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Some people don’t believe me, but I recall a year when Portland bottled its Bull Run water. The bottles were given out for free at some event. Do you know when and why they did this? —Martin J.
Let us journey through the mists of history to a time of primitive hunter-gatherers, when a wild, half-human creature known as Frank Ivancie roamed the earth.
Ivancie was mayor of Portland from 1981 to 1985, and when he wasn't having his enemies roasted alive for sport or wearing a necklace made of human skulls, he was looking for ways to attract industry to the city.
Ivancie decided Portland's high-quality water supply could be a selling point to convince businesses they should locate here. (The phrase "publicity stunt" springs to mind.)
Bear in mind, this was a time when people still intuitively understood that it's stupid to pay good money for a bottle of ordinary tap water.
The wizards of Madison Avenue eventually purged that obvious fact from the national consciousness. To do so, they first had to sell us on the marginally less-insane notion that it's reasonable to pay for a bottle of sparkling water.
Graybeards may recall that the thin end of the bottled-water wedge was Perrier, a naturally carbonated spring water that was alleged to be full of minerals and electrolytes.
Unfortunately for Ivancie, Perrier was as far as America's gullibility had progressed in 1983. Since no one would be crazy enough to bottle plain old spring water, Ivancie had his water carbonated.
Portland's answer to Perrier made it to the 1984 World's Fair in New Orleans, but by then the lumbering Ivancie had already been wiped out by an asteroid named Bud Clark.
These days, of course, the right to bottle Oregon spring water is worth millions—proving, once again, that it's just as bad to have the right idea five years too early as 50 years too late.
Questions? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com
Willamette Week