The Long-Awaited Results of the "Make Portland Shitty Again" Contest

Two weeks ago, we asked you to help solve our city’s housing crisis by convincing the world that Portland is a crappy place to live.

By Marty Smith

What we need is a zero-growth policy—nobody moves in unless someone dies or moves out. We gonna get a "Make Portland Shitty Again" bumper sticker!

—Mike and Zelda

That's not really a question, M and Z. But that's OK, because this isn't an answer—it's the long-awaited results of our "Make Portland Shitty Again" contest!

Two weeks ago, we asked you to help solve our city's housing crisis by convincing the world that Portland is a crappy place to live. You delivered, with more letters than for any previous column.

Related: We've Officially Determined When Old Portland Died

The most common type of complaint was transportation-related—potholes, traffic, lousy drivers, thoughtless cyclists, etc. (Sample comment: "We're poky, indecisive drivers awash in a sea of electronically zombified pedestrian-rights fanatics.")

Unfortunately, pretty much every city thinks its traffic and drivers are the worst, and such critiques don't really single out Portland as the one true limburger-and-sardine sandwich of cities.

The second-most popular slam was even less persuasive: Portland as ecological disaster. (Sample comment: "The air and soil in Portland carry many dangerous toxins in high concentrations, and the city's river is a Superfund site.")

Get real. Portland may not be as clean as we'd like, but nearly every major city in California—our main source of new residents—was included in the American Lung Association's 2015 list of America's 10 most polluted cities. We look plenty green to them.

Coming in at No. 3 were gripes related to the housing crisis itself—rent spikes, cost of living, gentrification and homelessness. (Sample comment: "Skyrocketing rents and home prices, and 200,000 more people [coming] in 20 years!")

Related: I'm From Portland But I Live in the Bay Now. Please, Don't Let Portland Change.

This last category sounds persuasive to you and me, but migrants from San Francisco or Seattle (particularly those who haven't yet examined the local job market) still say things like, "Ohmigod, it's so cheap here!" immediately before perishing in a hail of well-deserved gunfire.

Related: I'm a Californian, and I'm Here to Stay.

But fear not, Portland. Strewn among this chaff were a few kernels of gold. Tune in for next week's exciting conclusion: Portland Really Does Suck!

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