Haute-N-Ready: Pumpkinsanity

Pumpkin pie is that seasonal pie that comes but once a year. I’ve oft likened this creamy dessert to egg nog: Always excited when it comes around, and tired of it after the all-too-predictable binge when it arrives. DQ set out to recreate this in Blizzard form. It has the sweet, creamy, pumpkin-y flavor of its inspiration, with some sort of crumbly material designed to taste like crust, and the harsh brain freeze of DQ’s signature ice milk. A small will run you $3.29 for 580 calories, 69 (nice!) grams of sugar and a headache that will last a half an hour.

Burgerville: Pumpkin Shake 

Thick is the only way to describe this. Slurping this up through a straw may be one of the less effective means of imbibing it. Rich and creamy, this is a true milkshake. The pumpkin flavoring is pleasant, yet not overpowering. True to its Portland Metro Area origins, Burgerville is sure to let you know that this milkshake is flavored only with locally sourced pumpkins.

Einstein Bros Bagels: Frozen Pumpkin Latte 

Some chains offer a pumpkin drink or dessert this time of year, but some choose to do more and we encourage that, okay? Einstein Bros goes beyond the bare minimum and offers the opportunity of a complete pumpkin meal: a pumpkin walnut crunch bagel with pumpkin schmear with a pumpkin latte. The latté part is key. Pumpkin is a great complementary flavor for the bitter, roastiness of coffee. And this frozen pumpkin latte keeps it that way. Sweet, yet not saccharine. Chilled, yet not brain freeze-inducing. This is a solid cold pumpkin dessert beverage. (Note: The server informed me I was one of the last they served before running out of their supply of pumpkin, so this may not be available at your nearby Einstein Bros.)

Starbucks: Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino 

And here we are at the cold mutant of the popular PSL. I’ve not had a PSL. Friends who enjoy a PSL from time to time say that it is superior to the PSF. Lord knows it would be hard to be any worse. That nice roasty taste of coffee in the aforementioned frozen pumpkin latte is absent here. The strongest flavor is the sickening taste of what I assume to be the pumpkin spice syrup. I’ve had two from separate locations and received the same disappointing product. It doesn’t taste particularly like pumpkin. It mostly just tastes bad. I’ll leave the description of the flavor to sadists with more developed palates.

So ends this round-up of the frozen drinks and desserts. The first three accomplish what they were going for, the last fails miserably. I just wouldn’t recommend consuming them all over the span of an hour unless headaches and nausea are your thing.