High-End Goods for Posh Pets

THUNDERSHIRT 

$41.50 at Pets on Broadway, 2762 NE Broadway

Dogs and cats are anxious creatures. Surely, you can relate. Also like you, when the world gets scary, they really just want to be held. Think of the Thundershirt as wearable Xanax for pets. It's a vest made of light, breathable fabric that applies gentle pressure to your pet's chest, simulating the feeling of being swaddled to help keep it calm during a thunderstorm, Fourth of July fireworks or Trump tweetstorm. Sadly, the only option for you is to continue binge-eating taco bowls.

TANNER ADJUSTABLE DOG LEASHES

$90 at Tanner Goods, 4719 N Albina Ave.

Paying $90 for a leash might seem like a lot, but think about how many cheap leashes you go through in your dog's lifetime. These handsome leather straps from Portland's Tanner Goods, made from the same English bridle leather as the company's gorgeous wallets and purses, will last forever.

CLEVERPET

$299 at clever.pet

Dogs are thought of as the jocks of the pet world whose only interests are running, humping, shitting and sleeping. But studies show that they enjoy using their brains, too—particularly when food is involved. With an interface that'll remind '80s kids of the game Simon, CleverPet's Hub asks the dog to solve a series of increasingly difficult pattern-based puzzles by pressing light pads, and dispenses a treat as reward. It's Pavlov for the digital era.

BARRIER BEDS

$70-$160 at Cycle Dog, 2215 NW Quimby St.

Portland's Cycle Dog specializes in pet products made from recyclable material, including brightly colored dog beds made from water bottles. The waterproof material is similar to Gore-Tex, which makes it easy to clean, and the three-layer fleece protects against odor and microbes. Plus, it's comfortable enough to curl up in yourself after stumbling home on Saturday night. Win-win!

PETSAFE SMARTDOOR

$94.99 at petsafe.net and Mud Bay locations. Call ahead to confirm inventory—see mudbay.com.

The drawback to allowing your pets the freedom to come and go as they please is that it leaves your home vulnerable to intruders, whether it's a mouse, opossum or felonious toddler. PetSafe's SmartDoor solves that problem by essentially giving your cat and/or dog their own key—in this case, an electronic device attached to the animal's collar, which sends out a signal to unlock the battery-powered flap.

OUR PETS WONDERBOWL SELECTIVE FEEDER

$41.99 at target.com

When it comes to food, pets can make deeply disrespectful roommates. The WonderBowl solves the problem of multiple pets eating each other's meals. Using the same basic idea as the SmartDoor, it scans an infrared module attached to your pet's collar and lifts a lid preventing unauthorized animals from chowing down. Unfortunately, there is not yet any such device to keep Scott from stealing all your damn pizza rolls.

iFETCH

$115 at goifetch.com

Is your schnauzer's energy surpassing your attention span? An ideal toy for the absentee pet owner, iFetch allows dogs to play fetch with themselves. Simply drop a ball into the hole in the top, and this tea kettle-shaped robo-nanny shoots it across the room. Once your dog figures out how it works, he'll entertain himself for hours. Also doubles as a fine distraction for when that last-minute business trip forces you to cancel yet another playdate with your kid. They'll hardly notice you're not there again!

LITTER ROBOT

$449 at litter-robot.com

Aside from the shredded furniture, early-morning wake-up calls, relationship insecurity and sudden acts of violence, cleaning out a litter box is the worst part of cat ownership. A self-cleaning space pod the size of a mini-fridge seems like an overcorrection…but is it really? Seven minutes after your cat does its business, Litter Robot automatically sifts the waste and replaces the litter, and all you have to do is dump out the refuse tray when it tells you it's full. For your cats, it's like pooping inside BB-8. Just be aware that when the robot uprising comes, these guys are going to be particularly vengeful.

BOUTIQUE PET HOUSE

prices vary at poshpuppyboutique.com

Sometimes, you need to give your pets a little space. And if you really love them, you'll give them their own apartment. Posh Puppy Boutique offers high-end animal bachelor pads that damn near double as tiny homes. There's a modernist, cube-shaped dwelling described as "paying homage to the Bauhaus design" and a "Swiss chalet," both priced at $5,500. There's a $6,200 pink castle—"if desired the coronet on the front can be ennobled with Swarovski crystals," notes the product description—and one shaped like a wooden lifeguard station for only $6,000. Most egregious? A straight-up Southern-style plantation home, complete with mansion pillars and latticed windows, for $7,500. Sure, they're all insanely expensive, but once you start renting it out as an Airbnb, it'll pay for itself! ¨