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Welcome to Haute-N-Ready, in which John Locanthi, Willamette Weekâs trencherman of leisure, tastes the hastily made, modestly priced food of the common man.
It is simply a meal that brings family and friends together to eat a large, unremarkable bird
delicious beef roast for
Oh, and we also watch the Detroit Lions try to football for some reason.
here are a few universal components: a turkey, some starchy sides, gravy, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie.
These many dishes and courses for one meal can make for a tricky balancing act in the kitchen. Not everyone has the skill or experience to pull off such a feat, and so I, your humble narrator, set out to assemble the perfect Thanksgiving meal from nearby fast food chains.
This is not an attempt to recreate the aesthetic of a Thanksgiving meal like those crazed souls at Buzzfeed. Iâve put together a tasty meal. Crafting a turkey breast out of McNuggets is a cry for help if eâer there was one.
Turkey is no stranger to the fast food world. It was the meat in Jared âThe Subway Guyâ Fogleâs sandwich of choice, and it has been popping up frequently as a beef burger patty substitute on âhealthyâ menus at fast food joints for much of the millennium, but I wanted something more. Del Taco is kind enough to take fine turkey breastsâand other assorted bitsâand ground them into perhaps the meatâs most delicious form: tacos. The new KFC Loaded Potato Bowl and Burgervilleâs seasonal sweet potato fries are the side, Dairy Queenâs Pumpkin Pie Blizzard assumes the role of pumpkin pie, and for old timeâs, canned cranberry juice. It wouldnât be Thanksgiving without jellied, cranberry-flavored goop.
This is not an attempt to recreate the aesthetic of a Thanksgiving meal like those crazed souls at Buzzfeed. Iâve put together a tasty meal. Crafting a turkey breast out of McNuggets is a cry for help if eâer there was one.
Turkey is no stranger to the fast food world. It was the meat in Jared âThe Subway Guyâ Fogleâs sandwich of choice, and it has been popping up frequently as a beef burger patty substitute on âhealthyâ menus at fast food joints for much of the millennium, but I wanted something more. Del Taco is kind enough to take fine turkey breastsâand other assorted bitsâand ground them into perhaps the meatâs most delicious form: tacos. The new KFC Loaded Potato Bowl and Burgervilleâs seasonal sweet potato fries are the side, Dairy Queenâs Pumpkin Pie Blizzard assumes the role of pumpkin pie, and for old timeâs, canned cranberry juice. It wouldnât be Thanksgiving without jellied, cranberry-flavored goop.
The meal:
Del Taco Turkey Tacos, 150 calories per, $1.29
More expensive than this American-Mexican fusion fast food chainâs standard taco, the turkey taco promises less fat than itâs bovine-sourced cousins. Luckily for us, it also minimizes the flavor of turkey. The spice mix in the meat leaves a slightly lighter brown mush in an otherwise standard fast food taco. The pico de gallo on top pushes this above both of Del Tacoâs competitors at the bottom of the barrel, Taco Bell and Jack in the Box. The house Del Inferno sauce adds a nice little burn to this crunchy bite.
KFC Loaded Potato Bowl, $3.99
As longtime readers of the column no, Iâm a sucker for any menu item with the word âloadedâ in its name. Itâs a word, simultaneously grotesque and enticing, at the heart of modern fast food. Mashed potatoesâ role as a key part of any Thanksgiving meal sealed the deal for this limited time offer from the Colonel. Cheese and another unidentified white creamy substance rest atop a bed of mashed potatoes, the Colonelâs boneless chicken, green onions and good, old-fashioned corn. This dish tastes far better than it has any right, too. You get the creaminess of the sauce with just enough other flavors to distract you from its actual quality. (Note: the KFC website does not list the nutritional information for this but its nearest equivalent, the KFC Famous Bowl, contains 650 calories.)
Burgerville Sweet Potato Fries, 530 calories, $3.45
Sweet potatoesâor yams as so many Americans mistakenly call this sweet, orange rootâare a fall staple. They also happen to be somewhat healthier than your standard tater. In a move shocking exactly no one, Burgerville is one of the chains at the forefront of the sweet potato fries movement. They look a little different. They smell a little different. They even taste a little different, but that doesnât really matter as fries are little more than a means to consume condiments. The smoky chipotle-mayo dipping sauce you can purchase for an additional 40 cents is a winner.
