rum-punch drunk, which feels a lot less like being punched than like
woozily waking up after being knocked out. You’ll be asking yourself:
Where have I been all my life?
- That hyper-jittery punch-your-friend Red Bull-and-HRD vodka drunk that’s like cocaine without the sniffles.
- The imperial barrel-aged stout drunk where you don’t know how drunk you are until you stand up and can’t feel your feet.
I-think-the-bubbles-went-hic!-right-to-my-head drunk that comes from
nabbing too many other people’s sparkling wine flutes off the platter at
old-man, cheap-gin drunk where your cheeks flush, your heart palpitates
and everything you say and think is about a good old memory that’s a
hell of a lot better than what’s happening in front of you right now. Go
to hell. I love you.
- The André Peach Passion drunk
where your mouth feels fuzzier than the fuzziest Georgia peach and
you’re already developing phantom pains in anticipation of tomorrow’s
- The raging Schlitz.
highly literary, artistic, Parisian-expat absinthe drunk that mostly
involves knocking over a bunch of chairs and insulting attractive
crappy light-beer drunk where your stomach is full because you had to
drink so much to get drunk, and no matter how much you pee, you still
have to keep peeing and your pee looks like the beer you just drank.
- The tequila dr—WOOOOO!—unk.
mom-pants, airy-headed, red-wine drunk that’s mildly forgetful and
charming for being so unpracticed. It’s kind of like the first time you
saw your grandma use the F-word.
vaguely animalistic Old Crow drunk that leaves your mouth feeling like
the remains of a campfire, and nothing but piss and vinegar in your
blood—probably from your kidneys not working.
- The gilded-stomach Goldschläger drunk: You’ll look a lot better on the inside than you do on the outside, baby.
- The 0.5-percent near-beer drunk that comes only from persistence that is too terrible to imagine.
GO!: New Year’s Eve is Tuesday, December 31. See our picks here.