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Editor's note: Portland Public Schools scheduled parent-teacher conferences for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday this week, canceling classes and disrupting Halloween activities in schools where principals still allow them. Chelsea Cain, a best-selling thriller writer and parent of a PPS student, wrote this memo for WW spoofing PPS's approach to Halloween.
Dear Parents of PPS elementary school students:
As you know Portland Public Schools scheduled parent-teacher conferences over Halloween this year, side-stepping a tricky holiday and canceling three days of school in the process. You're welcome for inventing Halloween Vacation!
It has come to our attention that some of you parents still plan on continuing certain Halloween costume parade traditions, despite the fact that facilities will be closed, itâs going to rain, and we will not be there to supervise you. Obviously it is our expectation that all costumes be ânot-scaryâ and âappropriate,â per school policy. Specific prohibitions and precautions are listed below. These rules are in place with your childâs safety in mind.
Weapons, of course, be they real or replica, will not be allowed. (Yes, this includes phasers.) This year, as an extra precaution, children will be required to turn over their belts, and shoelaces before the parade.
We are also prohibiting masks. Students should be easily identifiable with a minimum of eighty percent of their facial features showing at all times. This is for their own safety. We have also heard concerns from parents about latex allergies, limited peripheral vision and the risk of BPA off-gassing.
Please, no political costumes: Nixon scares the kindergarteners. Politicians are often associated with sex scandals. And neckties are a choking hazard.
After much consideration we are banning all super hero costumes. Super heroes solve problems with violence and are therefore not good role models.
Also banned: characters from Greek and Roman mythology.
Soldiers and other members of the U.S. military are still welcome. (See the note on fake blood below.)
Mermaid tails limit mobility and are prohibited under all circumstances.
In order to be sensitive to the Somali family that joined us this year, we are asking children to leave the pirate costumes at home.
No Harry Potter characters. We're simply tired of them.
We also ask that your children refrain from wearing costumes that are so outside of the mainstream that they might make some students feel excluded. (Basically, any character from Dr. Who.)
Please avoid undead, corpse-like, severely injured, or gratuitous displays of violence. We are limiting fake blood to 1 teaspoon per child. This policy will be strictly enforced.
Trademarked characters: We have been lax about this in the past, but our legal department has expressed concerns about the possibility of litigation if students wear costumes based on trademarked intellectual property, this includes any character from the Marvel or Disney universe, etc. For instance costumes based on Star Wars, The Avengers, Frozen, and Maleficent will be banned. Please also avoid television characters, comic book characters, and any character who has appeared in a book published in the last 90 years. Anne of Green Gables is a perfectly nice costume. Please see your school librarian for more ideas.
As a final note, remember, no fishnet stockings, lipstick, glitter, polyester, wool, tree nuts, gluten, latex, high-heels, whips, staffs, wands, potions, glass, plastic, sunglasses, headbands, sharp edges, or face paint.
Children will be required to wear an orange safety vest over their costumes at all times.
Have a safe and happy Halloween.
Sincerely,
Your school administrators
WWeek 2015