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1036 NW Hoyt St., 226-0200. Daily-nightly Monday-Saturday, night-only Sunday.
CHEERS: Who can say no to a black-velvet Elvis and bleu balls?
JEERS: Pace of service is consistent: damn slow.
Despite having to wait awhile for a drink, something keeps ya going back to the Low Brow. Maybe it's the bleu balls, seriously. Along with sammies and tater tots, the Low Brow also serves up deep-fried balls of chicken, ham and cheese ($6), and dammit if they aren't tasty. But it could be any combination of the dark smokiness, kitschy decor, anti-Bush paraphernalia and weirdly shaped mosaic tables that wins you over. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, MOVIE NIGHTS, SMOKING & NON-SMOKING AREAS. (AM)
Lucky Labrador Brewing Company 915 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 236-3555; Lucky Lab Public House, 7675 SW Capitol Highway, 244-2537; Lucky Lab Brew Hall, 1945 NW Quimby St., 517-4352. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: The Lucky Lab's big ol' concrete patio is like an urban dog park...with beer!
JEERS: When the dogs get a-talkin', all that barkin' can be a little distracting.
This trio of cavernous, ex-warehouse hangouts for cyclists and dogs embraces drinking outdoors and concocts its own brews—Reggie's Red is a good, middle-of-the-road standard ($3.50 a pint, $10 a pitcher). The Lab also raises the bar (at least in terms of healthiness) on the usual pub fare with its chicken or veggie bento bowls (both $5.75), which means you can down another $2 pint on Miser Monday without that extra guilt. DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, PET-FRIENDLY PATIO, SMOKE-FREE (SMOKING ON PATIO), WI-FI. (AM)
The Lutz Tavern 4639 SE Woodstock Blvd., 774-0353. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: No pretense among locals at this neighborhood joint.
JEERS: Neighborhood clientele includes Reed College students on Thursday nights.
This place is so laid-back, there's not much to complain about: $1 beer (PBR, Miller High Life) most nights of the week, red vinyl bar stools, and a jukebox of alt rock and '70s R&B. Don't plan to eat at the cash-only Lutz, unless your idea of dinner is popcorn, meatballs or hot dogs. If you're in a hurry, grab a beer to go (yes, you read that right): A 40-ounce PBR costs $3.50. The girl whose T-shirt reads "Beer is the reason I wake up every afternoon" will bum a smoke from you on your way out. POOL, GAMES, VIDEO POKER, TV, JUKEBOX. (PR)
MacTarnahan's Taproom 2730 NW 31st Ave., 228-5269. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Early on a warm summer evening, a long picnic table on the patio is the perfect spot for your posse to take in some sun and suds.
JEERS: And we mean early—Mac's last call comes when other bars are just getting warmed up.
The name may have changed since Seattle's Pyramid brewmasters took the helm of Portland Brewing's flagship a couple of years ago, but all's still right where it counts. Trusty MacTarnahan's amber and Black Watch porter are now joined by excellent Pyramid brews (but order the cloying Apricot Weizen only if Steel Magnolias really spoke to you), and the bleu-cheese-stuffed bacon burger ($7.95) is still on offer—and still upstaged by the zowie garlic-rosemary fries. This is a place for conversing, not carousing...but you don't want to make your way out of deep Northwest's industrial wasteland when you're tanked, anyway. HAPPY HOUR, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, TV, SMOKE-FREE. (IG)
Madison's Bar & Grill 1109 SE Madison St., 230-2471. Daily.
CHEERS: Free pool all hours and wickedly cheap beer (micros and domestics) during happy hour.
JEERS: Hipsters will be hard pressed to find something ironic, kitschy or retro to make them feel at home.
When you've had it with sceney-boppers and smoky dives, duck into Madison's, where everybody knows your name, your drink and what sauce you take with your chicken strips (just $2.95 during happy hour). Proprietor Steve Brown wants to have it all—the senior dinner crowd, the late-night, Pabst-popping youngsters. Hence the weird juxtaposition of silver-fox singles brunches, dinner theater in the east wing, and regular DJs that spin hip-hop and Baltimore house. Sounds like a disaster on paper, but in person it works like a charm, thanks to the ultra-amiable, down-to-earth staff, decent food and the happiest happy hours you e'er pressed yer lips to. happy hour, food & drink specials, outdoor seating, dj, pool, video poker, tv, smoking lounge. (JD)
Magic Gardens 217 NW 4th Ave., 224-8472. Daily-nightly Monday-Saturday, night-only Sunday.
CHEERS: Red neon glow softens the appearance of the strippers.
JEERS: Drunk, sexually frustrated men—and those restrooms could use a good wipe-down!
Cover-free poontang right in your face? Add a $3 glass of Pabst and a $4 glass of Sutter Home Chardonnay for your lady friend (tea, hot cocoa and diner food also available) and you've got the makings of a fine night on the town. In a dive bar. With stale pretzels. If you don't feel like ponying up the tipping cash for a stage-side seat, grabbing a spot at the pool table and cracking jokes about "sinking the 8-ball" never hurt anyone, either. STRIPPERS, POOL, VIDEO POKER, JUKEBOX. (KS)
Mary's Club 129 SW Broadway, 227-3023. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Enthusiastic dancers.
JEERS: No sailors.
