How Does David Duchovny's Band Stack Up Against Other Celebrity Vanity Projects?

Of course David Duchovny has a band.

Doesn't he just look like the sort of actor who'd bust out an acoustic guitar at a Hollywood key party? And to be honest, it's not bad. It's perfectly acceptable heartland dad rock that fans of Wilco and Ryan Adams would probably be way into if it wasn't being performed by Fox Mulder.

It's far from the worst artistic crime committed by an already-famous person with delusions of rock stardom. When it comes to vanity projects, it falls somewhere in the middle. To get an idea of what to expect when Duchovny hits the Aladdin Theater this week, we've placed him in the proper context among some other recent celebrity musical ventures. Here are four that are better, and four that are much, much worse.

Macaulay Culkin
the Pizza Underground

Here's the concept: The kid from Home Alone and some dorks from the New York "anti-folk" scene play pizza-themed parodies of Velvet Underground songs ("I'm Waiting for the Delivery Man," "Cheese Days," etc.) with all the facility of fourth-graders on muscle relaxers. Either it's some sort of meta-commentary on rock idolatry or a bored rich kid's idea of a hilarious prank. Regardless, it manages to ruin two of humanity's most unfuckwithable creations—and, by proxy, the "Black or White" video, Totino's Pizza Rolls and heroin-fueled BDSM.

Corey Feldman
Truth Movement

Y'all saw that Today Show performance that went viral, right? Yeesh. Really, it's less a "performance" than a heavily processed, goth-breakdancing, wub-wubbing cry for help. Still better than the Pizza Underground, though.

Johnny Depp
Hollywood Vampires

Johnny Depp has always fancied himself a rock star, which in his interpretation means alternating through several different soul-patch variations while wearing an unnecessary number of scarves. So it makes sense that he'd team with two other aging over-accessorizers, Joe Perry and Alice Cooper, to play schlocky bar-band covers of rock-'n'-roll standards. The only question is, why isn't Dave Navarro involved?

Scarlett Johansson

Emboldened by her guest appearance with the Jesus and Mary Chain at Coachella in 2007, Scarlett Johansson recorded herself doing Nico karaoke on a set of Tom Waits covers, showing off the sort of pipes that makes one yearn for the dulcet tones of a man who sings like he's trying to pass a Tonka truckload of gallstones through his throat.

Jared Leto
Thirty Seconds to Mars

Everyone scoffed at Leto's meth-and-Mountain Dew interpretation of the Joker in Suicide Squad, but he's been successfully pulling off his yoga-pants version of Tool for almost two decades. Props for the longevity, if nothing else…and there's definitely nothing else.

Zooey Deschanel
She & Him

When it comes to staying on-brand, Zooey Deschanel is the Etsy Beyoncé. Her commitment to living that twee life can be teeth-grindingly irksome—she named her daughter Elsie Otter, for God's sake—but she knows her role, and maintains it well enough that there's basically no separation between Zooey the Indie Dreamgirl and Zooey the Indie Pop Singer. That deserves a totally adorkable, mistimed high-five by itself. Honestly, would anyone still be checking for M. Ward if not for her?

Donald Glover
Childish Gambino

Some might quibble with classifying Childish Gambino as a "vanity project," since Donald Glover's music and acting careers have mostly drawn even. But before he emerged as a Serious Auteur with Atlanta, critics dismissed his attempts at becoming a legitimate rapper as Lil Wayne cosplay. With last year's Awaken, My Love!, however, Glover took a sharp left turn, abandoning the Weezy fan worship and turning into a glorified Funkadelic tribute act. Though the homage is still a little too on-the-nose, it's a well-studied pastiche. And anyway, more artists these days should be trying to rip off George Clinton.

Ryan Gosling
Dead Man's Bones

You desperately want to hear that Ryan Gosling sucks at music, don't you? No one can be that handsome, that good at acting and have a band that isn't totally embarrassing, right? Well, sorry dudes, but Gosling's spooktacular indie-pop band—think Grizzly Bear live-scoring the Haunted Mansion ride—is better than yours. Good news, though: He'll be busy vying for an Oscar this month, so you probably don't have worry about him bumping you off the opening slot at the local VFW hall.

David Duchovny plays Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., on Friday, Feb. 17. 7:30 pm. Sold out. Under 21 permitted with legal guardian.