PDX Inked

Fellow citizens, it has come to this: Portland needs a restraining order against the national media. We are being stalked. The New York Times is giving us that look again. It makes us feel...funny.

Back in 1925, the legendary journalist H.L. Mencken wrote that “Oregon is seldom heard of.” (Then again, he was from Baltimore—now seldom heard of except by fans of The Wire.) Well, lookee now, Writer Boy! In the past few years, and especially the past few months, you’d need a self-imposed media blackout to avoid hearing about how rad Portland is.

You’ve got Stephen Colbert calling us “hippies” and “communists.” You’ve got Gourmet doing Portland-y stuff in its two most recent issues. Portland is such an obligatory pick for those endless “25 Best Cities to Live in NOW!” lists that magazine editors must fear they’ll lose their jobs if they fail to name-check us. It’s like New York’s Gray Lady relocated here.

Using the powerful search engine LexisNexis, WW found 2,458 stories mentioning Portland in connection with the search term “beer” in the past year—and “gay” and “sustainable” weren’t far behind. (See the rest of our search results.)

For local media nerds, the national love is all very entertaining. (If nothing else, it provides a break from our homegrown sensations: the ConAgra Pot Pie Recall Crisis, the Interstate/César Chávez Crisis, the Snowflake the Deer Crisis, TV news’ daily A Methhead Ate My Baby Crisis.)

But, seriously, what’s up? Why is Portland—Lord strike us down for saying it—“hot”? (For one partial explanation, click here).

Portland is, in fact, a beautiful city full of interesting people doing noteworthy things. But since when did truth have anything to do with media herd behavior? We suspect that the current fixation on our demure little city has more to do with reverse provincialism. For the most part, the national media are sequestered in one city obsessed with work (New York) and another obsessed with appearances (Los Angeles). Both are obsessed with money. From those vantages, Portland’s relative relaxation seems exotic. And civilized life west of the Hudson and north of San Francisco? Always fascinating.

In any case, we’ll know our own provincialism is finally dead when we stop caring what other people think of us. (Like that will ever happen; we still freak out when Jennifer Aniston is in town. Funny and pathetic, when you think about it.) In the meantime, we thought we’d survey a little of what’s been written about Portland lately, just to see what fresh perspective or hilarious misinterpretations are out there.

We’ll break down six of the meatier items and score them on how well they nailed this whole “Portland thing,” according to our own special 1-to-10 scale. Think of a “10 " as almost on par with All the President’s Men , while a “1 " would be closer to Juiced, by Jose Canseco. OK? Let’s begin.

“Style Map: Portland,” by Armand Limnander

The New York Times Style Magazine (that’s the Times’ glossy magazine about stuff no one can afford), Oct. 6, 2007

WHAT: A breezy, photo-heavy tour of hipster-chic boutiques and hangouts, like Stand Up Comedy, Canoe and Doug Fir.

WHO’S PSYCHED: The owners of approximately eight local businesses.

COULD IRRITATE: People who think Portland is getting too “cool,” whatever that means; local business owners not featured.

BASE SCORE: Not bad. Fluffy, but hardly intended as trenchant social criticism. Highlights snappy entrepreneurs. Call it a solid +7.

1) LOCALS-ONLY “WTF?!?” PENALTY: While it’s great that Limnander extends his stroll over to the east side, it’s both strange and alarming that he annexes organic lower East Burnside to the bioengineered Pearl. (A) Isn’t “LoBu” a fruity-enough fake neighborhood name for any upscale consumption-porn mag? (B) What could freak out Portlanders more than the idea that the Pearl, like some heavy-handed ‘50s B-movie conceit, is...spreading? -1

2) JUST-FEELS-ODD PENALTY: Live music? In the Pearl? Aside from the venerable jazz club Jimmy Mak’s and that guy in the Mickey Mouse hat who plays the trumpet outside Powell’s, we are bemused. Perhaps Brother Armand refers to Old Town and, again, to East Burnside, neither of which (not to be pedantic or anything) ARE IN THE BLOODY PEARL DISTRICT. -1

3) OVER-EXTRAPOLATION-BASED CLICHÉ PENALTY: No complaints about “bicycle-friendly eco-culture.” (Anything that annoys the Cascade Policy Institute sort of delights us.) But listen—that naked bike thing happens maybe, what, once a year? Such exaggeration of real-but-rare local quirk leaves visitors disappointed when the One-Armed Man from Twin Peaks doesn’t greet them at the airport and microbrewed ale fails to gush from public fountains. -1

SPECIAL AWESOMENESS BONUS: Armand Limnander. Armand Limnander! Simply saying it aloud makes us feel like we just ate something filthy and decadent, like those blind baby birds drowned in Armagnac that make even the French blush with shame. If there isn’t a cocktail named the Armand Limnander, someone should get on that. +1

FINAL SCORE: 5/10.

