Skip to main contentLast week, the much-hyped testicular troupers of Puppetry of the Penis performed dick tricks in P-town. I had a chance to see the ball-twisting revue in all its glory on opening night and, honestly, I left the show a bit sick to my stomach (after all that penile torture). But nothing prepared me for the queasy feeling I got the next day as a judge of penis-puppeteer wannabes.
The PP show has become a huge hit. So big, in fact, that its creators feel it's sine qua non to hold auditions for possible cast members every time they come to a new town. I don't really think they desire that much fresh meat. I just think it's part of their dick shtick. And frankly, I didn't expect anyone else to show up for this beefy cattle call, especially if it meant exposing your dick to a group of total strangers.
But boy, was I wrong!
Around noon Wednesday I entered the chilly emptiness of the Aladdin Theater and was immediately confronted by six guys of various shapes and sizes stripping their clothes off. As I acquainted myself with my fellow judges (a PR maven and a radio sales rep) one of the professional puppeteers, Dan Lewry, ran the now-naked boys through their penis paces. At that time, we began to pick apart the peckerish group based on "dick-terity," "piss-zazz" and what Dan said every penis puppeteer had to have to make it big: "a complete lack of shame."
And shameless they were. One by one, each contestant walked out onto the Aladdin's stage and freely wiggled his willy. First up was 47-year-old Steve. This recently married Air Force major thought it would be "exciting to do now that he was retired." Though he said he "had never been naked in front of this many people," Steve still was able to squish his meat into a pretty neat hamburger. Swell.
Next up was handy Andy. A hippie-ish realtor, Andrew considered himself an exhibitionist, if not a true penis artist. And after Andy came Jeremiah. Although this punkish press operator, whose one claim to fame was having his dick pierced on KNRK, couldn't turn his ball sack into a bullfrog, he could do a pretty mean Loch Ness Monster. Besides, the J-man had a perfect-looking, pretty little dick. Following Jeremiah was a 26-year-old starving artist named Jeremy. This well-endowed skinny kid had real talent. Saying that he had been performing dick tricks as long as he could remember, Jeremy made his penis "disappear" and even made it look like "Leatherface." And speaking of celebrity impressions, Kirk, the waiter/former stripper who popped up next, was big into celebrity impressions--including "Joe Camel," which required a pair of glasses, a cigarette and a good sense of humor.
Which just left Justin. This 25-year-old, who had a hard time keeping his clay soft, reminded me why Simon loses his temper on American Idol, and why I sort of have a problem with penis puppetry. Taking away whatever romantic notion penises may champion, some of these performers ended up looking like rejects from a A Chorus Line. But you have to give them credit for giving it their all (even when it wasn't much). And you have to forgive me, but it's just going to be a little while before I can look at a penis again without laughing my ass off.
WWeek 2015