There should be more sailors at one of P-town's oldest strip joints. Sailors would love Mary's Club. Shit, there's even a startlingly huge mid-20th-century mural of a ship, with hunky seamen, painted on the walls of this little, but still somehow spacious, strip room. Why the hell aren't there uniformed types draining bourbons ($4.50) or quaffing 25 better-than-you'd-expect beers and wine? And why is there no catcalling? Look at that stripper: She's very enthusiastically thrusting her crotch into your face. Even though Mary's has a one-drink minimum ($2) policy, and on Friday and Saturday nights only there's a cover charge ($2), there should still be more sailors, and more catcalling. STRIPPERS, VIDEO POKER, GAMES. (AC)
Matador 1967 W Burnside St., 222-5822. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Super-cheap pool (25 cents), and the strongest drinks in all of Stumptown.
JEERS: Alas, that would also be those strong drinks, but be warned: They only serve Pabst and Mirror Pond on tap.
What's red, black and velvet all over? That would be the interior of the Matador, one of West Burnside's many notorious dives, where tattooed, smoking punks reign supreme and velvet paintings of matadors in various stages of the bull kill lovingly adorn the wood paneling. A good time is always had at the Matador, but there's a seedy vibe that goes beyond the decor. It's a David Lynch sort of feeling—above the din of the television and the pool balls cracking, you can almost hear someone's soul being sold. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, DJs, VIDEO POKER, TV, POOL, JUKEBOX, GAMES, SMOKING. (LS)
McMenamins Cornelius Pass Roadhouse (Imbrie Hall) 4045 NW Cornelius Pass Road, 640-6174. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Imbrie Hall is a two-story barn that looks like it came from the Shire.
JEERS: If you've imbibed at one McMenamins, you've imbibed at them all.
Why drive all the way to Hillsboro when there are McMenamins all over Portland? For one, this place is more like a Tolkien adventure than a bar. Think of it as a rockin' Frodo's Place. Housed on a former homestead, McMenamins CPR boasts two restaurants, one bar and one of the only octagonal barns left in North America. When it comes to food and beer, Imbrie Hall is like any other McMenamins except it takes reservations and serves pizzas. Try the Roadhouse Special ($17 for a medium) for a meaty and satisfying pie. happy hour, food & drink specials, outdoor seating, tv, wi-fi. (PR)
La Merde 301 SE Morrison St., 234-1324. Daily-nightly Monday-Friday, night-only Saturday-Sunday.
CHEERS: Takes the edge off the chaotic Montage experience.
JEERS: Waiters calling—no, screaming—diners to their tables can be a bit jarring.
It's too bad La Merde is so slick and attractive, because its neighboring parent restaurant, le Bistro Montage, feels dingy and noisy by comparison. The bar, minimally decorated in blue, silver and dark wood, avoids the common pitfall of trying too hard to be unique—with the exception of cutely named drinks like the grapefruity Homojito ($7)—but the effort in restraint seems wasted on what is essentially a waiting room for the main event. happy hour, drink specials, dj, smoking. (SC)
Mock Crest Tavern 3435 N Lombard St., 283-5014. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Rockin' staff that kick ass in the kitchen.
JEERS: Smoke gets in your eyes and on your food.
This narrow-ass, smoky tavern came to be a long time ago (1947), in a neighborhood far, far away (Kenton). And although over the years it sure has seen its share of changes, it's always stayed true to its bluesy roots: as in killer blues music, blue-collar beers and its famous "bluesburgers," with blue-cheese sauce and crispy bacon ($7.95). Beyond the blues, breakfast specials include a $2.99 "Keno egg sandwich," that's two eggs on a pancake, with a buck Keno play. Cool. Even cooler is that hot bluegrass band Sneakin' Out plays every Thursday afternoon in the beer garden—for free! HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, BEER GARDEN, LIVE MUSIC, GAMES, VIDEO POKER, TV, OPEN MIC, WI-FI. (BB)
Momo 725 SW 10th Ave., 478-9600. Daily-nightly Monday-Saturday, night-only Sunday.
CHEERS: The grotto behind the bar room.
JEERS: The bar room itself.
This dark, cramped space would have little to recommend it (apart from some fine DJs) if it weren't for what's behind Door No. 2. Through the back door, there's a secret garden, penned in by the surrounded buildings but still providing a welcome retreat from the parade of mental discontent near Central Library. In an earlier incarnation, this was a British-style tea garden; on a bright afternoon, you can close your eyes and imagine the little cuke sammies. And as the shadows deepen, gloom settles in and you find your way to the bottom of another pint—well, somehow it still feels British back there. HAPPY HOUR, OUTDOOR SEATING, DJs, GAMES, POOL, TV, JUKEBOX. (IG)
Moon & Sixpence 2014 NE 42nd Ave., 288-7802. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: As close to a reasonable facsimile as you'll get in Merry Olde Portland of Ye Olde British Pub.
JEERS: Ye olde pubs are often smoking traps. This bar is no exception.
Want to feel like you're in dank and dark England instead of dank and dark Portland? Then this is the place, complete with fish and chips ($8.95), bangers and mash ($8.25 for what we'd call sausages and potatoes), British beer towels, musty books and games, dartboards, and a lovely black-and-white photo of John & Yoko. And oh, yes, the beer offerings are extensive, from Fuller's ESB to Boddington's Cream Ale served in 20-ounce imperial pints for $4.50 apiece. But screw the English.