Dairy Queen Pumpkin Pie Blizzard, 770 calories, $3.39
You might remember this item from the Pumpkinsanity! column not too long ago. (Consuming four sugary, pumpkin-y desserts in under an hour was the most foolish decision up until this Thanksgiving meal.) In short, the pumpkin flavoring and the flaky crust-like bits floating around in it make for a surprisingly solid, albeit frozen, pumpkin pie replacement.
Ocean Spray Jellied Cranberry Sauce, 705 calories, $2.19
This sweet, tart, soft jelly that never fails to maintain the shape of its tin container after you slide it onto a serving platter really ties the meal together, does it not? While not technically fast food, its genesis lies in the same place: when man first decided s/he wanted to purchase something that was immediately ready to consume. No preparation required, no necessary heating or cooling, all you need for this cranberry âsauceâ is a can opener (or a sharp knife if need be). The aforementioned tricky job of preparing the bird and many sides of a full Thanksgiving meal also helps to keep this ready-made cranberry side popular.
And there you have it: A full, fast food Thanksgiving meal fit to plop down on a TV tray as your family gathers round the TV to watch the less-hapless-than-usual Detroit Lions play the more-hapless-than-usual Chicago Bears in true Thanksgiving tradition.
Del Taco Turkey Tacos, 150 calories per, $1.29
More expensive than this American-Mexican fusion fast food chainâs standard taco, the turkey taco promises less fat than itâs bovine-sourced cousins. Luckily for us, it also minimizes the flavor of turkey. The spice mix in the meat leaves a slightly lighter brown mush in an otherwise standard fast food taco. The pico de gallo on top pushes this above both of Del Tacoâs competitors at the bottom of the barrel, Taco Bell and Jack in the Box. The house Del Inferno sauce adds a nice little burn to this crunchy bite.
A traditional Thanksgiving taco that's been knocked up a notch with some Del Scorcho sauce
KFC Loaded Potato Bowl, $3.99
As longtime readers of the column no, Iâm a sucker for any menu item with the word âloadedâ in its name. Itâs a word, simultaneously grotesque and enticing, at the heart of modern fast food. Mashed potatoesâ role as a key part of any Thanksgiving meal sealed the deal for this limited time offer from the Colonel. Cheese and another unidentified white creamy substance rest atop a bed of mashed potatoes, the Colonelâs boneless chicken, green onions and good, old-fashioned corn. This dish tastes far better than it has any right, too. You get the creaminess of the sauce with just enough other flavors to distract you from its actual quality. (Note: the KFC website does not list the nutritional information for this but its nearest equivalent, the KFC Famous Bowl, contains 650 calories.)
Burgerville Sweet Potato Fries, 530 calories, $3.45
Sweet potatoesâor yams as so many Americans mistakenly call this sweet, orange rootâare a fall staple. They also happen to be somewhat healthier than your standard tater. In a move shocking exactly no one, Burgerville is one of the chains at the forefront of the sweet potato fries movement. They look a little different. They smell a little different. They even taste a little different, but that doesnât really matter as fries are little more than a means to consume condiments. The smoky chipotle-mayo dipping sauce you can purchase for an additional 40 cents is a winner.
Dairy Queen Pumpkin Pie Blizzard, 770 calories, $3.39
You might remember this item from the Pumpkinsanity! column not too long ago. (Consuming four sugary, pumpkin-y desserts in under an hour was the most foolish decision up until this Thanksgiving meal.) In short, the pumpkin flavoring and the flaky crust-like bits floating around in it make for a surprisingly solid, albeit frozen, pumpkin pie replacement.
Ocean Spray Jellied Cranberry Sauce, 705 calories, $2.19
This sweet, tart, soft jelly that never fails to maintain the shape of its tin container after you slide it onto a serving platter really ties the meal together, does it not? While not technically fast food, its genesis lies in the same place: when man first decided s/he wanted to purchase something that was immediately ready to consume. No preparation required, no necessary heating or cooling, all you need for this cranberry âsauceâ is a can opener (or a sharp knife if need be). The aforementioned tricky job of preparing the bird and many sides of a full Thanksgiving meal also helps to keep this ready-made cranberry side popular.
And there you have it: A full, fast food Thanksgiving meal fit to plop down on a TV tray as your family gathers round the TV to watch the less-hapless-than-usual Detroit Lions play the more-hapless-than-usual Chicago Bears in true Thanksgiving tradition.
Some of you may question the wisdom of consuming over 3,000 calories in under an hour as I did with this meal, but rest assured the nausea and heartburn should help extricate you from bad football and awkward political conversations with the in-laws.
Something for which we can all be thankful.
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
WWeek 2015