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Welcome to Haute-N-Ready, in which John Locanthi, Willamette Weekâs trencherman of leisure, tastes the hastily made, modestly priced food of the common man.
âPapaâ John Schnatter is hanging out with Peyton Manning
Whither Pizza Hut? you might ask. Well, the one-time juggernaut of the pizza delivery world has fallen on hard times. Yum! Brands, Inc. knew it would take some hard work and creative brilliance to bring this chain back to the top, and here is its ploy: Pizza Hut is now putting bacon in its cheese-stuffed crust pizza.
Sure, bacon is passé. Those who insist on adding bacon to every dish have been laughed out of high culture, as well they should. However, Pizza Hut doesnât care about that demographic. It is trying to reach out the poor souls who wish to have food come to them after a few hours of watching pizza commercials occasionally interrupted by football. It is trying to reach out to those who watch The Voice. It is trying to reach those who listen to the music of Bacon-Stuffed Crust spokescelebrity Blake Shelton. In short, it is reaching out to someone outside the staff and readership of this Pulitzer-winning newsweekly.
Having said all of that, how does this pizza handle?
True to the commercial, between this bacon and cheese-stuffed crust lies an extremely thin crust pizza. Nothing earth-shattering, simply a chain pizza made to your order, with slightly better pepperoni than Dominoâs and a marinara sauce less saccharine than Papa Johnâs.
The crust is a different matter. While not bursting with melting cheese and bacon, as shown, it does have those two ingredientsâor close approximations of them. The cavernous crust is about half-filled with a mixture of white cheese with small bits of bacon. They taste like bacon bits, albeit soggier.
While by no means do I think adding bacon to everything is a good idea, it does help in this instance. The cheese-filling is sweet and decidedly ungood. The bacon-ish taste is a welcome reprieve. (Keep in mind when ordering this: Pizza Hut sells it in a large size, so be sure that your comrades-in-arms are equally willing to eat this monstrosity.)
The problem with this pizza is that the crust is unnecessary. I am sure the same people attracted to this would be equally attracted by an inexpensive side of bacon cheesy bread. I ordered jalapeños on mine in the hope that a few would be sprinkled on or near the crust and would aid the transition from pizza to bacon-stuffed crust, but there remains a segregation between the two sections. One is far better tasting.
Exactly what to do with that outer ring of pizza crust is a confounding issue. A well-made pizza needs no frills because the crust tasty on its own. Global pizza chains lack the inclination to work on that, instead turning into breadsticks or stuffing it with low-grade cheese or, now, bacon.
Sure, bacon is passé. Those who insist on adding bacon to every dish have been laughed out of high culture, as well they should. However, Pizza Hut doesnât care about that demographic. It is trying to reach out the poor souls who wish to have food come to them after a few hours of watching pizza commercials occasionally interrupted by football. It is trying to reach out to those who watch The Voice. It is trying to reach those who listen to the music of Bacon-Stuffed Crust spokescelebrity Blake Shelton. In short, it is reaching out to someone outside the staff and readership of this Pulitzer-winning newsweekly.
Having said all of that, how does this pizza handle?
The crust is a different matter. While not bursting with melting cheese and bacon, as shown, it does have those two ingredientsâor close approximations of them. The cavernous crust is about half-filled with a mixture of white cheese with small bits of bacon. They taste like bacon bits, albeit soggier.
While by no means do I think adding bacon to everything is a good idea, it does help in this instance. The cheese-filling is sweet and decidedly ungood. The bacon-ish taste is a welcome reprieve. (Keep in mind when ordering this: Pizza Hut sells it in a large size, so be sure that your comrades-in-arms are equally willing to eat this monstrosity.)
The problem with this pizza is that the crust is unnecessary. I am sure the same people attracted to this would be equally attracted by an inexpensive side of bacon cheesy bread. I ordered jalapeños on mine in the hope that a few would be sprinkled on or near the crust and would aid the transition from pizza to bacon-stuffed crust, but there remains a segregation between the two sections. One is far better tasting.
Exactly what to do with that outer ring of pizza crust is a confounding issue. A well-made pizza needs no frills because the crust tasty on its own. Global pizza chains lack the inclination to work on that, instead turning into breadsticks or stuffing it with low-grade cheese or, now, bacon.
Pizza Hut has been losing ground to its competitors for years, and itâs easy to see why, with rank laziness like this new contribution in the race-to-the-bottom that is stuffed crust pizza.
Pizza Hut really puts the "stuffed" in stuffed crust pizza
WWeek 2015