Bridgetown Comedy Festival: Moments from Days 2 and 3

THAT MOMENT WHEN... Mark Koff ressurected the Yo Moma joke. Well, sorta. The New York comedian instead flipped the script on the late Def Comedy Jam classic at White Owl Social Club primetime show on Saturday, opting to use his own mother to breath new life into an obsolete gag. “My mother is such a whore,” began Koff, “that she went to the aquarium to see a sperm whale and by the time she left it was just a regular whale.” “My mother is such a whore,” continued Koff, “that I address every Father’s Day card with ‘to whom this may concern.’” And finally: “My mother is such a whore,” said Koff, “that my friend called her a cum dumpster and I said ‘Hey, dumpsters have a maximum capacity of 600 pounds. Watch what you say about dumpsters.’” —BRANDON WIDDER

THAT MOMENT WHEN... You put away your phone, even though you’re typing for work, because the affable Dwayne Perkins is doing a soft take-down of the smartphone. “Remember like 12 years ago? You had a biscuit, it was the best biscuit you ever had... Other people didn't need to know. You said 'yum' ...you moved on." Also bad in Perkins book: Facebook-based poetry. “If you’re a grown ass man and you don’t write poems... Don't start... That ship sailed... You're just not a poem dude. It's like gymnastics, you gotta start young.” —MARTIN CIZMAR

THAT MOMENT WHEN... You’ll never be able to read Steinbeck the same, because the whip-smart Ben Roy, during Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction, has just turned Of Mice and Men into a thoroughly raunchy tale. Curley’s wife, for example, has “uterine sap specked with motor oil, dog hair and hay.” You also gain a greater understanding for the undying popularity of overalls, which Roy describes as a “denim chastity belt” and a “dungaree sex coffin.” —REBECCA JACOBSON

THAT MOMENT WHEN... Kurt Braunohler, opening up his Kurt Tub variety show, relays some amazing evidence of his ongoing efforts to inject absurdity into the world, including his recent exploit that found him successfully raising money on Kickstarter to hire a skywriter to put a joke in the air over Los Angeles: “How do I land?” —ROBERT HAM

THAT MOMENT WHEN... Phoebe Robinson analyzed the Brett Favre-style cock shot phone photo at the Hollywood Theatre’s Picture This! show, emphasizing that they are not a haphazard sign of being horny but an artistic form of affection to be flaunted for all the world to see. No one apparently gets them right the first time either. “We don’t know what to do with a dick pic once it arrives on our phones,” said Robinson. “Should I call my girlfriend to brag about this? Should I make it a screensaver on my computer? Should I Instagram it so it looks vintage? I just don’t know.” —BRANDON WIDDER

THAT MOMENT WHEN... David Huntsberger took to the Eagles Lounge stage sputtering random nonsense for nearly two minutes. Once he described that whenever you witness a mentally unstable fellow doing the same thing, you half expect it to be some sort of street poetry—alas, it never is. Huntsberger’s rather unorthodox approach to his comedy—mixing in elements of science, physics and the everyday mundane—and his overall humble demeanor both make him very likeable. He seems like a dude that would sit at the bar and chat up fans and strangers alike while enjoying one of the comic’s now-synonymous “cool beers.” —MICHAEL LOPEZ

THAT MOMENT WHEN... During Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction, Eliza Skinner perfectly captured Wes Andersen’s sensibility by imagining a dinner party at his house that included Tilda Swinton with a birdcage filled with kettle corn and Jason Schwartzman in a dollhouse. At one point in Skinner’s story, Wes “grabbed a marionette off the pile of marionettes.” Gold. —REBECCA JACOBSON

THAT MOMENT WHEN... It becomes clear that the Lord of the Rings trilogy is now comedic shorthand for “really long thing.” Perkins used it just like WW writer Brandon Widder. —MARTIN CIZMAR

THAT MOMENT WHEN... Speaking of Brandon Widder. About 10 pm Saturday, his editor realized he owes the kid a beer. Overhearing conversations about Widder’s excellent piece about open mic nights, which seem to have been commonplace this weekend, it’s clear not everyone thought the piece was excellent. Widder’s editor now feels bad. Not for assigning the piece, and not even for encouraging him to stack the deck at Helium which turns out to be some crazy taboo in the local comedy world, but for sending Brandon to spend the weekend covering this festival after writing it. Drink up, buddy. —MARTIN CIZMAR.

THAT MOMENT WHEN... Todd Glass dismantled a heckler who decided to test the seasoned comedy vet by giving him words of encouragement during a headlining set. Glass is infamous for shredding dipshit hecklers. Did you think that you were going to catch Glass on an off-night, random audience member? Did you suspect he was going to ask you to come on stage and revel in your insights? For the rest of us it was fun to see first-hand, what it’s like to see Todd Glass undress someone. —MICHAEL LOPEZ

THAT MOMENT WHEN... Everyone at the Bagdad Theater realizes no one else is coming. They held the show for a half hour, but with only about a fifth of the seats full, the nights first performer Kevin McCaffrey had a great line about the mostly empty room. “Did you guys have trouble getting tickets tonight? ... I was just hoping there'd be one guy up in the balcony: ‘Really, Ticketmaster, this was the best available? There’s a pole in front of me!’” —MARTIN CIZMAR.

THAT MOMENT WHEN... You gain a newfound appreciation for the Fox censors, because The Simpsons panel has just recounted all the accidental improvements they’ve brought about. “Bonestra,” for example, was rejected as the name for a Viagra-like drug, but the censors accepted “Jam It In.” Rather than a sign reading “Sprawl-Mart: A Parody of Wal-Mart,” the censors required the show change it to “Sprawl-Mart: Not a Parody of Wal-Mart.” —REBECCA JACOBSON.

