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The last time a cannabis teetotaler held the highest office in these United States, Michael Jordan only had two championship rings and John Wayne Bobbitt's penis remained blissfully ignorant of the horrific year to come.
In fact, our commanders in chief have a long history of marijuana use dating back to the origins of the office. Much of the historical record is spotty, but here's who we think toked, and who we're pretty sure didn't.
Probable Cannabis Users
George Washington: Many of the Founding Fathers grew hemp. Did they smoke it? We don't know for sure, but Washington did write about separating the female cannabis plants, which would have had higher THC content, and there's reason to think he might have used a hemp-derived topical on his toothaches.
Thomas Jefferson: Not only did TJ grow hemp, but he purportedly smuggled a rare strain of cannabis "known for potency" out of China.
James Monroe: Like Jefferson, Monroe served as ambassador to France during a time when hashish was chic. According to his biographers, he smoked openly in Paris and continued the habit after returning stateside.
Andrew Jackson: The Notorious AJ wrote of smoking marijuana with troops during the War of 1812.
Zachary Taylor: Taylor and Franklin Pierce both crossed paths with reefer while leading American forces during the Mexican-American War.
Franklin Pierce: Pierce later referred to marijuana as "about the only good thing to come out of the war."
John F. Kennedy: The ballerest of all presidents was smoked up by his mistress, Mary Meyer, who brought him six joints to ease his back pain. In a weird coincidence, she was randomly murdered while out for a jog just a few weeks after the Warren Commission Report dropped.
Bill Clinton: The future first gentleman says he did not inhale. Christopher Hitchens claimed Bill was a brownie aficionado at Oxford.
George W. Bush: Claims he would not answer questions about whether he smoked because of the message it sends to kids. As if any kid wants to be like Dubya.
Barack Obama: Spent a good portion of his formative years in Hawaii hotboxing, and is always welcome to smoke here with us if visiting.
Probable Teetotalers
Richard Nixon: Linked marijuana to Jews, Latinos, and African-Americans, people for whom Tricky Dick, um, shared little affection. Started the War on Drugs. Did not smoke weed on the roof of the White House with Elvis, unfortunately.
Ronald Reagan: Staunchly believed cannabis use caused brain damage. Actually had brain damage.
George H.W. Bush: Advocated a metaphorical troop surge in the War on Drugs. Responded to concerns over prison overcrowding by claiming room would be made for marijuana possessors, a promise which turned out to be as binding as "Read my lips: No new taxes."
Willamette Week