make in your Clown House and drink while watching Ramblin' Rod videos on the free couch you yanked off the curb with your cats Bud and Vera. Cheers!

The Shanghai Tunnel Surprise

A '90s-era cocktail. Warm Pabst tallboy with a half-smoked Camel Light at the bottom.

The Silent Waterfall

A cup of Columbia River water drizzled over salmon roe, salted to taste with the drinker's tears.

The AAlexakis

Folgers Coffee, bleached two days in California sun and reheated by microwave, served in a Styrofoam to-go cup.

The Drugstore Cowboy

Actually just heroin.

The Pinker Martini

A Shirley Temple made with flat 7 Up.

The Captain of Industry

One shot of Willamette River sewage water infused with moss from outside Bullseye Glass and mixed with one shot of HRD vodka, served in a red glass.

The Dandiest Warhol of All

Champagne with a "powdered sugar" rim.

The Best Voodoo Doughnut

Two tablespoons of NyQuil and a double shot of vodka in a cup full of Froot Loops with an aspirin garnish.

The Storm Largest

Fireball and vodka, served tall and shaken with ice balls.

The Hobo Christmas

One handle of bottom-shelf gin, muddled with crushed breath mints foraged from local restaurants. Accompanied by a McDonald's ketchup-packet chaser. Served inside or outside of Tony's Tavern.

The I, Anonymous

Seawater imported from Seattle with an additional sprinkle of salt, shaken with lightly chewed gum. Served with a mini-doughnut on a penis-shaped skewer.

The Long Decemberist

A cup of aged mead made by noble and tragic seditionists, with a dash of crane's blood. Served in a gilded chalice and garnished with a bough of young pine.

GO: Trampled Rose: A Night Carnival for Old Portland is at the Steep and Thorny Way to Heaven, Southeast 2nd Avenue and Hawthorne Boulevard, on Saturday, April 9. 9:30 pm. $15. facebook.com/events/835440829918216.

Willamette Week