Everyone hates the Eagles. Not literally everyone, of
course. A band doesn’t sell 40 million copies of a greatest-hits record
without having a few fans. But you know you’re despised when the most
scathing quotes about you are nearly as famous as your singles.
Certainly, the Moda Center will be packed Wednesday with nostalgic
boomers. But there are just as many people who’ll dry-heave upon
catching a glance of the marquee. For those who will not be purchasing
tickets, we present an alternate version of the Eagles’ greatest hits.
Or maybe we should call it the “Greatest Hits on the Eagles.”
“Another thing that interests me about the Eagles is that I hate them.” —Robert Christgau
“[T]hey represented everything that many people feel is
wrong in rock music: egos as bloated as studio budgets, music influenced
by drug intake more than emotional output, grown men playing cowboys.
They come off as deadly serious, with no sense of humor about anything,
least of all themselves.” —Stephen Deusner, Salon
They lectured college kids about their environmental
footprint while flying around in private jets. They literally called
themselves ‘The Eagles.’” —Chuck Klosterman, author of I Wear the Black Hat
“[P]ap is the worst cure-all—snake oil might poison you,
but Eagles music just blands you out. They’re Valium pretending to be
rotgut.” —Lester Bangs
“Gram [Parsons] famously referred to their music as ‘a
plastic dry-fuck.’ He bore the Eagles a special loathing, as any
listener might.” —David Meyer, author of Twenty Thousand Roads
“Their albums are good for keeping the dust off your turntable, and that’s about all.” —Tom Waits
“I still hate [the Eagles]…. There’s levels of evil in it to me.” —Stephen Malkmus
ELAINE: Anyway, Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
JERRY: What song?
ELAINE: Uh huh.
JERRY: And you’re still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado.
—Seinfeld, “The Checks”
“The Eagles represent so much of what’s wrong with music fans. Their huge arena Soft Rock junk is timecapsiled [sic] here for aliens to find in the future, and explain why we all killed each other.”
—Syndi Miller, Amazon reviewer, on Their Greatest Hits 1971-1975
“Soporific Laurel Canyon coke rock whose chief existential lament seems to be ‘What toppings should I get on my burrito?’” —Jeff Weiss, LA Weekly
“I hate the fucking Eagles, man.” —Jeff Lebowski, aka “The Dude”
“I’m certainly not thrilled with everything the Eagles did.”
GO: The Eagles play the Moda Center, 1 N Center Court St., on Wednesday, Aug. 27. 8 pm. $49-$189. All ages.