“Portland, schmortland—we still say Seattle rocks” by Tom Scanlon

Seattle Times, Sept. 21, 2007

WHAT: Prompted by a Slate.com article by former WW staff writer Taylor Clark about the frightening number of indie-rock stars in Portland, a Seattle writer defends his city.

WHO’S PSYCHED: People who take anything nice said about another city as an implicit criticism of their own.

COULD IRRITATE: Anyone who objects to the use of “schmortland” in a headline, or in the English language, ever.

BASE SCORE: Let’s say it rates a +4 for passion.

1) JUST A NOTE: We won’t be discussing the Slate article for the usual dull conflict-of-interest reasons, even though it’s a valid example of the recent PDX media mania. Plus, Taylor Clark has a violent temper, and the dude is frickin’ HUGE.

2) CRITICAL OMISSION PENALTY: Tom, man, you left out “snippy and defensive.” -1

3) TRUE ‘DAT BONUS: You know, he’s got a point. Seattle, for instance, is home to the Center for Wooden Boats! +1

4) THAT DOES SOUND INSANELY AWESOME PENALTY: And that would be sarcasm. -1

FINAL SCORE: 3/10

“In Portland, a Golden Age of Dining and Drinking,” by Eric Asimov

The New York Times (you were expecting the Topeka Capital-Journal?), Sept. 26, 2007

WHAT: A tawny paean to all the great restaurants and all the snazz food in Portland.

WHO’S PSYCHED: Chefs, restaurant owners and financiers; foodie bloggers who needed something to do that day.

COULD IRRITATE: Applebee’s loyalists.

BASE SCORE: You can nitpick something like this to death (in fact, we’re going to do just that in about five seconds), but basically this is a good national take on the fact that, yes, food here rocks. Plus, rereading it inspired us to drink a bunch of pinot noir, and now we’re feeling generous. +9

1) ORIENTATION CLICHÉ PENALTY: Why do we always have to be “at the confluence of the Willamette and Columbia”? Why can it never be “hunkered in the dark shadow of sinister Mount Hood, abode of the ice dragons” or “perched at the edge of that vast unknown chasm, the dread Pacific”? Just asking. -1

2) DID YOU BOTHER ASKING AROUND? PENALTY: “About the hardest thing to find in Portland these days is a homegrown chef.” Unless you step out the front door of Le Pigeon, which Asimov praises at length, throw a fresh chanterelle and hit Leather Storrs (Portlander!) at his restaurant Rocket, a few blocks away (and later written up, coincidentally, by one Armand Limnander). Or consult with Cory Schreiber (Portlander!), whose pioneering Wildwood may have deserved a mention. Or watch Caprial Pence (Portlander!) on her nationally televised cooking show. -1

3) MISPLACED CONDESCENSION PENALTY: Fifteen years ago, you say? So, like ‘91-’92? That’s about when Gus Van Sant shot My Own Private Idaho. Portland’s own Crackerbash, just one of many bands in our fizzy underground music scene, put out a cult-favorite 7-inch as part of Sub Pop’s legendary Singles Series. Craft brewing and first-class Oregon wine were already old news.

And New York City? NYC lost 300,000 jobs in that era, saw huge race riots in Crown Heights and was on the verge of giving America the gift of Rudy Giuliani. All so cutting edge! -1

4) YOUR-EDITOR-NEEDS-TO-SEE-YOU PENALTY: As you may have heard, Asimov was a very, very naughty boy—he failed to disclose his personal friendship with the owners of one of those “exploding” restaurants he praised (Paley’s Place). Not a capital offense, but now the article has to live forever online with one of those groveling “editor’s notes.” -1

FINAL SCORE: 5/10

“American Eden,” by Tom Austin

Travel & Leisure Magazine, August 2007

WHAT: An exploration of “alternative” Portland.

WHO’S PSYCHED: The “Keep Portland Weird” constituency...even though the article actually criticizes the whole “Keep Portland Weird” thing.

COULD IRRITATE: Holier-than-thou punx, crusty oldsters, Dandy Warhol foes.

