Skip to main contentOne of the benefits of writing a queer column is the extraordinary amount of time I'm given to contemplate the patron saint of gay men everywhere: Cher. Her unpopstarlike qualities--husky voice, unconventional beauty, androgynous body, bad-girl behavior--make Her so unbelievably amazing, especially to gay men.
So even though Her Holy One's concert days have dwindled to zip, lately I find myself consumed by another Cher-ished thought: "Could the young Cherilyn Sarkisian (a.k.a. Our Hero) ever have made it on the cutthroat star-search TV show American Idol?"
The truth is...I don't think so.
Hell, I doubt She would've made it past the first round. After the "nice" judges politely dismissed Her away, that Brit bastard Simon would've popped off with something awful like, "She's too weird looking, and she sounds like a man. How dreadful."
And how sad.
Although Her illustrious sheen is starting to show the signs of aging, there's not another star in the universe like this one-named wonder. To prove my point, I give you the "FIVE LEVELS OF CHER." It's not makeup tips for dragsters, but rather an analysis of what it takes to rise to the top, and what separates Cher from the rest of the pack:
* STAR: It doesn't take much to be part of the pop-star machine. Stage your own kidnapping. Eat a pig's anus on TV. Cher did it in the '60s by hooking up with a short guy who couldn't sing and landing a gig on American Bandstand.
* SUPERSTAR: At this level, starlets need a tough-talking publicist, a good facial scrub (it's the one foodlike substance that will be allowed near your face) and their own television show. Cher wasn't really Cher! until She got the full Bob Mackie makeover on the CBS variety hour She shared with that diminutive dude and Portland's own Hudson Brothers.
* DIVA: Does "diva" come from the Latin for "difficult bitch"? With the current roster of femmes fatales (Whitney, Britney, Mariah) you might think so. But what makes a diva isn't VH-1...it's adversity. And Cher has seen Her share: failed marriages, messy divorces, unfortunate tattoos and awful infomericals. But rather than buckle under, this comeback queen simply figured out a way to disappear for a short time and reappear in a new wig--stronger than ever!
* ICON: A sorority of soul sisters, this close-knit category is reserved for just a few of Cher's "friends," including the iconoclastic Madonna and the breathtaking Barbra Streisand. Any bets these weird-looking women would have never made it on American Idol, either?
* CHER: The sole celestial body in Her own stratosphere, this queer-friendly pioneer earned Her ranking the hard way: She worked 40 friggin' years for it. Flanked by a gay daughter and a rocker son, you'd think She, like God on the sabbath, would want to finally sit back and relax. But that ain't Cher. And I bet we haven't seen the last of Her yet. Hallelujah!
"Living Proof," Cher's "farewell" tour. This is what gay heaven looks like.
Leather Pride Week 2002
It's all about whips, chains and having a good time. Who knew? Friday- Sunday, Aug. 2-11. Visit www.pdxleatheralliance.org for all the details.
Slim Shady Ladies
The Lesbian Avengers will host an Eminem look- alike contest / protest when the E-man comes to town. Bring your own bleach- blond hair and bad attitude. Rose Quarter, 1401 N Wheeler Ave. For more information call 309- 5777. Wednesday, Aug. 7.
WWeek 2015