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November 27th, 2013 12:01 am MATTHEW SINGER | Music Stories

The Soft Index

Graphing the unbearable lightweightness of Drake.

music_drake_4004Drake to Portland: Whoopsy daisy! - IMAGE: Getty Images
Drake contains multitudes. He is, after all, a half-black, half-Jewish Canadian child actor turned ginormously famous rapper. In hip-hop terms, he’s quite the unique snowflake. It isn’t just his biography: On record, while he isn’t above indulging in typical hip-hop braggadocio, he’s more likely to rhyme about drunk-dialing his ex and lament failed relationships with an unguarded emotionality most MCs wouldn’t dare approach. That openness has made him a polarizing figure in the rap world. In one way, he’s boldly redefining masculinity in a genre whose views on manhood are often troglodytic. In another way, he’s just a whiny bitch.

The common slag on Aubrey Drake Graham—yes, his real first name is Aubrey—is that he’s softer than a newborn deer wearing a cardigan. That’s not totally fair. Sure, he’s a bit sensitive, but what does that mean in the grand scheme of things? To try and put Drake in perspective, we’ve compiled the following chart.

Images courtesy of Priority Records, Notion, NBA, Leonora Enking, Getty Images, Steve Eichner and Coors

Drake is Softer Than…

Early ’90s Ice Cube

Well, duh, right? In his mean-mugging heyday, Cube was harder than 98 percent of the planet, including most minerals. He’s included here mostly for the purposes of scale, though it’s worth noting that if he were still “the Predator” and not the dad from the Are We There Yet? franchise, Drake never would’ve picked up a mic, for fear of Cube showing up on his doorstep in the middle of the night to express his displeasure.


Drake’s tour partner is a pocket-sized singer of sensual R&B love jams, but even he isn’t trying to wife-up every woman who throws their bra at him. 

LaMarcus Aldridge

Like Drake, the L-Train has endured accusations of softness, but after two All-Star selections and averaging nearly a double-double the past few seasons, much of that talk has quieted. The lesson for Drake: If you want people to stop dissing you, quit following Rihanna around and get better at rebounding.

A basket full of kittens

That might sound like a cheap insult, but cats are the true players of the domesticated animal kingdom: affectionate but frustratingly aloof, manipulating emotions to get fed and have someone to open the screen door for them. They also have keen feral instincts, meaning their survival is ultimately not predicated upon another sentient being. If anything, Drake could stand to be more of a pussy, if you catch my drift.

Drake is Harder Than…

Mo Williams

The entire city of Cleveland reacted like jilted lovers when LeBron James took his hairline to South Beach, but no one took the news harder than the former Cavalier and current Blazers guard, who spent the day after the Decision sending tweets like “I can’t believe this is really real” and “Love u Bron and always will.” If LaMarcus ever leaves Portland, expect to find Mo curled up in his bedroom next to an empty six-pack of wine coolers, trying desperately not to press “Send” on that “BUT I CAN CHANGE!” text.

P.M. Dawn

The only rap group whose albums could’ve been sold at the Nature Company. Even Drake thinks sampling Spandau Ballet is a tad too emo.

Current Ice Cube

Say what you want about Drake, at least he hasn’t allowed a bottle of Coors Light to ejaculate frost in his face for a TV commercial. Yet.

SEE IT: Drake plays Moda Center, 1401 N Wheeler Ave., with Miguel, on Tuesday, Dec. 3. 7 pm. $49.75-$99.75. All ages. 

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