BASE SCORE: Not bad—flattering, etc. The problem is that it could have been assembled by a local boho-culture politburo. It starts with Thomas Lauderdale, hits the Suicide Girls and Zoobombers along the way, communes with the Dandy Warhols and finishes up with Chuck Palahniuk. Zzz. It’s like a checklist of usual suspects. Hell, we pull that off just about every week, with no expense account. He did forget Storm Large, though. +6

1) GILDING THE LILY PENALTY: A “peculiar” utopia? As opposed to all those dead-normal utopias out there? -1

2) AID AND COMFORT TO THE HIPPIES PENALTY: Again, they need no encouragement ’round here. -1

3) BOTHERING THE BOTHERERS BONUS: This piece will infuriate the Portland skeptics—those miserable player-hating blighters who always have something nasty to say about the prevailing local political, social, aesthetic and cultural ethos. We can hear them screaming into the Internet now, and the sound is pleasing. +1

4) FLAGRANT USE OF THE WORD “GRUNGE” IN A STORY ABOUT THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST PENALTY: Yeah. Them’s the rules. -1

5) PETTY REGIONAL RIVALRY BONUS: Of course, we dream of the day when Seattle and Portland will unite to lead the Cascadian Empire. But until then, we can’t help it. +1

FINAL SCORE: 5/10

“This Is Not a Bob Dylan Movie,” by Robert Sullivan

The New York Times Sunday Magazine, Oct. 7, 2007

WHAT: A rangy, ruminative and slightly awestruck profile of director (and part-time Portlander) Todd Haynes and his weird new Bob Dylan biopic, by journalist (and sometime Portlander) Robert Sullivan.

WHO’S PSYCHED: Cinephiles, some Dylan fans.

COULD IRRITATE: The Portland Business Alliance, some Dylan fans.

BASE SCORE: We admit it. We were suckers for this one—a thoughtful portrait of artistic struggle with a hearty dose of Rose City boosterism on the side. Based on Portland content alone, this longish article starts at a boffo +9.

1) DEMOGRAPHIC-SPECIFIC FLATTERY BONUS: Behold the kind of characterization that drives Portland’s more straitlaced citizens nuts, in that it implies that we whittle our own furniture and are too busy gathering thrice-used rainwater for our monthly baths to hold steady jobs. Doesn’t bother us, however: We’re deeply into knitting, composting and all that shite. +1

2) BERLIN INN BONUS: For mentioning this ultra-rad, mildly weird, pretty obscure German restaurant, this article receives +1.

3) FILTHY HIPPIE PENALTY: OK, that’s enough crunchy. -1

4) WE KNOW, WE KNOW, WE KNOW! PENALTY: Memo to the editors of The New York Times: We know Portland is much cheaper than New York, a fact alluded to in this piece and Asimov’s piece and a recent James Traub essay we’re not even dealing with here. A night out with Sweden’s three most exclusive adult escorts would be cheap compared with New York. Please consider that we also make much less money than y’all and never get written about on Gawker. If a bargain ye seek, check out Detroit. Cheaper than dirt, last we heard—gotta be a story in there somewhere! -1

EXTRA COPY-EDITING PENALTY: Later in the story, the club Holocene gets misspelled “Holecene.” Wrong, and vaguely dirty. -1

FINAL SCORE: 8/10.

“Portland, Portland, Portland,” by Eli Sanders

The Stranger’s “Slog” blog, Oct. 17, 2007

WHAT: A Stranger writer reports from his vacation in New York, where tout le monde was talking up Portland.

WHO’S PSYCHED: People who care what New Yorkers think, which for some reason seems to include us.

COULD IRRITATE: Seattle.

BASE SCORE: Actually, we’re not going to score this one. The humble-but-useful blog post, off-the-cuff by design, doesn’t really lend itself to nitpicky analysis the way a full-blown article does. But it’s always interesting to see what the Seattle weekly has to say about Portland—after all, The Stranger likes our town so much it started its own newspaper here, our spunky kid bro The Mercury.

1) No disrespect to this particular post, but journalists blogging about their vacations (“I went to CITY/COUNTRY X and, betwixt margaritas, learned something applicable to CITY/COUNTRY Y”) is the 21st-century equivalent of quoting a cab driver in a story about a foreign land—a cheap ‘n’ easy way to squeeze out copy without actually having to work. Not that we’ve ever done that sort of thing.

2) Let’s have a NoLita vs. LoBu rumble! It’s on, muthafuckaz!

3) Even the gays—New York City gays!—are into us. Relax, gang, we’ve made it.

4) You know the great thing about this, and the Portland media phenom as a whole? It makes people in Seattle absolutely psychotic. Last time we looked, there were 44 comments on Sanders’ post: a catalog of whiny dyspepsia and poorly sublimated Napoleon complexes assembled by people both sad and bloated with rage. Check it out at slog.thestranger.com when you need a giggle.

The PDX-haters and PDX-boosters both just need to face a sexist-but-apt high school-based metaphor: While Seattle is the once-popular girl who has “made the rounds,” so to speak, Portland is the foreign-exchange student with the hot accent who nobody knows a thing about. Give it a semester. No one will like either of us anymore, and we’ll be back where we started, drinking in the corner, alone but together. You want an Armand Limnander? We’re buying.