We Tried Different Brands of Mummy Powder, So You Don’t Have To

I make a tidy profit every year during carnival season by daring the barkers to guess my age. They scrutinize me up and down and inevitably come back with a number at least a decade less than my actual age. No, I am not a vampire, but you're on the right track. So to what do I owe my impressive longevity? In my estimation, there are two main contributing forces. The first is the revitalizing power of long days and late nights conducting painstaking analyses of Portland's rich and varied history. The second is a daily regimen of Powdered Mummy, my favorite dietary supplement.

For those unfamiliar, Powdered Mummy is a wellness supplement and panacea made from the finely milled corpses of embalmed ancient Egyptian royalty. Powdered Mummy offers a variety of restorative and invigorating effects, with no side effects (that I know of).

Recently, it has gained something of a dubious reputation due to a rash of unfortunate "fake news" articles purporting to deny its numinous medical benefits, or decrying there are too few mummies remaining in the world, and therefore is not a "sustainable product." Ignore these bogus claims—Powdered Mummy is not only effective, but there are still plenty of mummies out there.

I've sampled all of the brands available in Portland. Here's what I uncovered. Note that you might not find all of these on the shelf and may need to ask your friendly pharmacist to fetch it from the storeroom.

Rick O'Connell's: Don't be swayed by the cutesy packaging featuring Brendan Fraser as the eponymous character from Stephen Sommers' 1999 adventure flick. One capsule packs an Imhotep-sized wallop: rich, sandy flavor, followed by hours of intense mummy-induced vitality. Fraser also owns the company, and donates 100 percent of the profits to the British Museum. Score: 9/10.

Valley of the Kings: The first brand I ever tried, and still one of the finest. Who was I but a lonely boy in the ninth grade hoping for some wonder drug to cure my chronic acne? Grant High School's Sadie Hawkins dance followed a few weeks after my first dose, and never had I been so inundated with social invitations. Score: 10/10.

Dave's Killer Powdered Mummy: Unlike other brands on this list, Dave's Killer Powdered Mummy comes not in capsule form, but loose in a jar so you can dump a spoonful in your morning cereal or green smoothie. They also recently came out with a spreadable Nutella-like paste. Both options tasted strongly of flaxseed. Score: 10/10.

Cascadia Mummy Co.: With packaging that advertises powder made from "100% pure Egyptian mummy," Cascadia Mummy Co. faced criticism in 2011, when documents revealed several tons of Central American mummy had been shipped to the Tualatin processing plant. The company denied wrongdoing, blaming the mix-up on a purchasing error, and added that the wrongly acquired mummies would be distributed to local charities. When I tried Cascadia, the taste was unadulterated. Like the inside of a sarcophagus—in the best way possible. Score: 10/10.

Summation: All of them were wonderful. This truly is one of those rare instances in which the only way to lose is to not play.