THAT MOMENT WHEN... Jim Hamilton killed with a deadpan delivery of the popular children’s “diarrhea” rhyme at Friday’s opening Eagles Lounge show. As Hamilton told it, if you choose to slide into first base “you deserve diarrhea”—hitting on one of baseball’s unwritten rules. Sure, only a handful of those in the audience fully understood his reference, but Hamilton still delivered a sledgehammer of a set, leaving the room decimated as he slowly sauntered off stage. —MICHAEL LOPEZ

THAT MOMENT WHEN... L.A. comedian Moshe Kasher conducted a brief ethnic survey of his audience at the Hollywood Theatre Saturday night as part of Picture This! show. Whether impromptu or premeditated, audience members cackled in affirmation, knowing this is not the first time, nor the last, they’re likely to hear about the city’s predominantly white demographic makeup. “I take it there are black people in Portland,” Kasher began after his accompanying artist drew a black penis behind Kasher. “If there are, please make yourself known.” “You got one,” proudly shouted a gentleman toward the back. “Are you from Portland?” Kasher questioned. “No.” —BRANDON WIDDER

THAT MOMENT WHEN... One of two British comedy legends on the Kurt Tub bill, Robert Popper introduced the Bagdad to Robin Cooper, the alter ego he uses to do absurd prank phone calls to some of Sky Network’s more surreal call-in talk shows. He takes on Cooper’s squeaky, effeminate voice to do a live prank call of the Governor Hotel, calling to try and book a room for Prince. The only trouble for us is that he insists that we stay completely silent while he does it. Which is especially hard when he asks if the Governor’s staff would be willing to wear veils so as not to engage Prince in eye contact of any kind. —ROBERT HAM.

THAT MOMENT WHEN... Kurt Braunohler introduces Popper’s partner Peter Serafinowicz to the stage. They hug awkwardly. It turns into a kiss. Then a rather creepy and enthusiastic makeout session. Once would have been plenty but as Serafinowicz is leaving the stage after doing a laundry list of spot-on impressions and Beatles parody tunes, they start making out again. Braunohler is delighted: “He tried to stick his tongue in my mouth!” —ROBERT HAM

THAT MOMENT WHEN... You realize the comedians’ jokes skewering Portland are starting to get old, maybe just a little bit (Moshe Kasher: “Cankles, or as they’re called in Portland, ankles”), but you still laugh at the wonderful Emily Heller’s breakdown of American cities during the Kurt Tub show. “New York is where you go to feel bad about your clothes,” she began. “LA is where you go to feel bad about your body. And Portland is where you go to feel bad about composting.” —REBECCA JACOBSON

THAT MOMENT WHEN... LA-based comedian Mike “Brido” Bridenstine spit a mouthful of water over the front row of the @dadboner crowd, in a tribute to Triple H (Bridenstine is a big fan of professional wrestling, as is @dadboner himself). Bridenstine’s workmanlike comedy stylings still managed to stand out in a very impressive bill. Whether it was him riffing on the Karate Kid soundtrack or his brilliant bit about a bullfight he witnessed in South America, Bridenstine’s command of the stage throughout his Mt. Tabor Theater primetime slot was as impressive as it was entertaining. —MICHAEL LOPEZ

THAT MOMENT WHEN... You hear Bob Seger’s “Hollywood Nights” being played over the Mt. Tabor soundsystem, setting the mood for the @dadboner celebration and you wonder, “Why have I denied myself the raw pleasure of this song for nigh on 38 years?” —ROBERT HAM

THAT MOMENT WHEN... You actually see a young woman looking at you, annoyed because you cannot control the volume of your laughter as Mike Burns, Mike Bridenstine, Matt Braunger and Ian Karmel do a live reading of @dadboner’s script for Road House 2012: Pain Still Don’t Hurt. I think it was somewhere around the description of the ‘chos that Captain Karl and Guy Cooler were eating and this stage direction when I pushed my laughter into the red: “(They do a badass handshake from the streets. Some babes see it and give a carnal stare.)” —ROBERT HAM

THAT MOMENT WHEN... Joe Sib bombs on a stage way, way too big for him. The sweet-spoken punk rock lifer is best known for playing in Wax and owning Side One Dummy records but also had some success with his one man show, California Calling: A Story of Growing Up Punk Rock. Of course a punk rock lifer talking about punk rock in front of other punk rock lifers tends to have an easier time than a green comedian in front of a neutral audience. Sib flopped in front of a sparse Bagdad crowd, not getting expected laughs from a namecheck of Pauly Shore’s Biodome or flogging the importance of “PMA: positive mental attitude.” The closest thing to a laugh? He wanted to name his dog “Fuck Yeah!” Woof. Because the crowd was so small, and because the set was so bad, it was easy to see the roadie who came out to alert Sib his time was up by flashlight. Sib gave him a thumb’s up then kept talking, hoping to end on a big laugh that just wouldn’t come. —MARTIN CIZMAR.

THAT MOMENT WHEN... You regret being stuck outside the Bagdad Theater getting the lowdown on a young woman’s travails in Japan while Gallagher is apparently inside and onstage, taking one more step forward in his slow mental collapse. A representative quote relayed by my friend watching the horror: “I had a house until I had a heart attack, then I didn't want to have a house anymore. Houses are for people with a future." Yikes. —ROBERT HAM