Just order the tasty Guinness for $4.50 until you shout, "Erin go bragh!" OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, DARTS, SMOKING. (HS)
Muu-Muu's Big World Diner 612 NW 21st Ave., 223-8169. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Sop up frilly cocktails with the famous Muu-Muu Burger ($6), a hoagie stuffed with spicy burger patty and tasty fries.
JEERS: Loud and smoky—but depending on who you're with that could be a good thing.
Strings of Christmas lights, around-the-world decor and an eclectic menu make Muu-Muu's a magical place. Just one drink and you'll agree: The energy here rages from open to close. Sure, service is a bit of a crapshoot, but you can't beat this place for good vibes and even better grub. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, TV. (JD)
New Old Lompoc Pub and Brewery 1616 NW 23rd Ave., 225-1855; 5th Quadrant, 3901B N Williams Ave., 228-3996. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: From malty to hoppy, it's all bliss.
JEERS: Cook may suffer from mood disorder.
Playing David to the Brew Bros.' Goliath, the Lompoc brewers opened this ramshackle hangout within slingshot distance of McMenamins and dealt a knockout blow. While the brothers' house is reliable as a sermon, Lompoc brings heaven and, well, purgatory straight to your lips. Hint: The kitchen can be capricious. But food, shmood—the Lompoc Strong Draft and C-Note Imperial IPA (both $3.50 a pint) are salvation in a glass. And now, NoPo imbibers can swill at the newly opened sister pub, 5th Quadrant. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, TUESDAY TRIVIA NIGHT, VIDEO POKER, TV. (KMB)
Night Light Lounge 2100 SE Clinton St., 731-6500. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: A four-hour happy hour featuring a menu of comfort foods that are cheap and good.
JEERS: Bartender gives a dirty look when you ask if you can get "the cheapest," and so does the girl sitting next to you.
Nestled away from the hustle and bustle of Southeast's major thoroughfares, the Night Light can be a quiet early-evening date spot, or a late-night meat market. Either way, the Barry White on the jukebox and the tasteful nude art is absolutely appropriate. The couches in the back are perfect for relaxing with your squeeze and playing one of the many board games piled haphazardly in the back. But if you're still on the lookout for that special one (or just tonight's special one), stake out a spot at the bar and order from a healthy beer list ranging from the usual microbrew draft selection to canned Olympia ($2) and bottled Black Cat Ale ($6). HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, DJ, POOL, JUKEBOX, SMOKING. (MB)
Noir 203 SE Grand Ave.,231-2925. Nightly Wednesday-Sunday.
CHEERS: Wickedly dark atmosphere.
JEERS: Often empty.
Noir is a fitting name for this basement bar. After you transcend a small sitting room, you find yourself in a dark, labyrinthine bar area with glowing red lights that make the place look like the waiting room for some Matrix-style S&M club (which seems appropriate enough considering how many fetish folks meet here). Instead, what you get is a cold, spendy and somewhat unwelcoming hangout. Questionable hookups with the hit-or-miss crowd become even more questionable when you emerge from the darkness to find that that hottie looked a hell of a lot better in a haze of smoke and dim light. DJ, QUEER & FETISH NIGHTS, SMOKING. (APK)
- Outlaws Bar & Grill 722 E Burnside St., 233-7855. Nightly Monday-Friday, daily-nightly Saturday-Sunday.
CHEERS: There's mechanical bullriding on Wednesday nights.
JEERS: There's mechanical bullriding on Wednesday nights.
The beauty of Outlaws (like many of the recent additions to western-themed nightlife) is that it is such a parody of a cowboy bar that no one can really feel threatened by it. The bar is accomodating to all types and classes of whiskey and beer drinkers (others should best find a different hangout), the karaoke book employed in the mezzanine on Thursday nights is filled with new and old country hits, and the giant mirrored cowboy hat hanging over the dance floor (where line dancing and mechanical bullriding takes place) inspires both awe and astonishment no matter the size of your belt buckle. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, LIVE MUSIC, JELL-O WRESTLING, POOL, JUKEBOX, GAMES, SMOKING. (MB)
- Pala Fashion Lounge 105 NW 3rd Ave., 242-0700. Nightly Tuesday-Sunday.
CHEERS: Killer specialty drinks.
JEERS: Extremely fashion-conscious crowd.
In the fashion farce Zoolander, Owen Wilson's pad was ridiculously decked out with cheap Eastern religious icons. Pala, a bar that frequently doubles as a runway, doesn't disappoint those who learned everything they know about the fashion industry from the movies. Here, Buddhist trinkets hang next to flat-screen televisions airing Fashion TV. If you can forgive the decor, Pala's still worth checking out for its unusual drinks and friendly bartenders. Try the Jean Paul Gaultier ($7.50), a refreshing blend of Ciroc Vodka, Cointreau and white grape juice. HAPPY HOUR, DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, DJ, TV. (JD)
Pink Feather 14154 SE Division St., 761-2030. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: "Don't be stupid," croaked the friendly bartendress when I passed on dinner (the bar menu includes a steak sandwich and 6-ounce lobster tail meal deal for $18.90). "You're missing out."
JEERS: The Pink Feather is not a gay bar. And that's just false advertising.
