The Dayz of Wayback

Uh, no.

Remember that phrase as you watch the long-awaited N.W.A. biopic Straight Outta Compton this weekend. It will surely be an incredible film—but not nearly what it could have been were it not produced by its own subjects, an image-conscious and very powerful cadre that includes Dr. Dre, Ice Cube and Friday director F. Gary Gray.

In addition to being the most important and influential rap group of all time, the N.W.A. project has always been a masterstroke of image-crafting. I learned that five years ago when I interviewed a dozen people who were there for the birth of the group, including member MC Ren and manager Jerry Heller. Although N.W.A. told stories of street life better than anyone before or since, when the members got together they were mostly virgins who did not smoke marijuana or drink malt liquor, let alone shoot cops. Ice Cube studied drafting at a technical school in Phoenix, and Dr. Dre was performing at roller rinks as part of a besequined DJ crew.

Straight Outta Compton did not screen before our deadline, but early reports suggest it's more of a feature-length music video than a documentary. That's fine—I'm as excited for the movie as anyone. But I will be slightly more excited if Straight Outta Compton includes any of these real-life events.

Dr. Dre wearing lipstick and a white-sequined jumpsuit.

Dr. Dre is an incredible talent and probably the most important person in popular music over the last two decades. He's also an undeniable studio gangsta who "ain't never done shit wrong." As Eric "Eazy-E" Wright (RIP) once mused, "Damn, it's a trip how a nigga can switch so quick from wearing lipstick to smokin' on chronic at picnics." My preferred version of this scene takes place at Skateland U.S.A. in Compton (RIP), with Dr Dre wearing white-sequined suits and a stethoscope while performing as part of the World Class Wreckin' Cru. Eazy comes in wearing an L.A. Kings hat and is, like, "Word?"

The white dude.

Look closely at the cover of N.W.A.'s first record, N.W.A. and the Posse, and you'll notice there's a white dude right up front. That's Krazy D, and he's actually Mexican. He was a street-level dealer along with Eazy and a genuine member of N.W.A. in its early days. He's listed as a co-producer of the group's first single, and he sang a verse on "Dopeman." He should appear briefly in the film and be played by a young Danny McBride.

MC Chip and Eazy hustling records at the Compton Swap Meet.

If there's not at least one swap-meet scene, this movie is bullshit. My sincere hope is that it's Eazy and his oldest homie, MC Chip, picking up a stack of freshly pressed vinyl at Macola Records (RIP) in Hollywood and cruising down the 110 in Eazy's 6-4 to the Compton Fashion Center (RIP). There, extras have their minds blown by records with cuss words on them.

Ice Cube saying a bunch of racist shit about Koreans, Jews and "cave bitches."

After leaving N.W.A.—and before hanging with Elmo on Sesame Street—Ice Cube dabbled in the Nation of Islam and said a 

lot of really fucked-up things about Jews (spurred by anger at Heller), Koreans (who ran inner-city bodegas) and "cave bitches" ("stringy hair, no derriere, fronting and faking with your silicone pair… the Devil sent you to try and tame us, but you can't tame me with no bitch named Amy, looking for the dark meat, but ho I ain't trying to go out like Barkley"). Something tells me this gets cut from the movie.

All the disses.

Before they all made up around the time of Eazy's death from AIDS, the members of N.W.A. traded barbs in some of the most vicious diss tracks of all time. Downplaying that does a disservice to history.

Johnny "J" producing all the good shit on All Eyez on Me.

Dre gets most of the credit for Pac's best record, but his main Johnny "J" (RIP) produced all the good songs except "Can't C Me" and "California Love." In my version of the scene, Dre watches Johnny work on "Picture Me Rollin'," nods, then says, "That's dope." This could help set up the obvious follow-up, a Tupac biopic.

Everyone trying to get with Michel'le.

Why did everyone want to get with Ruthless Records R&B singer Michel'le? I do not know. I do know that the mother of children by both Dre and Suge should be played by Kerry Washington, and there should be at least one hot sex scene.

Suge Knight dangles Vanilla Ice off a hotel balcony.

OK, so the founding of Ruthless Records is probably beyond the scope of Compton. But if it's not, we've gotta see Suge Knight dangling Vanilla Ice off a hotel balcony. 

SEE IT: Straight Outta Compton is rated R. It opens Friday.

WWeek 2015