An Old Person's Guide to Ariana Grande

She's an actress-turned-pop star, and she can really sing, man. The 22-year-old has one of the best voices in the world, and it's not just pop music. It's light as frozen yogurt but can still knock you on your ass with its sheer physicality. She is often compared to Mariah Carey for her ability to hit the highest of notes and her fondness for the sort of breathy, rhythmic '90s R&B that is sort of out of step with current pop trends.

Hey, I like R&B! Will she do a new jack swing cover?

We can only hope so. But seriously, check out Grande's debut album, Yours Truly, a total gem of a record that trades in throwback vibes and broken hearts. Lead single "The Way" even features a sample from Brenda Russell's "A Little Bit of Love," which you've probably also heard as the basis for Big Pun's 1998 single "Still Not a Player." You know, that song you requested at karaoke last week.

Has she been featured in my favorite magazine, Rolling Stone?

Grande was on the cover in September last year, and she's been featured not just for her music but also her pointed takes on the way the magazine, and pop culture in general, imposes gross double standards on women. So she's actually a good role model for your kids. Just ignore that whole doughnut-licking story.

Hmm, I'll have to Google that. Would I have seen her video on MTV or VH1?

Have you seen any music video on television in the last decade? Her intergalactic clip for Zedd-produced EDM romp "Break Free" surely broke through the constant barrage of Teen Mom and Catfish reruns on MTV to air every once in a while. She also received two Grammy nominations last year, but you knew that, right? People of your generation love the Grammys!

Oh! Is she the one who insists on having her bodyguards carry her everywhere?

Yeah, but only when she's tired. Hey, being a pop star is weird. But rock 'n' roll is dead, so you might as well embrace it. MICHAEL MANNHEIMER.

SEE IT: Ariana Grande plays Moda Center, 1 N Center Court St., on Friday, Sept. 4. 7:30 pm. $29.50-$69.50. All ages.

Willamette Week