Why bar-hop when you can time-warp? Beyond Southeast 82nd Avenue in the wilds of Gresham hides a glorious relic of seedy, midcentury boozery. This big surf-and-turf emporium and its wee, low-ceilinged bar have been open since 1957. Suck down a cadaver-stiff $2.50 gin and tonic and gaze in slack-jawed contentment at its namesake decor: worn pink-velvet settees, pink walls in the bathroom, pink plastic vases on the chipped tables. Add in the de rigueur big circular fireplace, velvet naked-lady paintings, a Visa-card-sized dance floor and a row of regulars whose behinds seem permanently pasted to their barstools and you've got yourself a candidate for dive-bar nirvana. HAPPY HOUR, VIDEO POKER, TV, JUKEBOX, KARAOKE, FIREPLACE. (KC)
Porky's Pub 835 N Lombard St., 283-9734. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: This total dive explodes into an outrageous party at least a couple of times a week.
JEERS: The power goes out sometimes and there's a noise limit, enforced by decibel meter.
Since the audience always hates the band, Porky's used to be a great place to see your favorite local artist squirm. But the future of live music, as well as entertaiment in general, is uncertain here, since the bar's flagship, Thursday's out-of-control, always-audacious queer night, Booty, is hightailing it for the much more expansive Acme in Southeast Portland. With a new all-queer, all-the-time format, additional changes include an expanded (and heated) patio and a brand-new smoking ban. Four-dollar pitchers of Miller will stay, though. HAPPY HOUR, DJs, QUEER, GAMES, OUTDOOR SEATING, TV, VIDEO POKER, VIDEO PORN, SMOKE-FREE (SMOKING ON PATIO). (JS)
Produce Row Cafe 204 SE Oak St., 232-8355. Daily-nightly Monday-Saturday.
CHEERS: Host of imported beers make it a great place to hang out.
JEERS: Expect to hang out for awhile, since the service is so laid-back.
Tucked into an industrial pocket of the inner eastside, in a hiding spot near the train tracks, Produce Row couldn't be any more homey and hard to find. This perfect post-work kick-up-your-feet-and-drink pub isn't for the fancypants crowd. With a "holy shit" selection of American brews and imports from every place you can think of (try Brazil's Xingu or India's Kingfisher), sweet outdoor patio, open mic nights and live music almost every day of the week, the Row is a beer lover's showcase and then some. Cheers to that. HAPPY HOUR, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, OPEN MIC, POOL, TV. (EB)
- Rafael's Comida Mexicana 3728 NE Sandy Blvd., 288-8835. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Way more fun than Chili's.
JEERS: Giant enchilada plates soak up your beer buzz.
At Rafael's, a family-friendly Mexican restaurant by day and a dance club by night, one could spend a Saturday night eating tamales and enchiladas before hitting the light-up dance floor (they don't call it "little Ararat" for nothing) to work off the carbs. However, here's a little piece of advice: None of the club's patrons—ultra-hip lesbians and spikey-haired bros—wants to smell your sour-cream sweat and avocado gas. So stick to the chips and salsa if you plan on busting a move. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, LIVE MUSIC, DJ, POOL, TV, KARAOKE, QUEER NIGHT, OPEN MIC, DANCE LESSONS, SMOKE-FREE, WI-FI. (CJ)
Red Room 2530 NE 82nd Ave., 256-3399. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: A fully-loaded jukebox and rowdy karaoke.
JEERS: It's on Northeast 82nd. 'Nuff said.
Formerly Roc's, the Red Room looks like a hipster hangout overrun by rowdies, butt rockers and yahoos. That's not to say it's not charming, in its own way. Beer and grub are basic, cheap and easy at the sports dive. The liquor selection is vast, and the atmosphere is grimy and appropriately loud. And if you feel like picking up on one of the 82nd Avenue honies in the bar, there are a few roach motels nearby, ripe to stumble into for an hour or two of icky fun. happy hour, live music, karaoke, games, video poker, tv, jukebox, smoking. (APK)
Ringler's Annex 1223 SW Stark St., 525-0520.
Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Drippy candles, wall tiles and a serious hideaway vibe.
JEERS: Tight quarters mean that one boisterous group raises the volume of the whole place.
With such a cozy, oddly shaped room, this perfect respite from the Vaseline Alley and Crystal Ballroom chaos could be renamed Ringler's Attic. But not many attics have full service, a wide range of liquors, Red Bull (thank you!) and a full menu. Plus, food items—including the killer New Yorker sandwich (pastrami and swiss), spinach artichoke dip, and generous hummus plate—will only set you back $3.75, and are available at all hours. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, DJ, OUTDOOR SEATING. (KS)
Rogue Ales Public House 1339 NW Flanders St., 222-5910. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Oh, sweet Rogue beer. All 37 of them are delectable and tantalizingly amazing. And that's not even including the seasonals.
JEERS: Bottom line? The ambience is lame.
Rogue Ales are arguably some of Oregon's best homegrown product: They've claimed more than 400 awards for their brews. Don't believe us? Swill a pint of hop-heavy Dead Guy Ale and then we'll chat. In the meantime, the Rogue's Portland outpost could use a shot in the arm. It's just so...pubby. In what rulebook does it say that microbreweries should sport boring booths, blast classic rock and decorate with photo-jammed walls? We deserve a better experience—and so does the beer. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, VIDEO POKER, OUTDOOR SEATING, SMOKING LOUNGE, TV, WI-FI. (LS)
Sabala's at Mount Tabor 4811 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 238-1646. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Eclectic selection of movies on the big screen.
