The Navy SEAL Who Was a Secret Porn Star Has Done More For the U.S. Than the Commander-In-Chief

For years, people knew that Joseph John Schmidt III was a decorated Navy SEAL. But almost no one would've suspected that, while serving in the Navy, Schmidt was moonlighting as a pornographic actor.

By day, Schmidt is an honored SEAL who's served this county for over twenty-three years. But by night (and probably occasionally during day due to conflicting shoot schedules and a shoestring budget that makes renting a lighting kit nearly impossible), he strips down to his birthday suit and becomes Jay Voom, a porn actor who stars in adult films alongside professional porn actress (and his real-life wife of over fifteen years) Jewels Jade. The couple has worked together on more than 30 features, and their filmography includes such memorable classics as Apple Smashing Lap Dance and Strippers Come Home Horny from the Club.

Some feel that a Naval officer participating in smut is disrespectful to the U.S. military, but I'm honestly more upset about the titles of their films.

Apple Smashing Lap Dance sounds like an irreparable accident waiting to happen, and Strippers Come Home Horny from the Club is an unimaginative mouthful (which is ironic considering that Unimaginative Mouthful is what Jewels Jade nicknamed her husband's penis). That's like if Forrest Gump had instead been titled Millionaire Sits on a Bench for a While, or if the hit television series Law & Order was called In the Criminal Justice System, the People are Represented by Two Separate Yet Equally Important Bla Bla Bla – Anyways, You're About to Watch a Jogger Discover a Corpse: DUN DUN.

It's a shame, because there were so many military-themed porno-puns at Voom and Jade's disposal. They should've gone with something like Foxxx Holes, S*M*A*S*H, Tour of Booty, Combat Load, D-Day, or—assuming that one of their videos was a controversial BDSM film involving lots of heavy flogging—Pillow Party.

Regardless, The Navy is currently looking into whether or not Voom's porn appearances violated the military's rules for conduct and propriety. And though I have no problem with Voom's side hustle, I understand that rules are rules and that he may face consequences for his on-camera flings.

That being said, it seems pretty unfair to punish an honored and highly experienced Navy SEAL who's spent years defending America just because he got paid to fuck his wife (and a few of her friends) while knowingly on camera; especially when you consider that the military's commander-in-chief got a free pass despite being a pussy grabbing neophyte who stands accused of paying hookers to whiz on his face while secretly being recorded.

So I think we should let Voom off easy, because at this point, a porn star has done more good for America than our President.