Skip to main content
WW writers Rebecca Jacobson and Saundra Sorenson select their top moments from the second night of all-female comedy festival All Jane No Dick. The festival continues through Sunday; check out the schedule here. Read the best lines from day one here.
"Did you forget the point of our friendship? I just follow you around and finish things you're ashamed of. 'I can't finish this burger.' I'll finish it! 'This guy's half-boring.' I'll fuck him!" —Elicia Sanchez
"You can have a guy comic come up and go, 'I'm fat and an alcoholic.' And people go, 'Let's hug him, he's Santa Claus!'" —Elicia Sanchez
"How weird is it that there's still a debate in the U.S. between evolution science and intelligent design? How crazy is that, right? Like, a debate? It's not even the same conversation. It's like one guy going, 'Well, nuclear reaction in the sun's core fuses hydrogen into helium.' And the other guy goes, 'Good point. However, sunshine feels like a warm, warm hug...from Jesus. But good point.'" —DeAnne Smith
"I had sex with a man four years ago to see what it was like. And I was like, OK, violating." —Mo Welch
"I do believe that sometimes upon birth, women are forced into an economy in which they're forced to pay for their own subjectivity." —Kate Berlant, on makeup
"You know that chick in the back of exercise videos who's doing all the modified stuff? That's my sex game." —Phoebe Robinson
"I want to lean in, but I've been too busy in the bathroom, just tweezing. Sorry, Sheryl!" —Phoebe Robinson
"I'm writing a screenplay about a couple that breaks up, then they see each other on Tinder. They swipe left, then go through 20,000 other swipes because everyone else is shittier. I'm going to call it Return to Tinder. Or Love Me Tinder." —Virginia Jones
âBlack doesnât crack. But if you soak this in whiskey long enough, it does prune.â âDanielle Radford
"The honor system is a system like the rhythm method is a method." —Danielle Radford, on Portland's bizarre restaurant practices
âHey, do these pants make my dick exist?â âRye Silverman, on being transgender
âWe talk to the cops like we ask to talk to somebody's manager at Hardee's.â âRye Silverman, on white privilege
âThere's a lot of sausage and cocaine in Chicago. It's a weird combination.â âKelsie Huff
âI have a mom, she's not here. Let's fucking talk about her! ...You know who'll take care of my mom in her elder years? The state.â âKelsie Huff
âI offer [my boyfriend's children] toast at 9:45, which day or night is a weird time for toast. They look at me, like, âWhy don't you get out of our lives, you weird toast gypsy?ââ âEmily Maya Mills
âSome of you are excited. Some of you came here with an extra key.â âSubhah Agarwal, on the singles in the audience
âGirl, I live a block away from the projects. I'm not going to pay for fear.â âSubhah Agarwal, on haunted houses that charge admission
âMy goal is to show up to the airport dressed so slutty that the TSA recommends Islam to me.â âSubhah Agarwal
âI'm sure it's good to have someone avenge you if you need it.â âMaggie Maye, on the pros of having children
âIf Hollywood has taught me anything, it's when you become a grandparent, you become magic.â âMaggie Maye, on depictions of African Americans in the media
âYou're born a person. Something really horrible happens, and you hope to get a show out of it.â âMaggie Maye, on Casper
âI'm not afraid to date a guy with a twirly moustache. He's not going to cheat on me. He might tie me to some railroad tracks.â âMaggie Maye
âIt feels like an edgy improv group, where I just need a one-word suggestion to spin a situation no one's comfortable with.â âAparna Nancherla, on anxiety
âIt's what happens when a space station and a shopping mall love each other very much.â âAparna Nancherla, on Dubai
âI went to Ikea this week, bought a family. It's already falling apart.â âBeth Stelling
âI think you just told your daughter she has an appetite for boners. Which I do. But I never finish them.â âBeth Stelling, on an uncomfortable conversation with her mother
"I can't tell if that's a dick or a napkin, but I agree." —Andie Main, in response to her sister's drawing of Thanksgiving dinner
"My mom only fried chicken like twice a year. She didn't want the house to smell like fried chicken. But more than that, she didn't want her kids to smell like fried chicken. As if the white people would smell us and be like, 'Just as I'd expected.'" —Kimberly Clark
"If the apocalypse comes, that means everyone dies and they don't get to keep having fun without me." —Sara Schaefer, on why she doesn't fear the apocalypse
"New York, all summer is like evaporated river water, cockroach semenn, homeless man ball sweat and greed juice." —Sara Schaefer
"Las Vegas is just balls of flesh hemorrhaging welfare checks and oxygen tanks and filling the void with Cirque du Soleil and buffets." —Brandie Posey
WWeek 2015