JEERS: The main venue can be either packed or cavernously empty, depending on who's playing.
Sabala's is the most recent incarnation of many businesses that have occupied this building over the years. So far, it seems considerably cleaner (and cooler) than most of its predecessors, thanks to its lovely co-owners Jason Sabala and his wife, Zoelle. Service is laid-back and friendly, and cosmos come muddled with fresh lime. If you've been wondering what's happened to the worldwide supply of fluorescent paint and black lights, Sabala's is hoarding them for the wonderfully decadent and totally cool Sideshow Lounge. It's a site to behold. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, LIVE MUSIC, JUKEBOX, KARAOKE, GAMES (BINGO!), MOVIES, TV. (JW)
Sandy Hut 1430 NE Sandy Blvd., 235-7972. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Shuffleboard ain't just for lido decks.
JEERS: The secondhand smoke here is as good as new.
This ain't the place to discover the newest twist on the mojito formula. At this Northeast Sandy institution, shaped like an oddly appetizing slice of day-old pizza, all you need to know is that shuffleboard and vid poker are up front, pool's in back, and games, bar and booths are in the middle. The Hut is where local loyalists go to slow-cure their troubles in a heady fog of smoke and booze breath. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD SPECIALS, SHUFFLEBOARD, VIDEO POKER, VID BOWLING AND GOLF, JUKEBOX, POOL, SMOKING. (IG)
Sapphire Hotel 5008 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 232-6333. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: This former (supposed) brothel-turned-bar's no smoking policy means your date will taste as good as he or she looks.
JEERS: A pallid cheese plate ($9)—icy brie and bland bread—fizzles out the sexy foreplay.
"Eat, drink, kiss" suggests the menu at this cozy Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard boudoir. Charmed tunes, from Nina Simone to the Rushmore soundtrack, swirl around the girly, oxblood-hued chamber while romancing couples sip sweet, bubbly cocktails ($6-$8) at corner tables and larger groups make goo-goo eyes at one another over housemade bread pudding ($5). Sure, this kitschy gem can suffer from meat-market syndrome on a Saturday night, but for a midweek assignation, we say check into this hotel. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, FIREPLACE, SMOKE-FREE, WI-FI. (KC)
Sassy's Bar and Grill 927 SE Morrison St.,231-1606. Daily-nightly Monday-Saturday, night-only Sunday.
CHEERS: Conveniently located right next to Holocene, Sassy's is the perfect escape for when the electro-noise gets to be too much for ya.
JEERS: You often see the same stripper in the same getup.
Sassy's mix of unpretentious and trashy should take you right back to your early days of boob-gawking in whatever podunk town you came from. Less hip than Union Jacks and less novel than Mary's, Sassy's does have both a separate pool room and a piss trough, but the rest is pretty standard: muscle-bound bouncers, video crack addicts, crabby-ish barkeeps and, of course, plenty of T&A. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, DJ, GAMES, POOL, VIDEO POKER, TV, STRIPPERS, SMOKING. (AM)
Saucebox 214 SW Broadway, 241-3393. Nightly Tuesday-Saturday.
CHEERS: Daniel Duford's massive Superhero mural looms large above the main bar like some visceral, all-knowing drunk's idol. All bars should have such a mascot.
JEERS: This bar's crush of regular scenesters and baffled tourists fresh from the city's surrounding hotels often create both cultural and physical traffic jams.
For more than a decade, this downtown swankatorium has seemed ready to bust its pan-Asian seams: It's so crammed with glittery, chain-smoking gal pals; lone-wolf lotharios; and other archetypes of our city's fair array of urban detritus. So last year, the powers that be added a slick, spacious dining room to complement the dimly lit, fitfully Zen bar. Is this cocktail cornerstone spendy? Hell yes, but always drinkable: from an ass-kickingly sweet-'n'-sour house-infused Thai chile vodka and passionfruit puree number called, appropriately, Kickboxer ($8) to rounds of Gekkeikan Zipang sparkling sake ($10). No worries, an eclectic array of DJs are on hand every Wednesday through Saturday night to make sure your cocktail glass travels from your table to your mouth without ever skipping a beat. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, DJs. (KC)
- Scandals 1125 SW Stark St., 227-5887. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Same name and smokin' bar staff, way different bar.
JEERS: Feels like you're in a gay goldfish bowl.
One of this town's most venerable gay bars, Scandals has scooted up the street and moved into the homo home of much-missed Three Sisters Tavern. Gutting Three Tits back to its basic bones, the "new and improved" Scandals has dropped the tired ferns and '70s vibe of its old space in favor of something more akin to an airport bar on Fire Island. Tanned bodies, tight shirts, well-manicured hands—and that's just on the bar staff. What hasn't changed, though, is that this is still the place where every queer in town goes to start his night off right, with a strong drink and a little queer conversation. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, DJ, POOL, DARTS, VIDEO POKER, SMOKING, WI-FI. (BB)
Sewickly Addition 4901 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 236-3104. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Looking for a quick, cheap buzz? You're in the right place.
JEERS: Everyone else is here for the same reason.
