Bridgetown Diary, Day 2: "Yes, I need a ride home."

I may have made a huge mistake.

It's so nice out that I started drinking homebrewed pilsner at 1pm, while watching the Timbers womp Montreal. It's now 7:23 pm, and I am sitting in a tent outside a mediocre burger joint, nursing a pre-hangover beer called DJ Jazzy Hef. Also, I cut my hand on a chair at the weird part where the legs and the plastic connect. I put two Wolverine Band-Aids on it. They appear to be working. I ate some Taco Bell on the way here, too. We'll see how long homeostasis lasts.

Consumed:

32-ounce homebrewed Pilsner

16-ounce Gilgamesh DJ Jazz Hef

12-ounce PBR

1 joint

2 Wolverine Band-Aids

Number of comedians told to "Get off the stage!" by an audience member: 1

Number of comedians you went to college with, and like totally knew, but have never actually had a real conversation with: 1

The Show: FIRST TIMERS CLUB at Boogie's Burgers and Brew, 7 pm.

7:37 pm. Boogie's Burgers. Jeff Scheen: "I dated a girl who had a latex allergy, also known as the best allergy..."

7:40 pm. Boogie's Burgers. Josh Johnson: "I'm a Katrina survivor. I wasn't in the hurricane, I just dated a girl named Katrina who almost ruined my life."

7:53 pm. Boogie's Burgers. Rana May: "I used to spend all my time volunteering for a dog rescue. Has anyone in the audience ever done that? [Audience stays silent] ...I guess itâs all monsters tonight..."

Matt Phar. Photo from Bridgetown Comedy Festival

8:02 pm. Boogie's Burgers. Sean White:

"Grandparents are the training wheels of death."

8:09 pm. Boogie's Burgers. Matt Pharr: "They told me this was a Baptist tent revival"

8:19 pm. Boogie's Burgers. Maggie Farris: "I'm not a paperboy, I'm just a lesbian."

8:25 pm. Boogie's Burgers. Maggie Farris: [On scissoring]: All that is, is itchy. Like, one of us needs to have way more or way less hair…"

8:27 pm. Boogie's Burgers. Mac Blake: "You look like a crowd that can keep a fucking secret. When I was in college I used to experiment a lot with ultimate Frisbee. For those who don't know what that is, you can tell me what sex is like after the show."

8:29 pm Boogie's Burgers. Mac Blake: "Sir, I am sorry I looked at you when I said 'my butthole'; I didn't mean to lay all that on you."

9:11 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Neil Hamburger: "What the worst thing about buying used toilets in Craigslist? Having to go over to Rob Schneider's house."

9:16 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Neil Hamburger: âFuck you.â

9:20 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Adam Clayton-Holland: This is what I look like; I look like this; I recently got a haircut and I look like this"

9:26 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Adam Clayton-Holland:

âOf all of my achievements in life, by far my favorite is that I am blocked on Twitter by Arby's.â

9:30 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Rana May: "It's so hard to like find somebody to spoon you under the bushes in a parking lot…"

10:00 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Curtis Cook: The other week I was at a party and a girl brought up labiaplasty surgery, which is a weird thing to bring up at a party..."

10:19 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Kate Berlant: "Yes, I need a ride home. But that's neither here nor there."

10:21 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Steve Agee: "If you are in the right place at the right time at least twice a month you can hear me say, 'Pay the minimum payment.'"

I made it until 10:30, but now my body is telling me that I have a choice: Bike home, or sleep next to the dumpster I just shamelessly ate two slices of cheese pizza in front of. See y'all tomorrow.

WWeek 2015