WWeed Grow-Off Week 9

On July 1, recreational weed became legal in Oregon. One of the things that means is that everyone can now legally grow up to four marijuana plants. Here at Willamette Week, we were so excited that we decided to have an old-fashioned office grow-off. All of our plants started the same size and they are all the P-91 strain, but each department elected to grow its plants in different ways.

See previous installments of our weed growing journey here. 

Is Bootsy flowering? Do roofers count as construction workers? How much mileage can I get out of anthropomorphizing weed plants?

Flowering has spread across our Willamette Week weed plants like puberty in a seventh-grade locker room. Here is how each plant has handled these changes so far!

Candis

A tragic watershed moment in any woman’s life, Candis received her first cat call from a construction workers. As I was out taking this picture, a roofer working on an adjacent roof said, “She almost ready!?” “No.” I said, glowering. Of course, Candis is “almost ready.” But that’s none of that roofer’s damn business. He wouldn’t have a chance with Candis, anyway. 

Liz 

The grow tent erected in the Events office can barely contain Liz, the hyper-reproductive monster plant. Liz's steroidal sexuality can be compared to the 1980s era of porn in which every sexual feature on a performer was artificially enhanced to comic proportions. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Pam Anderson and Liz were all minted in series. 

Bootsy

A heated debate raged on in the office this week about what exactly constitutes “pre-flowering.” Matthew from Events said, “I heard Bootsy upstairs is pre-flowering.” Quick reply came from a Rich in the sales department, who retorted, “I’m not sure if that is a pre-flower. I don’t think it is, but it might be.” While fisticuffs were (narrowly) avoided, the issue was never resolved. What do you think, dear reader? Let’s let this debate of our times play out in the comments section. 

Oscar

As pointed out last week, Oscar had a bit of a head start on the rest of the plants in the sexuality department. With his relative level of experience in the area, he fancies himself a sort of sage in the sex department offering unsolicited advice on how Reggie can pick up chicks, or what way Addi should wear her leaves. It's obnoxious, sure, but at least he's found an identity for himself, which is more than can be said for most people his age. 

Addi

In the last week, Addi has actually outgrown Liz in terms of dimensions, if not weight. Across her broad canopy, bursts of dense, fresh foliage can be seen which are said to be the first indicators of pre-flowering. Big, intimidating, beautiful: some people get all the advantages in life. 

Reggie

After my relentless shit-talking, the news team has picked up the slack somewhat with Reggie's care. Intern Claire picked the most aphid-bit leaves and has put a little more care into the watering schedule. However, some scars run deep, and Reggie is as of now totally asexual. The more studies that come out on the impact of adverse childhood experiences for adults later in life, the more it seems that Reggie may never have the opportunity to find a healthy relationship with sexuality. 

WWeek 2015