Sewickly's has an impressive array of games and amusements, but they're all of the type you can play with a drink in your hand and a smoke in your lips. If you order a cocktail, make sure it's a liquor you don't mind drinking straight, because they're notoriously stingy with mixers around here. FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, POOL, GAMES, VIDEO POKER. (JW)
Shanghai Tunnel 211 SW Ankeny St., 220-4001. Nightly.
CHEERS: The food will make you swoon.
JEERS: The food will make you broke.
Still one of downtown's darkest, coziest bars, despite bright new video poker and pool, Shanghai Tunnel has all the benefits of a hipster bar that is squarely five minutes ago: The clientele is cool enough to be attractive, but not so much to make you feel ugly. Chinese lanterns give off just enough glow to read the menu by: Pan-Asian specialties like the noodle bowl with drunk sauce ($8) are awesome, even sober. HAPPY HOUR, OUTDOOR SEATING, POOL, GAMES, VIDEO POKER, SMOKING. (SC)
Slabtown 1033 NW 16th Ave., 223-0099. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Big food.
JEERS: Noodle dancing.
The bar equivalent of a broken-in pair of jeans, Slabtown is comfy and cool without trying too hard. The bar and music venue has recently changed its format from hipster to hippie, but those with patchouli allergies can still enjoy one of the best happy hours downtown (see "Clock Blockin'," page 6) with cheap beer, tasty wieners and no jam bands. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, LIVE MUSIC, POOL, GAMES, TV, SMOKING. (SC)
Slow Bar 533 SE Grand Ave., 230-7767. Daily-nightly Monday-Friday, night-only Saturday-Sunday.
CHEERS: Fits many moods.
JEERS: Big ol' flatscreen TV.
If Ernest Hemingway had been gay, he would have loved Slow Bar. Not Africa/Idaho Hemingway, but Cuba/Paris Hemingway. It's got the feel of a neighborhood local, but with lazy neon, frosted glass, deep leather booths and dim red lighting. The mojitos ($6.50) are said to be the best this side of 82nd Avenue, if not west of the Mississippi. Also make sure to try a pizzetta ($6.50). HAPPY HOUR, OUTDOOR SEATING, TV, JUKEBOX, WI-FI, DRINK/FOOD SPECIALS. (ID)
- SoLo 1300 NW Lovejoy St., 220-0080. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Aesthetics rule at this underground martini bar with colorful, tasty concoctions to complement the scene.
JEERS: The beautifully designed bar is quite small, and when the weather's good there's a wait for outdoor seating.
Get down. Way down. SoLo has brought a style to the Pearl District's bowels that's more likely to be found in a Manhattan hot spot. That is, one that's deep underground and way under the radar. The staff, attractive and personable, serve up some of this 'hoods most creative cocktails and eats in this subterranean lounge that could easily double as this city's best new hideout. SoLo's happy hour offers cheap drink prices as well as 50 percent off of exotic and filling apps. The Dungeness crab cocktail is as good as it looks, and the cantaloupe tequila martini is so addictive, you'll be hooked after just one sip. HAPPY HOUR, DRINK & FOOD SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, DJs. (EG)
Space Room 4800 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 235-8303. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Sputnik-era decor and powerful pours.
JEERS: If you're in here, you're a smoker, whether you light up or not.
The Space Room is a smoky, boozy palace. The total lack of windows makes it the perfect place to forget what time, or even what day it is. Slide into the super-cushy red banquettes and space out under the trippy Portland murals. The bloody marys and mai tais are legendary, and the curvaceous bar is retro cool. DRINK SPECIALS, FREE EARLY EVENING HORS D'OEUVRES, JUKEBOX, VIDEO POKER. (JW)
Squeez 1403 SE Belmont St., 239-5144. Nightly.
CHEERS: Infused drinks and always a table available.
JEERS: Gut-rotting food and crap DJs.
A friendly dive with an inexplicable stigma attached, Squeez seems like three separate bars. The main room is decked out in a glowing, psychedelic Caribbean motif, with booths and a bar stocked with infused liquors (they do their own IPA, too). Next is a huge, two-table pool room (free on weekends), and in the back is a lounge lined with crooked bookshelves and couches. The drinks—cleverly named, unique and fresh—are cheap, ranging from $3.50 to $7, and a truly diverse, young crowd keeps things interesting, even when the underappreciated gem is virtually empty. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, DJs, JUKEBOX, GAMES, TV, MOVIES, SMOKING. (APK)
Thunder Ranch 13456 SE McLoughlin Blvd., 653-7625. Daily-nightly Tuesday-Saturday.
CHEERS: It's a real, live version of Cowgirls Gone Wild.
JEERS: Texas via P-town gets a little lost in the translation.
Riding high here means straddling "Stan," a mechanical monstrosity that takes up a good part of this Southfork-sized "ranch." And while Stan the Bull may be the star of this suburban cowboy hitching-up post, he sure in hell ain't the only thing to sit on at this way-out-in-the-boonies cowpoke bar (it's across from Milwaukie's infamous Bomber). That's right, pardner! More Cancun than cowboy, fearless fellas and lady friends can get all liquored up by taking a spin in the "Jack Daniel's Shot Chair," where a barkeep ranch hand will pour of the good stuff right down your gullet. And make sure to grab a gander at the menu: The Nachos Bonzana, not to mention the "Balls of Thunder" (deep-fried Rocky Mountain oysters), are the size of the Lone Star State. happy hour, food & drink specials, outdoor seating, live music, dj, line dancing, texas hold 'em, vegas-style show, tv, karaoke, pool, smoke-free. (BB)
- Towne Lounge 714 SW 20th Place, 241-8696. Nightly.
