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Going Pommy in Portland

Have a royal weekend

By RUTH BROWN
Celebrate the crown Prince and his new bride by eating off their faces!

As a citizen of the Commonwealth, I'm a bit baffled by the amount of attention being paid in this country to the impending nuptuals of Wills and Kate. You got out! You don't have to care about this pack of antiquated inbred Germans any more! Have the clean-living Obamas left you desperate for sex scandals and animal hunting? Did The King's Speech mislead you into believing British royals are as attractive as Guy Pearce and Colin Firth? Pish tosh.

Several Portland business are attempting to cash in on the wedding: The Heathman is offering a "Royal Wedding Package" ("Prince and Princess themed books by your bedside"!), while The Original: A Dinerant is offering British desserts like spotted dick and sticky toffee pudding (no Eton mess? Crushing). Shamelessly exploiting the House of Windsor for every penny is actually very English, so Brownie points for authenticity, but—Yeomen Warder porters aside—these places are about as British as a 16oz pint.

Still, if you truly want to commemorate this utterly irrelevant event by dabbling in some pommy pastimes, here's some things that are "proper British":

Snag a free Scottish trifle at the Frying Scotsman food cart. Pick up some real chips (by which I mean "fries," but I really mean chips), slather them in malt vinegar and curry sauce and enjoy with a side of mushy peas.

Pick up some commemorative wedding china from Lady Di's in Lake Oswego.

Watch the Oregon Cricket League play. It's Twenty20 style, which is the least boring form of cricket.

Have tea and scones at the Tea Zone. British cream scones with Devonshire cream, not the weird American triangular rocks of the same name.

See the swingin' indie-pop ladies from the Pipettes play the Doug Fir. 

Forget those bullocks British-themed pubs—have a single malt whiskey with the charming British hosts at Temple Bar.

See Russel Brand in Arthur. Kidding! See Jane Eyre. 

Buy some British chocolate bars at Powell's. For no apparent reason, several Powell's stores sell British candy at their counters. Ignore the Aerobars (mostly air)—you want a Curly Wurly or a Flake.

WWeek 2015