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Locker-Room Etiquette Ever wondered what the inside of a gay bathhouse looks like? Wondered, of course, without setting foot in one of those hellholes?
Well, it's quite simple really. For a reasonably safe simulation of the average bathhouse, just drag your curious butt down to the gym and head straight for the men's locker room. (Or, as I like to call it, the "passion pit.")
Locker rooms, see, boast many of the same accoutrements horny homos revel in at a bathhouse: fluffy towels, cool water, steam heat, sweaty hunks of male flesh sauntering around in the altogether. Throw in a pair of manacles and a St. Andrew's Cross, and I'll show you a party.
Of course, most fellas troop to the gym to work out, not to get worked. The storied "locker-room miscommunication" (also known as "one thing leading to another") is not only the central plot device in a number of fine films I could recommend; it's also an unspoken fear of many of my het brothers.
As a courtesy, then, here are some tips to remember when it's time to strip down, lather up and rinse off.
Never make eye contact. Eyes are the windows to the soul, and the first signal to any homo--young, old, fat, skinny--that you might be up for something other than talking about last week's Superbowl "spread."
Don't use your dick as a towel hook. It may've had them howling after a high-school gridiron scrimmage, but post-puberty penis tricks will have most folks running to your girlfriend to ask if you've bought a LaBelle album recently.
Don't talk--ever. Pretending to be interested in what someone has to say--when they have absolutely no clothes on--never works. Well, except for with doctors, strippers and that cable-access freak.
Size matters. If you think that shrinky dink between your legs is your own private business, think again. Always keep your tool covered with a towel, or accept the fact that close friends, and even closer enemies, have no problem discussing the most intimate "member" of your family. Also, weigh-ins are for weight lifters and wrestlers. Since most of those guys are homos already, save your scale worries until you get home.
Don't sing in the shower. Acoustic guitar strumming, good. Acoustic gargling into a SpongeBob SquarePants soap-on-a-rope, bad. Very bad.
Dress and get the hell out of there. Friendships can be made anywhere. Except a locker room. Save your high fives until the wood hits your ass on the way out the door.
WWeek 2015