CHEERS: Is literally a killer: This old Towne used to be a mausoleum.
JEERS: Again, literally a killer: There's enough secondhand smoke to leave your cigarettes at home.
Dancing one night, live music the next, queerific Meet Dept. on Tuesday—and you'll always go home with spare change, a new friend (on account of it being a bit small), and stage-one lung cancer. You're not likely to bump into it, though: Its dark and sexy quarters are in a firmly nonhipster zone, near PGE Park. Don't expect fast service when it gets busy—something that Towne has seen quite enough of lately: Thanks to its new music booker (who worked at Berbati's), its lineup of shows, all with cheap covers, just keeps getting better. FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, LIVE MUSIC, DJ, QUEER NIGHT. (KS)
Triple Nickel 3646 SE Belmont St., 234-7215. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Stiffest drinks you'll find outside of the gay bar circuit.
JEERS: Smoke eater apparently suffers from anorexia.
The rough-'n'-tumble Triple Nickel is a Belmont haven for those who'd rather kick each other's ass in bar games than fraternize. With four pool tables, darts and pinball, the Nickel will suck up your quarters while you suck down its drinks. And these are strong-ass drinks. HAPPY HOUR, GAMES, DARTS, POOL, PINBALL, VIDEO POKER, OUTDOOR SEATING, TV, JUKEBOX. (SG)
Tube 18 NW 3rd Ave., 241-8823. Nightly.
CHEERS: Those funky-ass, green-and-glossy, tube-shaped walls.
JEERS: Good DJs and weekend nights can equal undesirable patrons lurking a little too close for comfort.
Everybody kind of freaked out when Tube remodeled in '05, and though it's not technically tubular anymore, it's still pretty damn close. This über-hip spot's super-sleek, Space Age design and clear plastic chairs are trés chic, and post-Berbati's/Dante's/Roseland showgoers flock here late-night to discuss after-parties that you are certainly not cool enough to know anything about. But if you're just looking for one last nightcap, who cares? HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, TV, DJ, SMOKING. (AM)
Twilight Cafe 1420 SE Powell Blvd., 236-7668. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Artery-bursting breakfast, possibly made by God and available all night on the weekend.
JEERS: Burst arteries and bloating stomach tend to hurt.
Packed with loud, friendly regulars and serving one of the best breakfasts in town, beloved neighborhood fave Twilight Cafe looks like somebody took a '50s diner counter and plunked it into a rock venue. Offering an—ahem—interesting musical lineup, Twilight's infamously simple blend of Americana and rock includes cheap drinks, surly conversation and wonderful innovations in Tater Tots and bacon. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, LIVE MUSIC, OPEN MIC, VIDEO POKER, TV, SMOKING. (APK)
Vault Martini 226 NW 12th Ave., 224-4909. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Fresh ingredients infuse a stellar list of specialty cocktails.
JEERS: Rubbing elbows with the posher-than-thou patrons.
Although the interior is a sorry excuse for a bar (it looks more hotel than cocktail lounge) paired with an invasion of manly men outfitted in white vinyl belts and spiky hair and trailing the stench of Axe body spray (think Palm Springs), the drinks definitely make up for the ambience with a cunningly crafted, we-can't-possibly-choose menu. Indulge your taste buds with the refreshing mintyness of the cucumber mojito ($7.50). Or be adventurous and order the 'Sun-Dried Mary,' an inventive combo of rosemary-tomato-and-kalmata-olive-infused vodka and lemon spritz ($8). HAPPY HOUR, DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, DJ, FIREPLACE. (EB)
The Vern (Hanigan's Tavern) 2622 SE Belmont St., 233-7851. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: At least two dozen bikes outside, some of them modified.
JEERS: Crankier-than-average staff.
This is where the sweaty-but-sexy, gritty-in-tight-jeans crowd ride their bikes to meet up. The Vern has nailed dive chic perfectly, down to the tattered and chipped free pool tables, and cheap pitchers (Miller and Pabst are $4). But judging from the staff's tip-me-jerk-while-I-throw-a-drink-your-way attitude, it seems they may have mistaken their workplace for the Dunes. Not recommended for the easily offended, but if you get served by Jessie, you should be fine. DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, GAMES, VIDEO POKER, MOVIES, JUKEBOX, POOL, IT'S A FUCKING TAVERN SO THERE'S SMOKING—OK? (JS)
Vino Paradiso 417 NW 10th Ave., 295 9536. Daily-nightly Tuesday-Sunday.
CHEERS: Half off bottles during happy hour, 4 to 6 pm.
JEERS: "Eclectic" live music (read: mediocre jazz).
Sometimes, you just need a little bubbly. Especially if you've, say, endured an afternoon of shopping in the Pearl with a college girlfriend who still believes in weekly manicures. A flute will set you back as little as $6, and there are other choices, ranging from reasonable to ridiculous. The updated midcentury decor is strictly Palm Desert, so don't go looking for a shadowy nook. happy hour, food & drink specials, live music, smoke-free, wi-fi. (AV)
Virginia Cafe 725 SW Park Ave., 227-0033. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Instant comfort, down-home vibe.
JEERS: The smoke here is as thick as the meat.
The Virginia Cafe is one part college hangout, one part Vegas casino and one part neighborhood bar at closing time. With a perfect mix of old-school Beck, cigarette smoke humming overhead, dark wood interior booths and random characters, it's hard to beat, especially downtown. Hit the jackpot with their thick, buffet-like entrées and two-buck well drinks. VC's specialty drinks are also a pleasant surprise; the Spanish coffee's blended fiery spices, 151 rum and coffee liqueur overwhelm your senses in the best possible way. The snappy service and genuine (if not completely sloshed) bouts of laughter bring it on home. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, SMOKING. (EB)
- Vitis Enoteca 535 NW 16th Ave., 241-0355. Nightly Tuesday-Saturday.
CHEERS: A wine list as long as a shortish arm.
JEERS: Radio = sports bar. Hello, they make these things called CD changers....
Oenophiles (no, not you, fans of the ambient-electronica king), belly up to the tablecloth, you've got a lot of tasting to do. Any of 80-some wines here can be had by the glass, for anywhere from a chill $5.50 to a brow-dampening $31. If your budget allows, explore the Italian small-plates menu. This unpretentious, glass-enclosed spot, tucked half below the gutter but gazing at the stars, is a pleasant place to sip of the grape. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD SPECIALS, SMOKE-FREE. (KMB)
Voodoo Lounge 53 NW 1st Ave., 241-3840. Nightly Tuesday-Saturday.
CHEERS: Big brick smoking patio.
JEERS: Suburban scenesters.
Far from the kind of cozy, mellow bar you can cuddle and hide away in, this is nightlife for the extrovert, marked by a crowded dance floor, schmoozy bathroom lines and a National Geographic-like struggle to get through the door. With dark, "sexy" lighting, jewel-toned paint, and a clubby soundtrack, the Voodoo resembles a gay bar for heteros. Awaken your inner sorority girl with a hurricane or chocolate martini (both $7) and grind the night away. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, DJ, SMOKING (OUTSIDE). (SC)
White Eagle Saloon 836 N Russell St., 282-6810. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: A newly expanded patio lets you soak in the suds and the sun.
JEERS: When this tiny McMenamins venue gets crowded, you can hear but often can't see the band.
Unlike many spots in the McKingdom, the White Eagle still has some character. Maybe that's because the building (which is supposedly haunted) has been around since 1905. Fresh-squeezed cocktails are only topped by bitchin' happy-hour deals: Eight bucks means you can afford a cheeseburger with fries AND hummus with pita from 4 to 6 pm! They also host some pretty great, old-time and country-rock shows. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, OPEN MIC, TV, JUKEBOX, SMOKING, WI-FI. (AM)
Wine Down on 28th 126 NE 28th Ave., 236-9463. Nightly.
CHEERS: Everyman comments like "WOW!" accompany the myriad wine choices, making the list more fun than daunting.
JEERS: When the live music stops, the filler leans a little too far to the elevator/cheesy side.
Wine Down's super-friendly, laid-back yet way-knowledgeable staff make you feel at home the minute you step in the door, and the crackling fireplace and dude playing acoustic Beatles covers don't hurt the comfort factor, either. Add a few tasty apps—like the paté with caramelized onions ($8)—to a bottle of "killer" Trumpeter Malbec Syrah ($33 or $8.50 per glass), or try the freakin' delicious, sweet-and-spicy ginger cheesecake ($7) with an Irish Creamed-Americano ($6), and you're down for one satisfying evening of unpretentious, wine-warming goodness. FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, SMOKE-FREE (INSIDE). (AM)
XV 15 SW 2nd Ave., 790-9090. Daily-nightly.
CHEERS: Sidewalk drinkers enjoy free entertainment courtesy of downtown "characters."
JEERS: Sometimes it's interactive entertainment.
Swanky in a generic way, with its cavernous, modern interior softened by candlelight, XV is unmarred by any one subculture and ready for you to put your own stamp on it. Choose your tunes from the exceptional jukebox, ranging from Fifteen (naturally) to Jimmy Cliff, while friendly bar staff whip you up cocktails at once sweet and strong, like the lemon meringue ($7). XV isn't the most creative bar in town, but sometimes that's a good thing. OUTDOOR SEATING, JUKEBOX, DJ, TV, SMOKING. (SC)
- Zaytoon 2236 NE Alberta St., 284-1168. Nightly.
CHEERS: Where the cute (queer) girls go to munch and mingle.
JEERS: Where straight guys (a.k.a. stag hags) go to drink and drool.
The "unofficial" dyke bar of Northeast Portland, this classy and contemporary eatery has easily become the most happening bar to hit the Alberta Arts District in a long time. With upscale Euro-flavored Mediterranean cuisine at dive-bar prices, it's not hard to figure out why the girls flock to this uniquely named hot spot ("zaytoon" is Arabic for olives). It's cheap and hot. Owned and operated by a lovely lezzie named Aysha, the bar staff just made a lovely new addition to the Amazonish mix: Dahlia frontwoman Jen Folker. Yowza! FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, LIVE MUSIC, DJs, POOL, MOVIES, QUEER, SMOKE-FREE, SMOKING LOUNGE. (BB)
DRINKIPEDIA - Willamette Week's annual Drink Guide 2006
Clock Blockin' - Every hour is happy hour!
Tiki Wiki - In search of the Perfect Mai Tai.
WWeek 2015